GUEST POST: Unsolicited Parenting Advice in Belgium

GUEST POST: Unsolicited Parenting Advice in Belgium

Penguin&PantherSometimes I’m really weary of explaining. To grannies in the supermarket. To teenage girls at the playground. To fellow mums at school.

My daughter is clearly adopted, yes. She’s from Ethiopia, yes. She’s had a rough start, yes. She’s lost part of her eyesight, yes. And she’s got some countless more issues, yes.

But she’s still a four year old. And I’m her mother. I’m raising her my way. Just like I’m raising her big brother, who is blond and looks a bit too much like me.

The big difference between raising my daughter and raising my son, is that people seem to feel a kind of responsibility towards my girl. It feels like adopted children are in a way public.

I do understand how we stand out, in our not so worldly little town. We are getting used to the extra attention she brings with her, although I admit I have been thinking to teach her to growl when a stranger touches her hair and skin unasked.

We were prepared for all this. We knew we were going to feel like we have arrows flashing around our heads when taking her out. Now that she’s been with us for two years, we’ve all grown a thick skin, filled with humor. We have a series of catchy replies to go with all the ridiculous questions. The next one who dares to ask me what we feed her, will be answered ‘grass’, without even a blink.

But I still can’t really cope with all the unwanted ‘advice’ we get about raising her. When my son was little, I never ever had some stranger giving him candy or cookies. I never had to explain myself in the supermarket when I refused to let him take everything he wished for. And I certainly didn’t have to listen to people telling me how neglectful I was for letting him cry out a tantrum.

With my daughter, I do have those encounters. This one time in the supermarket, I was truly abashed. I had just taken away some nasty sugar bombs from my daughter’s hands and put them back, much against the little miss’s wishes. An elderly lady came over, took the candy and handed them over to my girl again. I was confused, believing she misunderstood. So I explained I didn’t want to buy that rubbish for her. At that moment she cursed me for being so horrible towards that poor little black girl that has been hungry all her life. She put the candy in my cart, ordered me to buy it, and took off while nodding her head.

At such encounters – yes, plural – I have the urge to scream.

For one thing. She’s NOT a poor little girl. She’s in most ways an ordinary four year old preschooler. She can throw the worst tantrums I ever witnessed, just because I can’t peel an apple while driving my car or because I can’t make the Easter bunny magically appear in August. The last one was about having only six colors of nail polish to choose from. Poor girl indeed.

But most importantly, I’M THE ONE raising that ‘poor little girl’. Of course we are aware of her issues, mostly the ones regarding attachment and anxieties. We try to give her everything she needs, truck loads of patience and care which unfortunately aren’t always replenished in time. But she doesn’t need everything she wants. Just like any other child doesn’t. Unless you plan to end up with a spoiled brat that demands a yellow sports car at age eighteen.

Spoiling her will not make right all the things she missed out in the first two years of her life. Maybe that sounds harsh and loveless, but I can assure you it isn’t meant that way. I cry with her when she mourns her lost heritage, when she is homesick. I’ve swallowed away rivers of tears all those times I had to explain her history to medical doctors and hospital professors.

But I can’t raise my daughter based on pity alone.

This is a first-time, guest contribution to World Moms Blog from our friend and mother of The Penguin and the Panther in Belgium, Katinka. Her Flemish blog is in transition over to an English-only blog. Stay posted to World Moms Blog for more from Katinka.

The photograph of the author’s daughter used in this post is credited to the author.

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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WORLD TOUR: USA: Gina from Sister Serendip

WORLD TOUR: USA: Gina from Sister Serendip

Gina Sampaio

Ever since I was a tiny girl and they’d ask me what I’d want to be when I grew up, I always wanted to be a mother.

“An artist! And a Mommy!”

“A teacher!! And a Mommy!

“An art teacher!!! And a Mommy!”

 As I got older and realized I actually had no idea what I wanted to be, one constant remained unchanged—the wanting to be a Mother.

I gave myself a deadline of age 26 to have my first baby by. Beyond that, I didn’t put that much thought into what my dream family looked like. I have known plenty of people, almost always girls, who had all kinds of things planned out about their future children. They’d have a boy and a girl, the boy first, or all boys or all girls or a one-and-only. And they always knew what names they wanted to use.

I had no idea what I’d have (of course neither did they, really), nor was I hell-bent on any particular names. I guess I kind of figured I’d only have girls, but I think that’s because I only had sisters and so I visualized families that way. How many kids? What names? I had no idea.

So somehow we ended up with two girls and three boys. We had a girl, we had a boy, we had a vasectomy. We had a foster baby boy and adopted him, and then when his birth mother had another boy and then another girl, we fostered and adopted them as well. Our family gets noticed quite a bit, besides being on the large side, we are also racially mixed.

Women in particular seem very inclined to ask me a lot of questions about my children. Many of them indicate that they have always been interested in adoption themselves, and a large number tell me that their husbands didn’t want to pursue it.

Then, an acquaintance asked, “How did you and your husband decide to adopt?”, and I had to laugh when I realized how little thought we put into it; especially now that we know so many adoptive families who have told us about the many hours of research and soul-searching they put into making their adoption decision. Ours was nothing like that.  A book about adoption caught my eye at the thrift shop so I bought it. My husband saw it on the counter and said, “Adopting would be nice.”

Upon further recollection, it occurred to me that most of our biggest life decisions were made with very little discussion. Getting married? We can’t even remember whose idea it was. Having kids? Well I definitely had to push for that first one since I was the one who had given myself an age deadline for but after that it was easy. As a matter of fact, when the caseworker called me about our second foster son, I said yes to her on the phone and then remembered I ought to call my husband and verify that with him.

Naturally, he agreed in a heartbeat, because apparently that’s how we make the big family decisions around here—with our hearts.

This is an original guest post to World Moms Blog by Gina Sampaio, a lifelong actress and activist who lives in rural New Jersey with her husband and five children. She likes to challenge the notion of what being a stay at home mom means by not only staying busy with her kids but also with acting, writing, social activism and rabble rousing in general. Gina blogs about her daily adventures with kids, crafts and cooking, navigating a post-foster care transracial open adoption and the ongoing journey of surviving a sexual assault at www.facebook.com/SisterSerendip.

Photo credit to the author. 

 

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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FLORIDA, USA: Responsibility, should not be a chore.

FLORIDA, USA: Responsibility, should not be a chore.


Teaching Responsibility.  Responsibility comes in many forms.

I have two girls. They provide constant blog fodder. For the most part, they are okay with that. I even run certain posts by them for approval – after all, it is their story as much as it is mine.

As a parent, we get to help write the stories of our children. The ebb and flow of day-to-day becoming the chapters of their lives through experience and exposure to the world around them.

About a year ago, I wrote a post here called Raising Responsible Citizens. Raising children who are globally aware and are understanding of the need to make a difference in the world is something that is very dear to my heart. It makes me proud to say that my girls have an awareness of the plight of others and the need to be involved. They know the positivity their actions can achieve in bringing change and that their voices can indeed be heard around the world.

This post is a chapter in that book of life on responsibility…because responsibility is a funny thing. We can teach our children about the world and its people, we can teach them laws and rights, and we start when they are just toddlers with the basics of what is right and what is wrong.  But what about basic responsibility…let me clarify. (more…)

Sisters From Another Mister

Sisters From Another Mister ... A blog born from the love of 'sisters' around the world who come together to lift eachother up no matter where they are on their life journey. Meet Nicole, a transplanted British born, South African raised, and American made Mom of two girls living on the sunny shores of South Florida, USA. A writer of stories, an avid picture taker and a keeper of shiny memories. Sharing the travels of a home school journey that takes place around the globe - because 'the world truly is our classroom'. Throw in infertility, adoption, separation, impending divorce (it has its own Doom and Gloom category on the blog) and a much needed added side of European humor is what keeps it all together on the days when it could quite clearly simply fall apart! This segues nicely into Finding a Mister for a Sister for continued amusement. When not obsessing over the perils of dating as an old person, saving the world thro organisations such as being an ambassador for shot@life, supporting GirlUP, The UN Foundation, ONE.org and being a member of the Global Team of 200 for social good keeps life in the balance. Be sure to visit, because 'even tho we may not have been sisters at the start, we are sisters from the heart.' http://www.sistersfromanothermister.com/ https://www.facebook.com/SistersFromAnotherMister https://twitter.com/thesistershood http://pinterest.com/thesistershood/ Global Team of 200 #socialgoodmoms Champion for Shot@Life and The United Nations Foundation

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TEXAS, USA: Writer’s Block

TEXAS, USA: Writer’s Block

Mother and daughterI was watching my daughter play with a bubble machine today. She and I were laughing as she was running through the bubbles, and we were both looking at the bubbles floating up to the sky trying to see different images.  I looked over at her as she watched the bubbles drift away and she had the biggest, sweetest smile on her face.  I wondered in my mind if she would remember this extra special ordinary day because I knew I was making an imprint of it in my own mind…these special moments with just the two of us in the middle of the day in the middle of a week are starting to slip through my fingers… (more…)

Meredith (USA)

Meredith finds it difficult to tell anyone where she is from exactly! She grew up in several states, but mainly Illinois. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Elementary Education from the University of Illinois at Champaign/Urbana which is also where she met her husband. She taught kindergarten for seven years before she adopted her son from Guatemala and then gave birth to her daughter two years leter. She moved to Lagos, Nigeria with her husband and two children in July 2009 for her husband's work. She and her family moved back to the U.S.this summer(August 2012) and are adjusting to life back in the U.S. You can read more about her life in Lagos and her adjustment to being back on her blog: We Found Happiness.

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FLORIDA,USA: Live In The Moment

FLORIDA,USA: Live In The Moment

Post by Sisters From Another Mister/Nicole

Sisters From Another Mister

How easy it is to say No.
Even when we think we are not actually saying no, we kinda sorta are.
For instance …
Not right now. Just a second.
I will be right there. In a moment.
Give me a minute. Maybe later.

Sound familiar to you? All variations of I just don’t have the time. or shall I call it what it is, simply saying – no.

It is funny, because all the current catch phrases lean more to the ‘Live in the Moment’, and ‘Be Intentional.’

Even that huge company that you know so well says, ‘Just do it.’ And yet, my days are long. My apparent busy’ness endless. My to do list could go on forever and seems as though it will never have the magical words that say The End to bring the chores to a close. And yet while I fuss and fret about all that needs to be accomplished, time is not standing still. Every night I put my children to bed and by morning they appear to have grown up while they sleep.

(more…)

Sisters From Another Mister

Sisters From Another Mister ... A blog born from the love of 'sisters' around the world who come together to lift eachother up no matter where they are on their life journey. Meet Nicole, a transplanted British born, South African raised, and American made Mom of two girls living on the sunny shores of South Florida, USA. A writer of stories, an avid picture taker and a keeper of shiny memories. Sharing the travels of a home school journey that takes place around the globe - because 'the world truly is our classroom'. Throw in infertility, adoption, separation, impending divorce (it has its own Doom and Gloom category on the blog) and a much needed added side of European humor is what keeps it all together on the days when it could quite clearly simply fall apart! This segues nicely into Finding a Mister for a Sister for continued amusement. When not obsessing over the perils of dating as an old person, saving the world thro organisations such as being an ambassador for shot@life, supporting GirlUP, The UN Foundation, ONE.org and being a member of the Global Team of 200 for social good keeps life in the balance. Be sure to visit, because 'even tho we may not have been sisters at the start, we are sisters from the heart.' http://www.sistersfromanothermister.com/ https://www.facebook.com/SistersFromAnotherMister https://twitter.com/thesistershood http://pinterest.com/thesistershood/ Global Team of 200 #socialgoodmoms Champion for Shot@Life and The United Nations Foundation

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AIDS: The End Is in Sight

AIDS: The End Is in Sight

December 1st is World AIDS Day. As a tribute, our World Voice writer, Lauren, submitted this post.

They cry and yearn to be held, but there are not enough arms to hold them.  Many of them have watched their parents die.  Some have parents who are too sick to care for them.  But all of them want the same thing—to be loved and to know that they matter.

They are just like you and me, but they are the tiniest victims of the HIV/AIDS epidemic.  Some, like their parents, are HIV positive.  Others are considered lucky and have escaped infection.  All are residing in an orphanage with a future that is uncertain.

How do I know what an AIDS orphan wants and needs? Because on a hot August Day in 2008, I stood inside an orphanage that houses orphans affected by HIV/AIDS and I held my son for the first time.  So it should come as no surprise that tomorrow, on World AID Day, I will join millions of people around the globe to unite in the fight against AIDS.

World AIDS Day aims to educate, inform and empower people to join the effort to bring an end to the AIDS epidemic.According to UNAIDS, more than 34 million people are currently living with HIV/AIDS and a staggering 3.3 million of them are under the age of 15.  The HIV/AIDS epidemic claims the lives of 1.7 people each year.  With 2.5 million new infections occurring annually, the epidemic is far from over.

But there is hope.  (more…)

Lauren @Hike.Blog.Love. (USA)

Lauren is a lover of nature, an avid hiker and mama to two boys adopted from across the globe—one who happens to have autism. She is passionate about special needs adoption and the great outdoors. You can find Lauren blogging about all of her adventures at "http://hikebloglove.com", Hike Blog Love. where she hopes to inspire others to get outdoors and explore. She fiercely believes that adventure is for all.

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