ISRAEL: Mom, No One Owes You Anything

ISRAEL: Mom, No One Owes You Anything

IMG_4191

You might think otherwise, but in truth, no one owes you anything. Not God, not your spouse, not your parents, not your kids, not your friends or your colleagues. Seriously, no one owes you a single thing.

I don’t think any one of us go about our days consciously assuming that we’re owed anything, yet we somehow unknowingly end up behaving in a way that says just that.

We live lives full of expectations. We’ve come to expect certain things, certain behaviors and certain reactions. And because we’ve come to expect those things, we unwittingly end up feeling entitled to them. Then, when we don’t get them, we feel upset and short changed.

How many times have I gotten upset with my kids for not doing their chores? How many times have I snapped at my husband because I felt I didn’t get the reaction I hoped for? How many times have I gotten annoyed at someone?
Yes, I feel that my kids should have responsibility. Yes, I wish my husband could read my mind. (Or maybe not.) Yes, I wish people would be more polite. But they’re not the problem.

The problem is expectations and the false notion that people think we need them. When you have an expectation, you’re putting forth a demand. Is that the way to manage any type of a relationship? To demand something from the other party?

An expectation is one sided. We don’t need to live lives filled with demands.

So what do we need? We need hopes and wishes. We need reciprocity in the form of cooperation and partnership.

In the example of my kids and their chores. My wish is for teamwork. Being part of the family means being part of the team, a team that helps the family function as it should both physically and emotionally. Not because I want them to do it for me personally, but for the good of the whole unit.

In marriage or in any type of a relationship you’re looking for cooperation and partnership as well as mutual understanding. You wish for good and by wishing for good instead of expecting or demanding it, you can find the good and are grateful for what you have.

You have to earn love or respect or kindness. Demanding them will get you nowhere fast. When a relationship is a loving one, not one based on debts, people will be more likely to want to be there for you.

Learning that you’re not owed anything doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat or be treated badly. It means you have a choice and can decide what relationships and actions belong in your life. You don’t demand things from other and you don’t transfer the blame or responsibility on others. You decide what is right for you. You decide to see all the things to be grateful for.

Love can only be unconditional when you earn it but don’t feel you’re owed it.

Can you imagine how many of the world’s problems would vanish if we all believed that we aren’t owed anything and took responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

Do you think you are owed anything?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our contributor, Susie Newday in Israel. You can find her on her blog New Day New Lesson.

Photo credit to Susie Mayerfeld

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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It’s What You Allow

It’s What You Allow

dancing in rainIt’s funny how in our world of privilege and plenty, most of us have to make a conscious effort to practice daily gratefulness.

Without even realizing it, we tend to concentrate on what’s wrong in our lives, what we want to change, and what we don’t have. It’s kind of ironic seeing that “all we don’t have” is a bottomless pit that could never be filled.

On the other hand, what we do have is plentiful. It’s everywhere, in the little things and the big things. From a good cup of coffee, to running water and sewage, to our health.

Yet, how often do we regularly praise all the good and great things in our lives? Not nearly as much as we complain about the less than perfect things.

Sure, we enjoy moments that make our hearts swell, moments of surprise and appreciation, moments filled with laughter and love. I find, however, that for the most part, it’s only when we’re exposed to tragic or sad events that we take the time and make the effort to recognize just how good our imperfect lives really are.

I was thinking a lot about gratefulness and happiness when it suddenly hit me that it’s all about what we allow to flow into our lives. It’s about what we choose to accept and how we choose to accept and view it.

So what do we choose?

Do we choose expectations, hurt, negativity, control, pain, disappointment and perfectionism? Or do we choose love, understanding, empathy, gratitude, kindness, joy, satisfaction, respect, warmth and affection?

I think that most of us are struggling with the unsettling peaks and valleys of happiness and sadness mixed with bursts of anger, frustration and disappointment. The reason for that is a negative outlook on life. It’s a matter of what we see. My default in any situation is to first see the problems and the difficulties. It’s been a tough journey trying to retrain my brain to concentrate first on all the good things.

After all, how can we expect the good things to flow into our lives when we are unwittingly blocking them by viewing the world through negative glasses? Imagine what the world would look like if we all wore our “positive outlook” glasses every day and managed to not only see the best in others but also the best in ourselves?

Imagine if we could learn to be grateful, understanding and empathetic every minute of the day, not just in word, but in action as well. Imagine if we got rid of the no and opened our minds to yes.

What are you allowing to enter your life?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog.

Photo by Flavio, used under a Flickr Creative Commons License.

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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ISRAEL: Is Balance Possible?

ISRAEL: Is Balance Possible?

Greeting to my Family

I was blindsided.

It was Family Day, or Yom Hamishpacha, as it’s called in Hebrew. The day that somehow ended up replacing Mother’s Day here in Israel. My youngest was so proud of the card she had made for my husband and me. She had colored pictures of balloons, and had written all the words on her own.

I smiled as I read lines of “To my dear family, all the things I want you fulfill,” and, “I love my siblings and I’m happy to be with you.”

The sucker punch came at the end.

“I want to wish for health for all the sick people in the world so that my mom can stay home with me.”

Ouch. A heartfelt painful dagger to the heart. I was caught off guard. She had never said anything to me about not wanting me to work.

I work part-time, only three days a week. I’m a nurse in outpatient oncology. I do important work, fulfilling work. I work because my salary makes a difference in our finances. I work because if I don’t work, it’s that much harder to get back into it when you do want to work.

And yes, there are days when I wish I didn’t have to work. There are also many days when I’m glad I do work. Yet like every working mother, I’m constantly tormented by the demands of both worlds and with the impossibility of finding balance. I think the emotional and mental balance is even harder to find than the physical, task-related balance.

And then, when I think I’ve found that precarious balance, I get hit by innocent words, words pleading for more love and attention than I’ve been giving.

All I can do is accept what is, and try harder. Try harder to be true to my needs and to give those I love what they need.

The question is how.

Any tips?

 

This is a post original to World Moms Blog.  Photo credit to the author.

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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ISRAEL: The Empty Promises of Nostalgia

ISRAEL: The Empty Promises of Nostalgia

old letters

They sit there.

A mixed pile of emotions, long lost puzzle pieces of my youth that have surfaced with a surreal reminder of joy and heartache. A collection of recollections of the beauty and naivete of my tormented, confused yet vibrant teen years.

Pieces of papers and assorted mementos, all too precious for me to have thrown away, yet not important enough for me to taken them when I started my married life and moved away.

Yet here they are. Twenty-five years later they have made the journey overseas and have arrived in my home. When my parents cleaned out my childhood home before moving away, I once again couldn’t bear for these pieces of my youth to be thrown out without a second glance. Who knows what treasures might be hidden in their midst.

Now I’m overwhelmed. By the amount and variety of written correspondence I saved. There are letters from my first love at the age of 14, so beautiful, sincere and full of promise. There are tender letters from my husband back in the years before email and text messages. There are stacks of heartfelt letters from people whom I don’t remember, people I’m sure I thought I would never forget. There are letters from people whom I remember but am surprised to find out how close I used to be with them. There are blasts from the past like my old college roommate who by chance recently friended me on Facebook. There are cards and yearbooks full of short wishes and goodbyes.

Some comments make my heart go thump, while others like “ Don’t beat up too many boys.”, remind me of parts of my personality that I wish I could forget. There are words of friendship, caring, support and encouragement that warm the cockles of my heart. And I wonder yet again why certain people stayed in my life and others drifted away.

That’s the hard part of nostalgia, trying to make sense of things, trying to understand how you gently got rerouted to a path so wonderful yet so different than the one you had envisioned.

The empty seductive promises of the past are dangerous, for they’re not real in the present moment in time. They were real in a different reality when you were a different person. Yet even so, it’s hard to read your youth without wondering about alternate endings to your life story. The past is an enticing illusion, a strong magnet drawing you in and distorting the present.

Do you think there is any way to embrace the joy and wonder of what was without leaving both the past and the present a little less whole?

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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ISRAEL: The Most Important Building Block of All

ISRAEL: The Most Important Building Block of All

Colorful building blocks

I love watching little kids discover the excitement of building blocks. Their pudgy little fingers slowly stack one brick on top of another squealing with amazement when the lopsided house they built comes tumbling down.

Kids might not realize it, but we all know that a house build on a shaky, soft or unsteady foundation will never weather the elements or the test of time. Our lives are the metaphorical houses built out of the relationships woven into them.

From our first day on this planet, are lives are all about relationships. No matter which way we turn we can’t escape them. Even when we force ourselves into seclusion we can’t escape the relationship we have with ourselves. From the moment we are born, until the day we die, we build our lives one relationship at a time. Some are loving and successful relationships, while others are draining and weaken the fabric of our self esteem and lives.

So what makes some relationships better than others? What is the one key element that is found in every single successful relationship? What is the foundation of every strong union between two people? What is the most important building block that lends strength to our very essence?

Respect. Not one sided respect. Mutual respect.

It’s a simple word that rolls easily off our tongues, sometimes even said with casual irreverence. The question is how well, if at all, do we put it into action in our day to day lives?

Think about every heated argument you’ve ever had with anyone and I can promise you that if you break it down to the basics, there was no mutual respect between the parties. Each side wanted something badly enough to not treat the other side with respect.

Treating someone with respect does not mean agreeing with them. Treating them with respect means that you can hear their point of you, you can disagree with them and still love them for the amazing person they are.

When there is respect, compromise is easy because it is coming from a place of love and appreciation, and it’s not a feeling of having given in. It’s a feeling of give and take.

So how do you put mutual respect into action. Simply put, you need to work hard at treating other people the way you want to be treated. When you treat with respect, you will be treated with respect.

What do you think is the most important building block for relationships?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our contributor, Susie Newday in Israel. You can find her on her blog New Day New Lesson.

Photo credit to the author.

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

More Posts - Website

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