FRANCE: About a Father

FRANCE: About a Father

2015-10-09_12 10 34_resizedWhen you first separate, you are a big mess but you are full of hope that you’ll just manage everything well, mostly with the father of your children.

You have thought about this many times, when you have heard about friends or acquaintances getting a divorce and fighting like mad people over this or that, without a thought for their poor children, who are completely lost between Mum and Dad, not knowing where to go, what to believe, or how to feel about all of this.

You are good at reassuring yourself. You won’t go that way and you’ll do everything in your power to protect your kids in this painful situation. You are very good at telling yourself that what happened between you and your ex-husband has nothing to do with the father he is and the relationship he has or will have with his children. You think that it’ll be easy to make the distinction between the man and the dad. Until it’s not.

After our separation and all the tears I shed, all the pain I had to overcome, I was ready to let my boy’s father have a chance to know him and develop a harmonious relationship with him. It was tough at first, tough to put aside my feelings, every memory of what we went through as a couple. But I did it considering my child’s best interests.

And I opened a door, to give us all a chance to build a brighter future for our boy, knowing that this would be quite difficult for all of us, that we’d need to give it time and that we’d have to celebrate successes without taking failures too seriously.

After a while, after many ups and downs on the road, I realised that sometimes you can’t make it easier for your little ones. Sometime there is a deeper problem.

I still try my best not to say anything bad about my boy’s father in front of him. I try my best to keep my anger away from him. But I find it difficult to make the distinction between Dad and ex-husband – maybe because he is not much of a dad, because he does not make any effort to make things go smoothly. I still find it hard to talk to my boy about his dad with joy and happiness. And when I hear my precious one saying with his innocent voice, “I miss you, Dad”, it breaks my heart.

How do you manage shared time with the father of your kid? Did you stay in good terms? Do you find it hard to let father and kids have the space they deserve?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber of France. Photo credit to the author.

Marie Kléber

Marie is from France and is living near Paris, after spending 6 years in Irlande. She is a single mum of one, sharing her time between work, family life and writing, her passion. She already wrote 6 books in her native langage. She loves reading, photography, meeting friends and sharing life experiences. She blogs about domestic abuse, parenting and poetry @https://mahshiandmarshmallow.wordpress.com

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FRANCE – Parenting With Parents: It Takes A Village

FRANCE – Parenting With Parents: It Takes A Village

it takes a villageSince my baby boy was born, I’ve been living with my parents (or it’s the other way around – they are living with me). We all live together in a two-room flat. I share the bedroom with my boy, and my parents sleep on the bed couch in the living room. I know that in some parts of the world, it’s normal. It’s not that usual in my part of the world. Family don’t live together for too long. Parents don’t come back to live with their children when they are getting old. But more and more often, children come back to live with their parents, after leaving home to study. They even come back with their kids or spouse. This is due to unemployment, real estate prices, life getting more and more expensive.

I was not ready for this. I was not ready to sign for it. But I was not alone. I had a little one to take care of. And I was on my own, separated from the father of my son. I had an entire life to rebuild. I needed help. I could have asked other people for this help. But they’re my parents and at the time I came back home, they were the only ones who could offer me the support I needed. My parents don’t care much about travelling or enjoying time together. They are family people, and they were delighted to be there to help me raise my little man.

So we started a new life together, sharing each moment, each joy and nearly each moment of pain, doubt, worry.

When it was becoming difficult for me to handle everything, I only had to look at my son’s face and see how delighted he was to have loving people around him. I only had to look at my mum and dad and see how much they enjoyed being with their grandson.

Day after day, it helped me to accept my situation.

Kids need love and support, and the knowledge that no matter what, we’ll be there for them. Kids need encouragement and the knowledge that we have faith in them. My son does not get this from his dad, because he does only sees him twice a month, for two hours at a time, under supervision. Without his dad being around, I am happy that he still gets a role model in his granddad. He is growing up in a secure environment, a much more secure one than the one he would have known if me and his dad had stayed together.

Whenever I feel like I want another life, whenever I feel squeezed and under pressure, I remember what the paediatrician told me:

“You are giving the best to your child. I can understand it’s hard for you. But for him, it’s all good. Under three years old, he needs this closeness. He feels secure this way.”

So what’s good for him make it bearable for me. Even if some days I wish for both of us to be on our own, so I don’t have to make efforts and compromise every single day (this is another story).

Do you feel like you could live with your parents again? Or is it natural in your country for all family to live together? If so, do you have your place as the mother of your kids or do you fight to find it?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber of France. Photo credit to the author.

Marie Kléber

Marie is from France and is living near Paris, after spending 6 years in Irlande. She is a single mum of one, sharing her time between work, family life and writing, her passion. She already wrote 6 books in her native langage. She loves reading, photography, meeting friends and sharing life experiences. She blogs about domestic abuse, parenting and poetry @https://mahshiandmarshmallow.wordpress.com

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FRANCE: Late Encounter With Life

FRANCE: Late Encounter With Life

marie life encounterI don’t know how your pregnancy went. I can tell you that mine was far from perfect, far from the dream I once had of what my life as a pregnant woman would be. I had it all planned, but nothing went according to plan. I was not sick but I was overly tired. And what made it all wrong was that something was missing in my marriage: there was a lack of communication and real love.

Many women say that the first meeting with their baby is the first ultrasound. Ultrasound technology has improved so much over the past decades. You can already see life inside you, before even feeling it. The second ultrasound was the worst for me, the one I went to, alone once again. When I was done, I stepped outside under the rain and cried. I was lost, not knowing whether I had made the right choice, keeping the baby. I was dealing with painful emotions on my own.

Pregnancy can be a fabulous experience. And it can be a terrific time too. It’s something we ought to remember, because if we don’t, it can cause much damage. We can quickly feel guilty for not feeling good. We can quickly feel that we are not good enough.

Society keeps telling us that we should only rejoice and be in the best mood, that carrying a baby in our womb is amazing, that many don’t have this chance, that the baby inside feels everything.

Morning sickness, depression, rising hormone levels, pelvic pain. We can all relate to this, at one stage or another. That does not make us bad mothers. It just reminds us that we are human beings, dealing with many thoughts and ideas, dealing with struggles which often show up again after many years of survival.

By the third ultrasound, my life was all upside down. I had already created a lake with all my tears. I had left my husband and the country I was living in. At the last ultrasound, I decided to ask whether it was a boy or a girl. I thought maybe this would help me to connect with my child, to reconnect.

But there was no miracle. I was still afraid of the life growing inside me. I lived through more downs than ups. I thought about giving my baby away when I was not thinking about taking my own life.

I could say that delivery changed it all, but it wouldn’t be true. I had a beautiful time. One of my best friends was with me. She cried with me, she suffered with me, she enjoyed this special time with me. I think I was on another planet.

Babies have the power to erase all things around them. You listen to their breath. You can watch them sleep for hours. And the world stops turning around. You feel safe for a while. I can say it was love at first sight. I loved this baby boy,  as I started loving him the day I spotted the signs on the pregnancy test. But it felt quite unreal. Something was missing. I could not stop thinking about how this baby could love me back.

It lasted for two years. We were together and yet I could not put words on what we were living together. I was afraid of my baby boy. I was afraid of what I could miss with him. I was scared to hold him in my arms, to give him his bath. I could not stop thinking “it’s going to be easier when he’ll start walking, or talking”. I could not stop the flow of negative thinking “not good enough”. He was alive and I was almost dead.

It took me two years to realize that I was alive too.

One day I spotted both of us laughing, in front of the mirror in the living room. Life burst out of the room, out of our bodies, out of our hearts beating together again. I realized that we were both alive, that I was the best mum for him. By taking away everything that I believed in, life gave me a second chance, a chance I was willing to take care of.

How did it go for you? Did you suffer from depression after birth? Or did you enjoy the happiness of motherhood from the beginning?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber from France. Photo credit to the author.

Marie Kléber

Marie is from France and is living near Paris, after spending 6 years in Irlande. She is a single mum of one, sharing her time between work, family life and writing, her passion. She already wrote 6 books in her native langage. She loves reading, photography, meeting friends and sharing life experiences. She blogs about domestic abuse, parenting and poetry @https://mahshiandmarshmallow.wordpress.com

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France: New Writer Interview – Marie Kléber

France: New Writer Interview – Marie Kléber

Interview pic: FranceWhere in the world do you live? And, are you from there?

I live in Paris. I am from France, Nantes, on the west coast. I lived in Dublin, Ireland, for a couple of years before coming back home.

What language(s) do you speak?

I speak French and English. I know a bit of Spanish and Arabic.

 When did you first become a mother (year/age)?

Two years ago, on Valentine’s Day I gave birth to my baby boy! I was 33.

Are you a stay-at-home mom or do you work?

I thought I could stay home and look after my child. But then life decided otherwise, and I had to come back to France and search for a job. I found an Executive Assistant position and I can say now that I am happy to be a working mum, even if sometimes it’s a bit tough to manage it all.

Why do you blog/write?

I blog to share and learn, to heal. Writing is my best medicine. It gives me a place to be me and to rejoice with others.

I blog to remember what happens in life, how I overcome challenges, to remember the joy and the happy moments, life’s little treasures.

What makes you unique as a mother?

I am a free spirit. I don’t follow any rules. I find here and there the wisdom I need to raise my kid. I am only unique because my kid is unique. But I am no better than any other mum. Each mum is unique in a way.

I am learning every day. I can say my child is my best teacher. I am rebuilding myself with him, much stronger every day.

What do you view as the challenges of raising a child in today’s world?

Being a single mum is a choice I made because married life was becoming a nightmare. I saved our lives by leaving. But some days I find it challenging to raise my kid on my own. I wish to teach him respect, tolerance, peace and confidence. I wish him to be free and in peace. But the outside world frightens me a lot. There is much craziness around. And I try as much as possible to focus on the beauty of creation and the little things that make a difference, to surround ourselves with love and compassion, empathy and positive people.

 How did you find World Moms Blog?

I met Salma when I started blogging. And she was such an inspiration to me that we became friends. She’s been writing for World Moms Blog for a while. My first encounter with the website was through her. And I found there the empowerment I was looking for, a community of women sharing and caring for one another.

These interview questions were answered for World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber. Photo credit to the author.

Marie Kléber

Marie is from France and is living near Paris, after spending 6 years in Irlande. She is a single mum of one, sharing her time between work, family life and writing, her passion. She already wrote 6 books in her native langage. She loves reading, photography, meeting friends and sharing life experiences. She blogs about domestic abuse, parenting and poetry @https://mahshiandmarshmallow.wordpress.com

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