When you first separate, you are a big mess but you are full of hope that you’ll just manage everything well, mostly with the father of your children.
You have thought about this many times, when you have heard about friends or acquaintances getting a divorce and fighting like mad people over this or that, without a thought for their poor children, who are completely lost between Mum and Dad, not knowing where to go, what to believe, or how to feel about all of this.
You are good at reassuring yourself. You won’t go that way and you’ll do everything in your power to protect your kids in this painful situation. You are very good at telling yourself that what happened between you and your ex-husband has nothing to do with the father he is and the relationship he has or will have with his children. You think that it’ll be easy to make the distinction between the man and the dad. Until it’s not.
After our separation and all the tears I shed, all the pain I had to overcome, I was ready to let my boy’s father have a chance to know him and develop a harmonious relationship with him. It was tough at first, tough to put aside my feelings, every memory of what we went through as a couple. But I did it considering my child’s best interests.
And I opened a door, to give us all a chance to build a brighter future for our boy, knowing that this would be quite difficult for all of us, that we’d need to give it time and that we’d have to celebrate successes without taking failures too seriously.
After a while, after many ups and downs on the road, I realised that sometimes you can’t make it easier for your little ones. Sometime there is a deeper problem.
I still try my best not to say anything bad about my boy’s father in front of him. I try my best to keep my anger away from him. But I find it difficult to make the distinction between Dad and ex-husband – maybe because he is not much of a dad, because he does not make any effort to make things go smoothly. I still find it hard to talk to my boy about his dad with joy and happiness. And when I hear my precious one saying with his innocent voice, “I miss you, Dad”, it breaks my heart.
How do you manage shared time with the father of your kid? Did you stay in good terms? Do you find it hard to let father and kids have the space they deserve?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber of France. Photo credit to the author.
Marie,
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. I want to give you a great big hug across the Atlantic to France. Stay strong. You have our support!
Jen 🙂
Jen,
Thanks a million for your support. It means a lot.
This is the reason why your website makes a difference in our lives. We can share our stories and feel much stronger than we’ve ever been.
Marie,
Thank you — that means so much to me!
Jen 🙂
I completely understand. I work hard at differentiating between my ex as a person and his behaviour for my kids. I also ask them to focus on his positive qualities and choose to emulate them.
But yes, it’s hard sometimes to keep opinions out of discussions….very hard.
Karyn,
Thank you for your words. I think it’s something we have to work on every day. For the sake of our kids.
And for our sanity too!
—–Marie,
you are so strong and amazing and inspiring.
I love reading how far you’ve come, darling. xxx Luv From MN.
Whenever I hear such a story, it breaks my heart. Children are too innocent to understand misunderstandings, manipulations and domestic strife. I wish all the love to you and your son, dear Marie. I sincerely hope that his father gives him his sincere love. I hope he understands that a child deserves all those loving memories.
I salute your courage and resilience dear friend. Stay blessed and happy.
It is heartbreaking Balroop, cause yes a child is so innocent and his love is pure and true.
I do try to see his father just as his father. But some things make me doubt a bit about his feelings. Saying you love someone does not mean that much when there’s no action towards this love. But let’s hope.
Thanks a lot for everything.
Thank you Kim for being such a supportive friend all along.
Much love from Paris
Oh Marie…
What an honest and difficult experience you share with us here. I’m just so deeply moved by your noble intention to sacrifice your own feelings toward your x, for the sake of your son! It breaks my heart to read of your son’s precious need and desire to see his father. I can only imagine what it does to yours…
Thank you Chris. Yes it’s kind of tough. Some days it’s ok and some days it feels like I can’t control anything. I think whenever possible it’s good to keep the relationship going. But as I know I can’t replace his father. It’s up to him to do whatever it takes to be part of his life.
Oh Marie, this must have been so difficult for you to hear and know hoe your little one misses his father, and it makes it worse when it is not vise versa. I’ve seen many of my friends in your situation and how their children are so happy to even get a phone call from their – so called dads, and how it is so hard to keep saying positive things about him when he does not even care about his child(ren). But do not worry they will overcome this difficulty that they had to put up with in such a young age, it will leave a scar but I am sure it will make them much stronger and wiser.
We always want what’s best for our kids Amira. But sometimes we can’t control everything. We just need to do with what we have and protect them as much as we can. It’s a hard balance to find. But you’re right they’ll manage, as long as they have enough love around.
Thank you for taking teh time to read and share a couple of words.