From time to time, I got questions like, “Why do you send your baby to day care when you’re staying at home all day long?” or “Why don’t you cook everyday? Don’t you have plenty of time at home?”
I just shrugged and said, “because I am a bad mom.”
You see, my little one started to go to day care when he was 3 months old. When my previous employer refused to provide breastfeeding accommodation, I quit my full time reporting job. I became a work-from-home working mom when my little one turned 6 months old…but he continued going to school.
This is what my current typical day looks like: Get up, walk my now 2-year-old to his school, come home and then write, write, write. I have to produce at least 2,000 words on a daily basis. If I finish my writing before 4 PM, I cook, and then pick up the little one by 6 PM. We come home, and the whole family sits down together for dinner.
If I don’t finish my writing by 4 PM, I still have to pick him up by 6 PM. Then the whole family goes out for dinner. Whether we dine at home or dine out, we spend a solid hour playing together after eating. At the end of the day I give him a bath, give him his bedtime nursing session, brush his teeth, read him a story, and kiss him goodnight. Then I spend the rest of the night catching up on my chores.
This is on an easy day. Hard days happen when I have a business trip, out-of-town interviews to conduct, research to do, or, the worse, when the little one is sick.
These are my days.
But some people might think that working from home equals not working…and they consider sending a child under 3 years old to school while the mother is “sitting at home all day long” unforgivable.
I know some supermoms who do everything themselves. They give birth at home; they cook every meal from scratch; they homeschool their children. I admire these moms while they turn up their nose on moms like me.
I know some super grandmas who love to tell stories about what great mothers they made when they were my age and how well they handled their dozen of very active kids and bunch of very annoying in-laws.
These are the people who love to ask me a question like, “I bet you just drop the poor kid to that terrible place, and then go shopping and out to lunch, don’t you?”
Before my little one turned 1 year old, I would sincerely go though my typical day with them, detailing what I really do when my little one goes to school. I would earnestly share my experience of choosing a good day care with them and telling them why I really like my little one’s teacher. I would seriously quote George Bernard Shaw’s “Man and Superman,” explaining my decision of keeping my career.
But I soon realized that my sincerity would only bring on more questions. Now I just shrug,and say, “Because I am a bad mom.” For some reason, my questioners really like this answer.
Just earlier this month, my mother-in-law once again told me, “I can’t bare seeing you send my grandson to day care at such a young age. That’s just horrible.”
I said, “yes, that’s horrible. I am a bad mom. I can’t be as good as you are.”
She said, “I know, right?”
And that was the end of the discussion.
Has anyone ever tried to make you feel guilty or ashamed by someone for being a working mom, work-from-home or a stay-at-home mom who uses childcare or pre-school? How have you dealt with it?
This has been an exclusive post for World Moms Blog by To-wen Tseng. She can be found writing at her blog “I’d rather be breastfeeding” and on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit to the author.
If I judge you by your day, I think you’re a great mom, keeping the right balance! But I think you already know that 😉
Awww…thanks. There’re many times I actually feel like a bad mom, like this morning when I dropped LO at his day care. He’s been stayed home sick. Today I decided to bring him back to school since he’s been free of fever for more than 24 hours. He cried, saying that he wanted to stay home for one more day. Still, I sent him to school because I’m a *bad mom*.
I live in the Arab world which means no matter how much you try you will never be as good a mom as anyone who gives you heir opinion on how you are parenting. Which is everyone basically. I personally believe that any support you can get, be it childcare, day care, a family member, will always help you be a better mom. And you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. Each one do us parents how we personally think is best but that doesn’t mean we are welcome to pass judgment on any other mother.
I think you’re very right–not only in Arab world but globally. How can we be any better than those who give us parenting advices? We’re all bad moms, one way or another.
To-Wen,
Where your office is shouldn’t matter. You should ask them, do you think it is better if I pay to to rent hours in an offsite to get my work done than work from home? I choose not to do that because it is not a financially wise decision for me.
This is the first year for me that I decided to put my little on in extended care every day this week, so I could work on the site. She loves it. And when I pick her up, she gets my undivided attention, instead of a mom who is talking to her behind my computer screen all day. That is not what we want for our children.
I think the world changes. Women’s roles change. And every mom has got to make the best decision for themselves and toss out the guilt. I’m really glad that you wrote this piece!
Jen 🙂
Thanks Jen 🙂
I stopped explain myself for saying “I’m a bad mom” is a more efficient way to end the unpleasant discussion. It’s sad but I feel sometimes this is what those who question me really want to hear because they want to feel like a better mom.
Glad to hear that your daughter enjoy the extended care!
I too am a working mom and since we don’t have any family nearby, we used daycare once my maternity leave ended (about 3-4 months old) for both kids. I can see how frustrating it would be explain your day each time you get questioned by others, so I love you’re response about being a “bad mom”.
I have actually sometimes felt like a bad mom, when I get comments about using childcare from stay-at-home moms, but then I remind myself what a dear friend told me once. She pointed out that since I have two girls, I will be one of their role models. By working and also being a mom, I am showing them that there are different ways to be a mom – and being a working mom is one of them, and that is okay. She said that our home environment is also showing them that having a partner (my hubby) who supports your goals and ambitions as a working wife/mother is part of a healthy relationship.
I think people have to do what works best for their financial and home life situation, but for now, this works for my family.
Thanks Eva. I think you’re a great role model.
My mother was a stay-at-home mom with 3 children and she was probably the most unhappy person I’ve ever met. The lesson I learned from her is to keep my career no matter how hard it is. Maybe I’ll write her story one day.
Thanks To-Wen. And yes, I think your mom’s story sounds interesting – do write one day!
It always amazes me what people say to moms! I am now entering an era where I am a stay at home mom with both sons in school 6 hours per day. People always ask me what I will do with all of my free time and say how my life must be so great. Well, it is great, but not because I am sitting around watching tv and napping. While I am in more control of my schedule, there isn’t much free time if I list off all the household chores, errands, pet care, school volunteering, medical appointments, and occasional exercise that I squeeze in before the kids get home and need me. Heck, I could fold laundry and do dishes for the majority of that time! No matter how you slice it, we moms all work hard for our families, and we should pump each other up whenever possible.
I know, right? You would think only people who don’t have children would ask questions like that. It’s especially discouraging when it’s from other moms.