As I type these words, my almost four-year-old is entertaining himself playing with one of his many toy airplanes. In his mind, our bedroom is an airport and the sky is the limit. In the room next door my baby sleeps. I call him my baby but in fact he just turned two years old last week and baby is the last word I should use to describe him. My second child is now a full-fletched toddler and his chubby cheeks and legs keep slimming and he keeps transforming into a little boy. I don’t have a baby anymore.
We always said we wanted three kids, even when we were dating and testing the waters talking about our potential future families. When Evan, our oldest, turned one, we knew right away we wanted another baby soon so we got pregnant soon after. When Josh turned one, we knew we weren’t ready and now that he has just turned two we know it’s time to think about this again, but we just don’t feel ready.
We still want three kids, but it never seems to be the right time. If I could just fast-forward the 9 months of pregnancy and have a little one right here right now, I would do it. But just the thought of going through a pregnancy with two little guys to chase makes me hesitant.
In addition to that, we know we are moving out of Jakarta in a few months and I refuse to move pregnant, again. The last two big moves we made were considerably harder for me as I was pregnant both times. We might go back to the US, and I know I probably will start looking for a job soon after we move there. Routines, kid’s activities and just life will probably take over soon after we move there.
We love to travel and adding to the family would mean the need to book an extra room in many hotels. Most cars are designed to fit four people comfortably. The thought of hauling hundreds of diapers and baby items in my suitcase isn’t exactly appealing.
The boys are just perfect. They have fun together and complement each other. They are growing and the sleepless nights and crying spells are gone. They have a great dynamic going and I wonder if adding an extra sibling would alter this dynamic and change their relationship.
Rationally speaking, it doesn’t make any sense to do this again, but in my heart I still feel like we are missing a new member in our family. My husband and I go back and forth, and mostly try to ignore the subject as we know decision-making time is approaching, but we are hesitant to go for it as much as we are hesitant to make the decision to close the subject and stay as a family of four.
As I look at babies and yearn for the snuggles of the first months, I also look at my two amazing little boys. I think I should focus on their toddler and preschool years and enjoy them to the fullest without having to worry about a bad pregnancy or caring for a newborn. Evidently the case for number three is not closed but it might have to wait a few more months. In the meantime, I will just focus on my two active boys and enjoy holding my friends’ newborn babes as often as I can.
How many kids did you plan to have? Is that as many as you have now? Was it a difficult decision to go for #1, #2, #3 or #4?
This is an original post by World Moms Blog contributor, Ana Gaby in Jakarta, Indonesia.