Writing this post was the most challenging of all the posts I’ve ever written. You may not find it that valuable, but I will still go with writing and publishing it. Actually I wanted and needed to write, but I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to share it. My thoughts and my mind are a real mess.
Since the beginning of the 2013, life was really hard for me. First, I lost my father, and although I was accepting this fact and apparently I was calm, I was unaware that I was plunging into depression. It took me five months to realize it and accept the idea that I needed therapy. When I started to feel better, the situation in Egypt deteriorated, and we were under curfew for months. I was imprisoned at home and rarely went out. I lost interest in everything except the political talk shows, but later on I realized that was the main cause of my feeling down and fearful most of the time. I totally lost motivation to do anything and lost interest in anything. All I wanted was to stay still and silent for hours.
I stopped working on different projects I had already started. I stopped exercising, reading, writing on my personal blog, and could barely commit to my World Moms Blog monthly post. Honestly, I didn’t want to do anything. I used to spend long hours doing nothing and just staring into the space. I avoided people by all means, and my depression was really harmful to my children. I couldn’t keep them committed to their exercising schedule. My younger son didn’t join any sport activity for more than three months. My two sons spent almost their whole four month long vacation playing games on the computer. Although, I was really against letting them waste such long hours in front of the computer monitor, I couldn’t do anything about it.
When I tried to understand why I was feeling this way, I found out that the stressful and major incidents of this year had negatively affected my life emotionally.
I felt heavy, fearful and unable to enjoy anything. I was overeating, finding relief in food, and I ended up gaining weight. I was over-thinking and found relief in spending time in silence away from even the people I love. I was looking for relief, but I didn’t really know where to find it. I always imagined my mind and my life to be like the sea water when the latter is agitated the water is never clear, it is mixed with the sand. The water can be clear only when the sea is calm.
Questions were ringing in my mind: How can I keep sane in a very uncertain, crazy and unsafe environment? How can I not get affected by all the painful personal and public events?
Every day people and children are killed in acts of terrorism because of a group of people who claim they are fighting for their rights. Others are killed in car accidents because of negligence and carelessness of the drivers. Poverty is increasing because of the economic crisis. Poor people are screaming and not only suffering, but expecting a better life that’s not arriving. Traffic jams are all day long not only during the rush hours. Most people have put their lives on hold awaiting the situation to improve in the country but it isn’t really happening. Nothing is improving.
I know that the improvement won’t happen overnight, and it may take us years to feel the improvement in different aspects of our lives. Still, I feel stuck and unable to move forward and cope. I feel stuck in everything – even in writing this post.
Nothing excites me and I force myself to commit only to the very basic needs of my family, but at the same time I can’t connect with them. I feel emotionally separated from the whole world.
It’s really bad to feel that way but I think many women like me have gone through similar experiences during their lives for one reason or another. To get out of it I decided not to think a lot and accept the idea that we all face similar challenges during our life journey. I decided to stop forcing myself to work on intellectual projects and just work on hand crafts. I always liked and made cross stitching, knitting, needle works projects. I decided to give my mind a break, stop forcing my mind to think about my coaching business and how to market it after all the failures and rejections I got during the past two years. I will enjoy making colorful table runners, wall and cushions quilts to shift my mind and get rid of all the negative feelings I have. I need to get my mind clear like the water of the calm sea to find out what can I do with my life .
Have you been in a similar situation? When have you felt that you were totally stuck and unable to move forward? How could you overcome this feeling and keep going on with your life?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Nihad from Alexandria, Egypt. Nihad blogs at Aurora Beams Life Coaching.
Image courtesy of “Stressed man among question marks” by Master isolated images FreeDigitalPhotos.net