I mentioned in previous posts how I am madly in love with my children and how I take care to express my love to my children. I even wrote about different love languages to express our love to our kids. I was always crazy about children, especially babies and toddlers. However, a little while ago, I had a wrong belief that once they go to school they are not that tender and young, and this belief was the cause of depriving me of enjoying many beautiful years of my elder son’s childhood.
My elder son was six years old when I gave birth to his younger brother. Of course, all my attention was shifted to the newborn baby, and as he was rarely sleeping at night, I was extremely exhausted, impatient and nervous. It took me a whole month to realize that my elder son had became such a low priority in my life. Taking care of the newborn baby, the house works and all these details brought my elder son to the background of my life. All I was taking care of was sending him to school and lettin him do the homework, and I totally neglected his emotional needs as a child.
He was my first priority and then suddenly he found himself at the end of my priority list, which negatively affected him and our relationship. He was trying to grab my attention in different ways even by misbehaving, but of course I was punishing him and didn’t realize that he was missing me and our relationship. I was going through a tough time with a family, a newborn baby, a full-time job and a problematic relationship. It was more than I could deal with. I admit now that seeing my eldest son this way was wrong, but I wasn’t aware of it at the time.
It took me almost two years to start looking for counseling to understand why my relationship with my elder son was worsening. I thought he was big enough to take care of himself as I was comparing him to his younger brother who was still a baby and needed more attention. With the counselor, I found out what mistakes I was making and it helped me a lot to improve our relationship.
My older son is sixteen years old now, and we have a great relationship. His brother is almost ten years old. However, until now, I hadn’t felt that my younger son was big enough to take care of himself, the way I thought with his elder brother at the same age. Until now, I feel he is my lovely child, and I love taking good care of him as I did for ten years.
When I look at the photos from when my elder son was ten or eleven years old, I realize that he was still a child even though I had thought of him as “big enough” to do things on his own.
At that moment I often feel two negative feelings. Sometimes I feel regretful because due to lack of awareness I lost four lovely years of my son’s childhood that I could have enjoyed even more. Other times I feel I was unfair to him because I didn’t give him the attention and care he needed at that age. I remember that he was always mentioning that we didn’t love him as much as his brother, that he was not beautiful as his brother and that nobody cared about him.
But I always repeated to him that it was normal for people to care for babies more than for older children and that when he was young himself, the whole family cared for, pampered and loved him just as they do with his brother. I was telling him that he would see when his brother grows up how this attention and care would shift to other babies in the family.
This experience comes to my mind every now and then, and I wonder when I will feel that my younger son is “big enough.” Will I ever? Will I keep feeling that he is still young and needs care as he is the youngest?
Many women in my community have this feeling for their younger child. They never feel that their child has grown up until they get another one to take care of and hence the younger stay young for a long long time.
Have you been in a similar situation? When did you feel that your child has grown up and is not a child anymore? Does it have any relation to the culture or is it just mother’s feelings?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Nihad from Alexandria, Egypt. Nihad blogs at Aurora Beams Life Coaching.
Image courtesy of “Infant Hand And Mother Hand” by Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Nihad,
It’s so tough to remember that the older child is still a baby, too. Thank you for your very honest piece. I’m thinking of you and hoping you and your family are safe during the current events.
Great post!
Jen 🙂
Thank you for the gentle reminder that the older one is still a baby. We often forget that about our 6 year old, and I often stop mid-sentence to remind myself, and chance my expectations of my son. similar to your son he has started to look for other ways to get my attention, and it is by crying for things (like his little sister does) when he wants something. sometimes we just have to stop and enjoy the moment with them (and the love and cuddles too). 🙂
Wow. I think it’s really brave and self reflective of you to admit all of this. And it sounds like you learned a lot through your journey with your boys. I think the thing with wanting your last born to remain the baby might be pretty universal. Here in Kenya I’ve heard the phrase “love him like a last born” which means pretty much what you are getting at here. Great post!
Is not easy to admit you’ve neglected your firstborn because of the newborn. Your post has reminded me that I’ve once neglected my daughter because I was too scared to ask for help after giving birth to my son the following year. I thought I’m good to complete house chores & take care of the kids whenever I’m home. I just wanted to be ‘Supermom’ just as I’ve visualised in my teen years. With a demanding full time job & 2 small kids, I was struggling to go through the hours. Luckily I found a very nice babysitter. She took care of my kids so well. Even now, we visited her during school holidays, after 12yrs.
My kids are now 14 & 13 respectively. I did not have time to go through therapy but I only realised my mistakewhen my daughter was 6. Shewas silent & would sulk most of the time. I’ve changed my approach then. I tried to speak kid stuff. Then gradually our relationship got better. Now we are best friends. She will confide her school problems with me.
Wonderful post. Hope you & family is safe & sound in Alexandria, your belived city.
I mean Alexandria, your beloved city. Spellchecker is messing up.
As a neglected first born myself, I made a concerted effort to not make the same mistake with my own child.
In fact I’m horrified that (at only 12 years of age) I was left to babysit my 8 year old sister, baby brother and younger cousins! At the time I felt very grown up, but as a mom myself, I didn’t think my 12 year old son was old enough to babysit his 9 year old sister!!
I love his post because I feel the same way about my oldest! She was only six when she had three younger siblings and so seemed so old to me! She also has a very reserved personality that always seemed older than her years, when I think back to the difference in how I treated her at 8yrs old and how I now baby my youngest son at 8yrs old I feel so guilty!!
Yes this totally resonates with me. I very much thought my oldest should be old enough to do things, where with youngest I do coddle him and protect him quite a bit more. Great post!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, they were so helpful to let me know that what I have done is not a crime and I must not feel guilty about it, it’s normal and we all as mothers behave and feel the same way.
Glad the post resonated with all of you 🙂
Thanks again for all who worries about me and my family because of the events in Egypt. In Alexandria and in the area I live, thanks Allah, it’s safe but I prefer not going out a lot. Anyway the curfew obliges us to stay at home from sunset to the following morning. The situation in Cairo and Upper Egypt is really severe lets pray for them. I hope we can overcome all that soon.
My best wishes to all of you 😀
Glad to hear you & family are safe & sound 🙂
Wonderful post Nihad!
I do feel that sometimes my oldest gets neglected because our youngest needs more hand holding, so I have started to make an extra effort to set aside some one-on-one time with my oldest. This could be snuggling in bed or on the couch to read a book together, or baking something together while her sister naps. It’s a juggling act sometimes, but I guess that’s part of motherhood.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing your experience with us!