I have two young sons. When I think about what I want for them in life, love is on top of the list.
I want them to feel the love of their family – the unconditional love of both their parents and the love that comes from the special bond of being brothers.
I want them to know what it’s like to have the love of true, life long friends who will celebrate their strengths and look past their weaknesses.
I want them to understand what it means to love themselves and everything special and unique that only their spirits bring to the world. Through this, they can reciprocate all the love that they receive.
I want them toΒ feelΒ love for the natural world around them.
And I want them to experience romantic love, hopefully with more positive than negative outcomes (because let’s be honest….heartbreak is part of the deal).
It’s this last part that prompts me to write today. The awakening of romantic love and sexual attraction is a confusing and difficult (albeit exciting) time in life, and there will be so much to sort through, which my sons may or may not be willing to talk to me about.
So when they develop those butterflies in their stomachs that only come from developing one’s first true crush,Β I want my kids to focus on feeling what they feel, sorting out each step of the awkward social process and making safe, healthy decisions. But I do not want them to feel ashamed to tell me if that special person happens to be another boy.
If my sons work up the courage to ask someone to the prom, and they choose Stan over Sue, I want them to knowΒ I won’t hassle them over theirΒ date.Β I will hassle them over my gettingΒ ample photo shoot time in front of some crazy home made backdrop thatΒ I will throw together in my living room prior to them leaving for the big event.
If they come to me to tell me they found “the one” and are engaged, I want them to know my issue will never be with whether that special someone is a man or woman. My issue will be whether or not that special someone loves and respects them unconditionally, will stand by and lift them up throughout life,Β will nurture them spiritually, and will be their best friend. Those are the things I want for my sons in marriage, and I will happily welcome a future daughter-in-lawΒ OR son-in-law who can deliver.
I am saying “I want” a lot in this post, and of course, none of this is really about what I want. And that’s the whole point. I love my sons, and they will have my support with what they want. In romantic love, that could ending up looking like the traditional, heterosexual,Β chosen-for-loveΒ marriages they come from (Both sets of grandparents areΒ growing old together, stillΒ married after decades. And my husband and I celebrate our 10th anniversary later this year). Or it could look like something else entirely.Β Either way, our home will always be a safe, supportive place for them to be who they are, feel what they feel, and find their way. AndΒ while there is still a ways to go,Β I live in a country with increasing support for the LGBT community. I hope by the time my kids reach puberty, there will be even greater equality and acceptance of all sexual orientations.
How does your culture address the pursuit of romantic love and various sexual orientations, and how will you support (or have already supported) your children throughΒ thatΒ process?Β
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Tara B. of Washington (State) USA.
Photo credit to the author.
There’s huge conservatism here in NZ, but a growing awareness…
Loved this post, Tara. Thanks. π
It’s so interesting to hear how other cultures and countries view these things. It is still very hotly debated here in the US, particularly now in regards to legalizing gay marriage. Each state is allowed to vote on whether to allow gay marriage in their own state, but it isn’t legal everywhere and not on a federal level, so whether it “sticks” is unknown in each case. If you are married in Washington but not in another state…well…that’s tricky. Either way, it’s a step in the rigth direction. Thank you for commenting, and fun new pic of you!
(Thanks!)
My understanding is that the union between a gay couple has the same legal standing as a marriage between a man and a woman here in NZ. However, there are a lot of people who struggle with small boys wearing pink tutus – so actual acceptance for many Kiiws (for their own children) you’d have to ask each family individually!
There’s huge conservatism here in NZ, but a growing awareness…
Loved this post, Tara. Thanks. π
It’s so interesting to hear how other cultures and countries view these things. It is still very hotly debated here in the US, particularly now in regards to legalizing gay marriage. Each state is allowed to vote on whether to allow gay marriage in their own state, but it isn’t legal everywhere and not on a federal level, so whether it “sticks” is unknown in each case. If you are married in Washington but not in another state…well…that’s tricky. Either way, it’s a step in the rigth direction. Thank you for commenting, and fun new pic of you!
(Thanks!)
My understanding is that the union between a gay couple has the same legal standing as a marriage between a man and a woman here in NZ. However, there are a lot of people who struggle with small boys wearing pink tutus – so actual acceptance for many Kiiws (for their own children) you’d have to ask each family individually!
Beautiful post, Tara B. ! I agree wholeheartedly.
Here in Korea, homosexuality is viewed as a Western phenomenon. They “deal” with it by denying that it exists within their culture. This is, of course, a generalization, but with the heavy cultural emphasis on procreation and producing male heirs, I think it is going to be a long road to acceptance for the LGBTQ in Korea.
Thank you for chiming in on this and sharing your culture’s view. There is still a lot of denial here too depending where you live. I happen to live in a pretty progressive area, and Washington just authorized gay marriage in our state, so it’s gaining ground. There will always be static in the public on this issue, which is why I want our home to be completely open and honest with it’s acceptance of all sexual orientations.
Beautiful post, Tara B. ! I agree wholeheartedly.
Here in Korea, homosexuality is viewed as a Western phenomenon. They “deal” with it by denying that it exists within their culture. This is, of course, a generalization, but with the heavy cultural emphasis on procreation and producing male heirs, I think it is going to be a long road to acceptance for the LGBTQ in Korea.
Thank you for chiming in on this and sharing your culture’s view. There is still a lot of denial here too depending where you live. I happen to live in a pretty progressive area, and Washington just authorized gay marriage in our state, so it’s gaining ground. There will always be static in the public on this issue, which is why I want our home to be completely open and honest with it’s acceptance of all sexual orientations.
I came to US as an Au Pair to a gay couple (two dads with twins). During the two years of living with them I had seen how much they had to struggle to get support from their own families. It was really hard to watch them not being accepted for who they are by the closest family members. Situations like that shouldn’t be happening in XXI century. I think we, as people are better than that.
What an interesting perspective you must have! I also have gay friends with kids, and I think about how committed they have to be as parents to even make the child happen. It’s not like an accidental pregnancy. Gay couples have to work through processes, take longer to consider if it’s right for them, set up support systems, deal with adoption after the fact so both partners have legal rights to the child…things that most straight couples don’t have to think twice about. Then they get judged for their decision of intentionally creating a loving home for future generations. I agree that we, as humans, are better than that and should work to support families in all shapes and sizes.
I came to US as an Au Pair to a gay couple (two dads with twins). During the two years of living with them I had seen how much they had to struggle to get support from their own families. It was really hard to watch them not being accepted for who they are by the closest family members. Situations like that shouldn’t be happening in XXI century. I think we, as people are better than that.
What an interesting perspective you must have! I also have gay friends with kids, and I think about how committed they have to be as parents to even make the child happen. It’s not like an accidental pregnancy. Gay couples have to work through processes, take longer to consider if it’s right for them, set up support systems, deal with adoption after the fact so both partners have legal rights to the child…things that most straight couples don’t have to think twice about. Then they get judged for their decision of intentionally creating a loving home for future generations. I agree that we, as humans, are better than that and should work to support families in all shapes and sizes.
Beautiful post, Tara. When it comes to motherhood it’s all about the love and support we can provide for our children to have happy lives. Your sons are lucky to have you as their mom!
Jen π
Thank you so much Jen! I feel lucky to have these boys as my sons, so the last thing I want to do is reject who they fundamentally may be in any area. This is one area I wanted to bring awareness to as I have many friends in the LGBT community, whom my sons know and care about. Also, I have friends who are parents and have said they don’t know how they will feel if their kids are gay. Kids pick up on things way earlier than we think, and we sow the seeds of self-acceptance early by positively and openly embracing all sorts of people. So while I don’t expect everyone to agree with my viewpoint on this, I encourage all to think on it so they can send the messages they intend from the start.
Beautiful post, Tara. When it comes to motherhood it’s all about the love and support we can provide for our children to have happy lives. Your sons are lucky to have you as their mom!
Jen π
Thank you so much Jen! I feel lucky to have these boys as my sons, so the last thing I want to do is reject who they fundamentally may be in any area. This is one area I wanted to bring awareness to as I have many friends in the LGBT community, whom my sons know and care about. Also, I have friends who are parents and have said they don’t know how they will feel if their kids are gay. Kids pick up on things way earlier than we think, and we sow the seeds of self-acceptance early by positively and openly embracing all sorts of people. So while I don’t expect everyone to agree with my viewpoint on this, I encourage all to think on it so they can send the messages they intend from the start.
great post!! Motherhood is about love not judgement!!!!
Thank you for commenting…and yes – Love not judgement. Perfect summary π
great post!! Motherhood is about love not judgement!!!!
Thank you for commenting…and yes – Love not judgement. Perfect summary π
That is beautiful. I pray for those exact things for my own children. It took years for me to be able to say that I am bi-sexual and to accept that so I constantly tell my children it is perfectly okay to love another man or woman. π
Thank you for sharing your perspetive as a bi-sexual person. Love and blessings to you and your family!
That is beautiful. I pray for those exact things for my own children. It took years for me to be able to say that I am bi-sexual and to accept that so I constantly tell my children it is perfectly okay to love another man or woman. π
Thank you for sharing your perspetive as a bi-sexual person. Love and blessings to you and your family!
Fantastic post! I completely whole-heatedly agree. Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you!
Thank you for your kind words, thirdeyemom! I feel lucky everyday to be with them π
Fantastic post! I completely whole-heatedly agree. Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you!
Thank you for your kind words, thirdeyemom! I feel lucky everyday to be with them π
When my brother came out as a gay man, I proudly and lovingly stood by his side and did my best to support him through all of the crap that came flying his way. I have willingly given up a friendship with someone who I discovered felt “great” about the fact that he used to beat up gay people. When I got married, I made sure our minister and his church had a welcoming attitude to gay people. I cannot be around anyone who would not welcome my brother and love and accept him for the person he is. I like to think that in the ways that count, I *am* my brother’s keeper.
If one of my boys turns out to be gay, I will not have a problem with it. There is so little love in the world as it is, and if two people find it in each other, who is anyone to interfere? No matter whether the two people are of different genders or not.
Great post – thank you for raising such an important topic.
Kirsten
Thank you for sharing your experiences. How wonderful that you and your brother have each other! I just can’t imagine anyone ever tellling me that I shouldn’t love my husband, or physically threatening me because of it. May the next generation know broader tolerance and acceptance π
When my brother came out as a gay man, I proudly and lovingly stood by his side and did my best to support him through all of the crap that came flying his way. I have willingly given up a friendship with someone who I discovered felt “great” about the fact that he used to beat up gay people. When I got married, I made sure our minister and his church had a welcoming attitude to gay people. I cannot be around anyone who would not welcome my brother and love and accept him for the person he is. I like to think that in the ways that count, I *am* my brother’s keeper.
If one of my boys turns out to be gay, I will not have a problem with it. There is so little love in the world as it is, and if two people find it in each other, who is anyone to interfere? No matter whether the two people are of different genders or not.
Great post – thank you for raising such an important topic.
Kirsten
Thank you for sharing your experiences. How wonderful that you and your brother have each other! I just can’t imagine anyone ever tellling me that I shouldn’t love my husband, or physically threatening me because of it. May the next generation know broader tolerance and acceptance π
I was pretty elated last month when Washington legalized gay marriage. Actually, there was a lot of crying thinking about people I know who were not allowed to marry before. Whoever my boys fall in love with, I just want them to be treated right and to respect each other.
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt comment! It’s been wonderful to see so many positive responses to this π I too am happy for friends who have been waiting to tie the knot. Hopefuly the laws will stick!
I was pretty elated last month when Washington legalized gay marriage. Actually, there was a lot of crying thinking about people I know who were not allowed to marry before. Whoever my boys fall in love with, I just want them to be treated right and to respect each other.
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt comment! It’s been wonderful to see so many positive responses to this π I too am happy for friends who have been waiting to tie the knot. Hopefuly the laws will stick!
Great post Tara. This is something I actually think about a lot since I have two gay cousins and I see their dealings with my family. I am fortunate to be raising my children in San Francisco, CA, USA, which is very liberal and accepting. We have the largest gay pride parade each year, amongst other amazing initiatives for the LGBT community. I feel confident that my girls will have the support they need at home and hopefully at school regardless of the path the choose.
Great post Tara. This is something I actually think about a lot since I have two gay cousins and I see their dealings with my family. I am fortunate to be raising my children in San Francisco, CA, USA, which is very liberal and accepting. We have the largest gay pride parade each year, amongst other amazing initiatives for the LGBT community. I feel confident that my girls will have the support they need at home and hopefully at school regardless of the path the choose.
Great point, Angela….having support in the community as well as at home. I live in a rural area connected to a larger suburban area. When we moved, I was unsure how diversity would fare out here in the country. But the float in the photo with this article is from our small town’s parade, so there are definitely folks out here who also embrace diversity. It eased my mind a bit. Whether my sons are gay or not, I want them surrounded by tolerance. Thanks for your comments!
What a wise and wonderful thing to say, “…none of this is really about what I want. And thatβs the whole point. I love my sons, and they will have my support with what they want.” Even before our children mature to their sexual orientation, we all have to accept who are children are as a person. I recently read about a mother who guided her ten year old son through the process of officially becoming a girl. It was what her son wanted and it was so touching to see how unconditional her love, acceptance and support has been through some really tough times.
Thank you for your kind words about my post :-). And the story you referenced sounds fascinating. I’ll have to look it up. Best to you!
What a wise and wonderful thing to say, “…none of this is really about what I want. And thatβs the whole point. I love my sons, and they will have my support with what they want.” Even before our children mature to their sexual orientation, we all have to accept who are children are as a person. I recently read about a mother who guided her ten year old son through the process of officially becoming a girl. It was what her son wanted and it was so touching to see how unconditional her love, acceptance and support has been through some really tough times.
The Philippines is still a conservative country albeit the increasing number of gays and lesbians. Like in other countries, we get the discrimination from the state itself, especially because the second most powerful institution is the Church. However, many groups and individuals like myself are strong advocates of gays, lesbians and transgenders’ rights, for their recognition and for respect, which eventually transcends to the next generation–to our children.
You are so right – our efforts will carry on in the next generation. Thank you for sharing you experiences from the Phillippines!
I love this post. My Dad came out when I was 14 (and living a few towns away from where you are now). I responded with acceptance and love β but society was far less open at that time and I definitely felt the stigma. Your sentiments echo my own β and are beautifully expressed. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Shaula, and for your kind remarks! Much love to you and your family π