There is nothing like spending time with the older generation to make you appreciate the complexities, the wonders and the ironies of life.
For those of us who will be lucky enough to live to a ripe old age, life will come full circle. For those of us who have not yet reached the golden years, comes, instead, the challenges the circle of life present.
There is a good reason that we refer to life as coming full circle.
We are born helpless and totally dependent. Our basic needs are met by others. That is if we manage to even communicate what it is we want by crying, screaming or laughing. That is if we are lucky enough to have parents who are capable of taking care of us.
We want attention. We want to be loved by our family.
We grow and time passes. We learn to crawl and to walk and to talk. The terrible twos come along and with them we learn to start exerting our independence. We make friends, we start to learn, we learn to communicate. We start school, and we learn what it is to be a part of a group. We learn what it is to be a part of society. We learn to read and to write. We are inquisitive and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes we ask the same questions over and over again. Sometimes we say the same things over and over again.
We want attention. We want to be loved by our friends.
We struggle through adolescence and try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is in life. We vow never to be like our parents and to do what we love in life and what thrills us. We begin to internalize that what we give is what we get. Even so, we do find it hard to think of others before ourselves. We are egocentric, because as teens the world obviously revolves around us.
We want attention. We want to be loved by everyone.
We get an education, either formal or informal and we become part of the work force. We are busy, and we have no time, or so we tell ourselves, to do the things we want to do. To do the things that are important to us. If we are lucky, we find that one person who makes us whole. We fall in love, and we get married.
We want attention. We want to be loved by our spouse.
We have children and we raise them the best way we can. And like our parents before us, we make mistakes. Lots of them. We want to give them all the things we didn’t have, both emotional and physical. Sometimes in our quest to right all the wrongs we do wrong by our kids. Sometimes we find the balance.
We want attention. We want to be loved by our kids.
Our kids grow up, in what seems like no time at all, and we are once again left on our own. We start once again to think about the meaning of life and the purpose. Some of us go through mid-life crises and make major changes. Some prefer to leave the boat as it is, in known water, in calm water and with no waves. Yet, still staring out to the horizon and wondering what could have or still could be.
We want attention. We want to feel loved by anyone.
We age over the years, slowly at first. Gray hairs and minor aches and pains come first. It becomes harder to maintain the same weight, and the years take its toll. One day you look at the mirror and don’t recognize your reflection. Sometimes chronic disease takes hold, sometimes disease cuts life short. It’s harder to get your stiff body out of the bed in the morning and your step is missing a little bit of its bounce.
New technologies rapidly replace the old, and you find it hard to keep up. You find yourself asking your kids, and maybe even your grandkids, to explain or just help you out. And because you are still independent in everything else, asking for help in one area is not such a big deal.
Until slowly, you find yourself needing more and more help in more and more areas. And you find yourself resisting the loving help offered by those who know you best and love you most. Because you want to be independent. More importantly, you don’t want to be dependent. You don’t want to be a burden. You want to feel like you still have something to contribute to society. You want to feel useful.
And you want attention, but not like this. And you want to be loved, but not like this.
Because you are slowly being made to feel irrelevant. Not only isn’t your opinion sought after anymore, people are starting to tell you what to do. Like you are a child. So what if you memory isn’t what it used to be? Everyone forgets things now and then, don’t they?
The circle of life is starting to close.
Why are people telling you what to do? You, who have done so much over the years. You can still think. You can still do things for yourself. Sure, it takes you longer, but you can do it. And why won’t anyone let you? What are you supposed to do with your time if people keep doing things for you? And at the same time, you find yourself becoming more self-centered. Why don’t people have time for you?
You need your family’s attention, you need your family’s love. But you want it on your terms. You don’t want to be coddled like a child.
And that is the circle of life.
We start helpless, and as we age we gain independence. If we live long enough, life comes full circle, and we start to become dependent again. Slowly and insidiously at first. For those lucky to have their memory intact, returning to “childhood” as an old person is a difficult and heartbreaking process to go through.
And for those of us who are only halfway down the path of returning to their “childhood”, comes the challenge of how to care for the older generation in a respectful and helpful way. How do we balance the importance of independence with the importance of keeping someone safe.
How do we know when stepping in is the right thing?
How can you not be concerned when someone you love lights a stove to get the kitchen warm faster? When they leave the match they lit the stove with on a wooden counter, and it leaves a singe mark? When later in the day they insist they would never leave a stove lit without something coking on it?
Yet that same person can walk up three flights of stairs to their apartment faster than you can. They can still do their laundry and bake and cook.
But they are forgetful and frail, and you worry.
And you thank goodness that this one time the decision as to where and when to step in is not yours, because she is your grandmother and you live 6,000 miles away.
In the 3 1/2 years since you saw her last, time has taken its toll and the circle of life is beginning to close.
How do you keep someone safe, while making sure they still feel independent and relevant?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day, New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Wow – such a beautiful post that really made me think…
Thanks Asta.
It was especially poignant for me that this post came out today because I got a call this afternoon that one of my youngish patients passed away leaving behind an amazing and supportive family and 3 kids under the age of 13.
For some the circle of life is longer, for others shorter.
I’m glad I believe that our life is but a fraction of our “life”.
Hi Susie,
When I read this, I immediately thought that I want to print it out and share it with my older aunts and uncles. It is so true — it is like a life boomerang.
This is a really lovely piece, and I love the picture of your grandmother and the bread. I thought it was really symbolic because bread signifies life.
I hope your grandmother stays safe. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this post with us, Susie!
Jen 🙂
Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Susie. I will ponder them in my heart.
This post really struck me. You wrote it in such an amazing way. I live far away from my family, so as my parents age, everything is done long distance. Thus far, they are doing well, so we haven’t really had to address this too much. But my grandmother had to move out of her home and into an assisted living apartment a few years back. Luckily, she was on board and made the decision herself rather than being forced into it. I have another friend whose mother suffers from dementia, and her road has not been as easy, as her mom resists change and unfortunately does not always remember decisions made together later on.
Lots of love and health to you and your grandmother!
Thanks Jen.
It was not an easy piece to write. Even now at the young age of 41 I am starting to feel my body not being what it was-not to mention my memory.
Thanks. 🙂
Thanks Tara.
It really isn’t easy at all. And with the long distance you have to make the judgments constantly about what is important enough to get on a plane for and what not.
Hope our kids grow up with a greater awareness of letting their parents feel and stay relevant.
In the place that I come from, we had joint families earlier. So, even if people age they always had some activity to get involved into. There were many people to talk to and anyone would help them. They feel independent and taken care, both at the same time. But with nuclear families these days, no one wants to take care of their parents/ grand parents. I know people over 80 who live alone and THAT IS WRONG. We have failed as a civilization to have left out our parents/ grand-parents like that. Irrespective of the independence they might desire.
Frankly speaking, is it they who desire independence or WE?
Hi Raj,
I think that you have to be careful not to generalize too much and to take each case on its own. It has taken me many years and many hard learned lessons to reach the conclusion that there is not one single correct answer for everyone and every situation.
I also think that until you personally are in someone’s shoes, you will never truly understand how they feel.
In addition there are many cultural differences around the world be it because of country or religion. What seems right to you, may not be right to someone else with a completely different cultural orientation.
As always, any person is entitled to their own opinion as long as they are respectful of other people’s feelings and opinions as well.
In this case with my grandmother, she is the one who wants to continue to live in her own apartment. She spends every weekend with one of her children and grandchildren-by her choice. She does not want to move and you can’t expect another whole family to move in with her because A-there is no room and B-she doesn’t want anyone else (aside from my deceased grandfather and obviously that is not happening.)
And you know what-I think the world is starting to come full circle and is starting once again to realize the wisdom that our elders have and seek it out. I don’t think the future is as bleak as some of us think.