Inspired by Dr. Lanham’s post last week about preparing for a child to leave the nest, I got thinking about what my own identities are beyond just being a mom. Aware that we all go through metamorphoses, we grow, evolve and change identities many times in life, I wanted to make sure I was in touch with who I am because I know it’s more than “MOM!”
Before having kids, I spent most of my life trying to grow up. In my twenties, I got bitten by the bug and started traveling internationally, specifically, backpacking. One of the things I found most thrilling about traveling was the ability to “reinvent myself” at every new destination. I keenly remember trying hard to avoid labels; especially the label of being American. I even went so far, while traveling in the Middle East, as to sew a patch of the Canadian flag on my pack. I discovered a lot about myself that decade.
For one, I discovered that I really LIKED being an American. That the country I was born in is a terrific place, full of errors, idiosyncrasies, diversity and opportunities. I also discovered that there’s empowerment in being alone, that I don’t always need to be around people to feel good (though I often prefer it). I honed my survival skills, learned a lot about other countries and cultures over meals at bars and in transit. I also learned, when enough was enough, to come home.
My next identity was as a professional. I picked a city that felt like home (Boston) and tried on a few vocations that seemed to fit (mostly ones focused on connecting people to places and working within a team). I discovered that I liked working with people, being part of a team and having financial independence but also recognized that I hadn’t yet found my life-long ambition. When the time came, I opted out of (the traditional) work force.
For the past five years I’ve been a mom. It’s an identity I’ve struggled a lot with.
Though I love my own mother a great deal, she wasn’t around much when I was young. My parents divorced when I was seven, and my mom moved from the East Coast to California. My mother-in-law, though a dynamic and loving person, is a life-long career woman and entrepreneur. So, when I became a mother myself, I had lots of questions but few resources for the answers.
I loved the novelty of the first two years of motherhood, the developmental milestones and accomplishments of a first child. But some of that had worn off by the time our second child arrived. Let’s face it, motherhood can be a lonely ride. Without work colleagues or family nearby, I’ve been left to rely on my work-drained husband and vapid encounters with other parents—in playgroups, parenting circles, toddler classes and at the playground—for adult interaction. I am often left wanting.
For the last two years, now that my kids are 5 and 2, I’ve focused on getting back in touch with my own identity. With what I like to do, who I want to become, not just who I hope my kids might some day become.
I’ve discovered that I really, genuinely and passionately LOVE writing, even though it’s not a vocation particularly suited to extroverts. I love recognizing grammatical errors, trying to avoid passive voice (a constant struggle) trimming down flowery language. Deadlines! It helps me keep my vocabulary honed at a level above Kindergarten. It gives me an ambition and it connects me (often silently) to a whole other world. Like this world of mom bloggers for example. It also gives me a modicum of financial independence. Getting paid for freelance work helps me justify some minor frivolities (mainly for my kids) and to feel good about contributing something to our bottom-line.
So, if you like to write, get yourself out there! Try maintaining a company blog or submitting an article for print. Try combing LinkedIn or Face Book for contacts that might benefit from your writing services. Try doing it for pay!
I’ve also discovered that if I’m going to generate ideas, I better be prepared to help implement them. I’ve gotten involved on many pro bono levels with hiring committees, governing boards, activity coordinating and networking. I am at peace knowing that, when that day on the near horizon arrives, I’ll be ready to get back into the work force (beyond the freelance world) with a long and relevant list of experiences and activities to fill the gaps in my Curriculum Vitae.
If you want to stay current, to keep yourself marketable in the workforce, volunteer! Get involved with school boards, local organizations that you and your kids frequent. Apply your talents free of charge and build up experiences that you can apply in the professional world.
One thing I’ve been slow to discover is that having active kids isn’t enough to get me back in shape. It’s hard–between writing deadlines, kid activities, a business traveling spouse–to carve out time for myself but with a little creativity (and discipline) it IS possible. Next year, I turn 40. If I want to slow the clock, I better take action and fine tune my human machine. So I’ve started training for a sprint triathlon (800M swim, 15K bike ride and 5K run). It may not be remarkable but it’s a goal, it’s my goal and it’s obtainable.
In otherwords: Get back out there and get (back) in shape! Find time in the morning, before the kid(s) wake up, to take a jog or a swift walk. Swim. Go for a bike ride. Do sit ups before you get into bed at night. Your biggest foe is motivation, once you conquer that, you’ll find a new (or maybe the old) you.
And finally, I’m learning, as my kids get older and increasingly more fun and interactive, that it’s really easy to turn our children into our personal entertainment outlets. We conjure up fun outings and rely on our kids as companions. I revel in this fleeting time with my kids, but I also can see the downside of living life through them.
It’s important to hold on to our adult friends too; especially friends without kids or whose kids are older or younger than our own. Friends, like the relationships we have with our spouses, are life lines. Someday (soon) our kids will be grown and out of the nest, and we need to remember who and what we love beyond our children.
Thanks Jeanelle.
Are you still in touch with the person you were before you became a mom? Do you still have non-mom hobbies and passions? What self-preservation tools are you discovering along the way?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by mom of two, Kyla P’an. You can find more of Kyla’s (infrequent) musings about motherhood and life in general on her personal blog, Growing Muses. Or via past posts for World Moms Blog concerning circumcision, life’s balancing act, traveling with kids and being in transit.
Photo credit to Kilarin. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Kyla, This is a wonderful post. I wrote about earning from home through my writing a few weeks back. My self preservation is my writing.
Good luck with the sprint triathlon. Let us know later how it went 🙂
Alchemist, thank you for thinking so. I remember reading about the food blog you started writing for after you began writing with WMB. I felt so proud for you. And I’ll definitely take your best wishes with the triathlon, I’ll need all I can get. I’m sure you’ll hear about it here (or in some blog form) once I manage to complete it (next year; since I missed the cut off dates for the ones this fall)
The traveling!!!! I miss the traveling, too!! Also, I’ve always wanted to speak another language, but had given up after having my first daughter. Then, I was able to bring that “hobby” back into my life by making it a challenge to teach her French. I’ve learned a lot, but still have a ways to go to! But, it’s fun!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and tying it into Dr. Lanham’s post, Kyla. Something so important — we can’t lose ourselves! Great post!
Jen 🙂
Boy Jen, is there anything you *don’t* do? Isn’t your oldest also attending Chinese school. You are setting a high bar in the Raising Global Citizens arena!
That’s Jen…always has been and always will be! She’s amazing!
Oh, thanks, guys! I try my best. But, to be honest, I can’t say we do anything 100%, but I like to give everything a try!
My oldest is in Chinese school once a week for 2 hours during the normal school year and then we do French at home. But, like I said, our French is slipping…must get back on that horse!
Jen 🙂
This is a great post! For the first two years of my daughter’s life, I put so much of my own needs on hold. By the time she turned 3 I realized that I had lost myself, my passion for my career and just enriching my own life. I started taking responsibility back for taking care of myself, started a blog, am (slowly) getting my own business going. Ironically, amidst that, I became pregnant with twins and am now the mother of a 4 year old daughter and 10 week old identical twin boys. But I still have my goals in focus and am not going to let my own needs go again. It’s tough, but I’m a better mother for taking care of me too! Thanks for sharing.
Wow Jill, good for you! And congratulations on the twins. You will certainly have an Alpha female in your daughter, whom I’m sure will help keep those boys in check. I think we are ALL better mothers, wives, people for not allowing ourselves to come last.
After the birth of my first son, I took my year of maternity leave and when I went back to work, I lasted for about 3 months before deciding to quit and stay home with my baby. Being a stay-at-home mom worked well for me at that time. But after the birth of my second son, I lost myself completely. I suffered from post-partum depression that was a terrible, frightening thing, and I found that my life was completely centred around my kids, with no time for me to just be me. I was defined entirely in terms of my relationships with other people. In the end, I had to start working again. The primary reasons were financial, but once I was in the workforce, I started to emerge as an individual in my own right again. I find that this is still an ongoing process and it probably will be for some time.
Kirsten
Kirsten, I often grapple with the idea of returning to work too, especially after a period of extreme financial belt tightening and realizing that perhaps more of those house projects we always want to do could actually get done (by a hired professional) if I could contribute more financially to our bottom line. I also miss having co-workers (even ones I don’t particularly like). But I know I have time for this again in the future. Our house may not be improving in our minds but it’s certainly not falling apart (and when something in it does, we always find a way to fix/replace it).
When I do go back to work, I know I’ll miss sitting by an open window in the midst of a New England summer day, listening to cicadas, watching birds fly by and waiting for my youngest to get up from his nap (like right now) but conversely, I’ll gain a greater sense of tangible value and professional feedback from colleagues and superiors. I know that time is near at hand. Thanks for reminding me it’s a plus and not a minus.
We definitely still have our “pre-children” hobbies. Little by little, we have been able to do more and more with them and it is fantastic! I love sharing new experiences with my kids. We’ve taken them camping, kayaking, biking, swimming, etc. We took them snorkeling this year, which was something we have really been excited to introduce them to. We love doing that together and the kids are into it. My husband is a musician and our kids have always crawled on stage with him while he was playing. We love art and I have taken them to art museums, galleries and they helped me with one of my shows. We take them to the beach. They have always been around the ocean and have a love of the water, like we do. It is wonderful!! We used to take them to jazz in the park and any other music shows or festivalsl that they could go to.
We also do their stuff together. My son plays soccer (futbol) and my daughter dances. We go to their practices and games/shows. My husband can’t do everything because he works, but if he isn’t working or if he can rearrange his schedule, he will be there.
I am very happy with how we have worked this out. It wasn’t something that was forced and it wasn’t given much deliberate thought. I am just realizing as I write, just how we have kept ourselves, even with kids. We just always brought our kids with us to places and couldn’t imagine our lives without the things we love, so it wasn’t a question. Now don’t get me wrong, when I first had my babies, I definitely gave up doing things. There just wasn’t time and I don’t have family around to watch my kids. Maybe that was why we included this stuff with our kids as soon as we could. We had no other choice. Hmmmm…never thought of that until now.
Anyway, I am very glad that it worked out like this and that I have a husband who has
eased into things the way that I have.
One thing I do miss, is going out to see some music with my husband and having some drinks with friends. We have done that a few times/since having kids, but we used to go several nights a week before having kids. Usually I stay home with the kids because I am definitely not bringing them to a bar/pub for a night out, but also I don’t have anyone to watch them. My husband goes out a little more and I am fine with it. I would rather be home with my kids most of the time.
Geez…I know I rambled, but I don’t even know if I answered your question! Oh me….
Kyla, first I am honored that my post inspired you!
We moms (WoMen) MUST support and encourage one another often. It’s looks like you are really getting back into your own and I feel like a proud sister!
Congrats on your Sprint Run/Bike Ride! I’m turning 40 next year too and I’m excited! It’s our time and again so glad my post touted you!
Hugs!
We are all constantly evolving aren’t we? So true.