Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling pain with the mistaken belief that you can’t bear the pain. But, you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyondthe pain. (St. Bartholomew)
This is the essence of renewal: discovering all that you are (or can become) after the pain crystallizes in your mind. Decisions on how you want to live your life going forward. What is truly important?
Going forward. How does one move forward when faced with tragedy? It’s a difficult road to navigate, to be sure. I have borne the pain of losing not one, but two of my sons. I am struggling with what’s beyond the pain.
Creating art was at the core of my being when I lost my first son. I dealt with the pain by giving up my art.
Sometimes we are not logical when it comes to grief and loss. I punished myself. How could I continue with my art when my baby was gone?
It’s taken the loss of David to realize I have yet to navigate past the grief. Like child-birth, the pain of loss is mine and mine alone.
Working my way through the past six months has been like walking through a thick fog.
A fog so thick that even though I know my hand is attached to my arm – I can’t see it when I wiggle my fingers in front of my face.
A fog so thick I can’t hear those around me, just the muffled waa waaa waa waaa of far away voices.
I am alone in this world of grief, even when I am in the company of those who share it.
I have been shying away from writing about my grief. It’s my last connection to the child I no longer hold. Like my art, I all but gave up my writing. I had now lost not one, but two of my children, how could I continue with my writing?
I somehow didn’t deserve to do something I enjoyed so much. I didn’t deserve to feel life beyond the pain of loss.
This pain is something to hold on to, a reason not to move forward. Grief has become a reason to stagnate, to remain idle while those around me move forward.
I don’t want to remain idle any longer.
Of course, the pain of losing a child is not something you can turn off. It’s something you work through. You talk about it, you write about it.
You share it. I give a piece of my pain to each of you to carry for me, in the hopes that I can move forward.
I need to move forward.
I need to feel life beyond the pain. I know the pain will never completely leave me, there will always be moments that bring me to my knees.
Those are the moments I need to write about, to share. Moments when you run into another mom around town and she asks where the baby is. Moments when you have to talk about how your baby died. Moments when there are anniversaries to mark and birthdays to remember.
Going forward is not going to be easy, but I’m ready.
I can’t wait to discover the me that’s been waiting to get out.
How do you deal with emotional pain? Do you run from it? Ignore it? Succumb to it? Do you think grief can be the catalyst for positive change in a person’s life?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Amy Hillis. Amy has been on hiatus since the passing of her youngest son in January. She is can be found on her personal blog, Transplanted Thoughts, Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit to the author.