It’s How You Live Your Years That Matters

It’s How You Live Your Years That Matters

locked heart

Had she not been a patient of mine and had my eye not been trained to see the telltale insults that cancer leaves on a body, I never would have known that her life was anything but perfect.

There are people like that in the world. People who smile through the worst. People who bring light to others and who know how to appreciate every moment with a vitality most of us lack.

She was one of the special ones. A special person and a patient with whom I connected on a deeper level. I was there to help guide her, but she was there to teach me about gratitude, optimism, tenacity, acceptance, love, courage and happiness.

She was an inspiration and a joy to be around. How I hoped she would be one of the few to beat the odds of metastatic breast cancer. And it looked like she might because she never stopped planning for the future or living her life in the present.

Unlike other patients and friends of hers who closed off the world or shut down when things took a turn for the worse, she never lost her huge infectious smile, energy, positive attitude or sparkle in her eyes.

Except for the last few days, and even then there was no self pity, just strength and determination. She was dying, in pain and in and out of consciousness but still fighting to hold on until her last wishes were fulfilled. She wanted her 8 year old daughter to come and say goodbye to her so her daughter would have some closure and she wanted her month old son, born to a surrogate mother, to be circumcised in Jewish tradition.

And she fought with her body to hold on. She saw her daughter for the last time and as soon as her son was circumcised later that same day, she took her last breath and our world was left a little dimmer as the light and joy that was her was released from her pain.

My only comfort is that she left behind an amazing family. A husband no less special than she, a daughter, a son, a mother, 2 sisters and a brother who all loved her deeply and will make sure that her special light and her precious gifts are not forgotten.

Every person who had the privilege of knowing her will never forget her, because although her years on this earth were short, she lived them to the fullest in a way many of us will never succeed in doing.

In these heartbreaking days in Israel, as we suffer our own private losses as well as national losses we choose to make our own, I think about my patient and the 29 young Israeli soldiers who died in the prime of their lives while fighting terrorists. Their deaths are more than just a grave loss. I think that their deaths are meant to be a “living” reminder for me. A reminder that it’s not how long you live, but rather how you live those years that you are given.

May all the families who are mourning the unfathomable loss of their loved ones somehow find the strength to continue to live life in the way they did.

And now I’m asking you all, how well are you living your years?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our contributor, Susie Newday in Israel. You can find her on her blog New Day New Lesson.

Photo credit to author.

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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SOCIAL GOOD: No mother should have to go through this

SOCIAL GOOD: No mother should have to go through this

MIT_Mad square parkRSLast year, on a whim, I decided to join the NYC chapter of Moms in Training.  I came across it at a time when I was looking for somewhere to volunteer. This was a no-brainer…. get some exercise, meet new moms, help cancer patients and be a good role model for my children.  Perfect!
This was before Moms in Training went national with 30 cities across the US and Canada.  This was before there was a Moms in Training Leadership Committee, which is made up 100% of moms who thought so much about the program that they decided to volunteer whatever spare time they had to this great organization.  This was before I met Lucy, Alex’s mom who writes about her journey on Alex Fights Leukemia.
Alex was 15 months when she was diagnosed with leukemia and has been such a brave little girl.  She hasn’t known life in any other way than in and out of hospitals.  Alex has become our local heroine, and my first race was dedicated to her recovery.  She still has a way to go, but last time I saw Lucy she gave me the great news that Alex has the green light to start attending mommy and me classes, and interacting with other children.
Imagine not being able to take your child to the supermarket, or a playground for fear of germs.  Imagine sitting by your baby’s bedside in the hospital for days and weeks at a time, over and over again.  Imagine holding your baby in your arms while she receives anesthesia, and walking your sleeping infant into the operating room for yet another surgery. No mother should ever have to go through this.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) was one of the first organizations to invest in Dr. Carl June’s research when everyone else deemed his research to be too risky and unconventional. Treating leukemia patients with a strand of HIV virus? The results are astonishing. LLS has invested $30 million in Dr. June’s research since 1990 and continues to invest in cut-throat ground breaking research like his (I highly recommend you watch this video to find out what he’s done – it’s amazing!).
The survival rate for childhood leukemia in 1949, was zero, while today it is 90 percent.  To date, Moms in Training have raised over $500,000, 95% of which goes straight to the cause, either towards helping patients or medical research.  Most of LLS’s medical findings are tested and eventually rolled out to fight other types of cancers as well.  I have been so overly impressed by the organization, I can’t even put it into words.
Now I am about to embark onto my third season with Moms in Training.  I have met new neighbors, made friends, and lost some of my baby weight (I still have a bit to go – but it’s getting better every day :)!)  I ran 2 races already, which I never would have thought possible a year ago.  I have joined the leadership committee and am trying to recruit new moms to join our growing little family, because no mother should watch her child suffer.

Would you like to learn more about LLS?  Are you interested in finding out if there is a Moms In Training team in your area, or maybe even starting your own team?  Do you live in NYC and would you like to join our team? Go to  or you can ask me directly in the comments!  Would you like to support me in my next race (coming up in June)?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Maman Aya.

Photo credit to the author.

Maman Aya (USA)

Maman Aya is a full-time working mother of 2 beautiful children, a son who is 6 and a daughter who is two. She is raising her children in the high-pressure city of New York within a bilingual and multi-religious home. Aya was born in Canada to a French mother who then swiftly whisked her away to NYC, where she grew up and spent most of her life. She was raised following Jewish traditions and married an Irish Catholic American who doesn’t speak any other language (which did not go over too well with her mother), but who is learning French through his children. Aya enjoys her job but feels “mommy guilt” while at work. She is lucky to have the flexibility to work from home on Thursdays and recently decided to change her schedule to have “mommy Fridays”, but still feels torn about her time away from her babies. Maman Aya is not a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but has been drawn in by the mothers who write for World Moms Blog. She looks forward to joining the team and trying her hand at writing!

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IN MEMORIAM: Neta of Israel

IN MEMORIAM: Neta of Israel

It is with great sadness that we announce the death of a fellow World Mom, Neta.  Neta, who was a good friend of our contributor, Susie Newday in Israel, lost her fight today with metatastic breast cancer.  Our thoughts and sincere condolences from around the world are with her family and friends today.

Neta volunteered an interview about her life of living with metatastic breast cancer on World Moms Blog with the hopes of encouraging more mothers to get tested.

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

 

Goodbye, Neta.  Thank you so much for letting us get to know you and for sharing what you knew with all of us. For that, we are forever grateful.

Neta’s 4 part interview of what it was like to live with metatastic breast cancer: Part IPart IIPart III and Part IV.

— The World Moms Blog Community

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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IN MEMORIAM: Neta of Israel

ISRAEL: Part IV of IV: Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

This is part two of our contributor and oncology nurse, Susie Newday’s, moving and in depth interview on breast cancer with her good  friend. Grab a cup of something warm, and come be a fly on the wall with us, as two friends discuss living with metastatic breast cancer. There is something for us all to learn.

(To catch up, click here to read Part I, click here to read Part II, click here to read Part III.)

 

Susie: What has changed now after your husband has also been diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer?

 

Neta: When two parents are sick it’s something completely different. In the past when I used to feel unwell or weak, I could allow myself to go to bed because I knew he was around. In the evenings he would be with the kids and I didn’t have to be there. They saw me at lunchtime when I gave them lunch, they saw me in the afternoon and it was no big deal for my husband to make the kids dinner and be there with them. Now there isn’t that option. He goes to work. He’s also exhausted in the evenings and he climbs into bed. In the beginning he had more energy but for the past few months he’s been exhausted when he gets home from work. I don’t have back-up anymore. It’s very hard without backup because you can’t allow yourself to be tired for even one day. I have to function at a different level than what I had been functioning at before.

 

S: Did you tell your children when you were diagnosed?

 

N: Yes. All three times; when I was first diagnosed, when I had the recurrence and when my husband was diagnosed. We consulted with a psychologist about how to tell the kids. We told them the truth. We told the boys and girls separately because there is an age difference between them.  I don’t remember the first conversation being very traumatic. The kids were also younger. They didn’t really understand. They were surprised and it was the first time they had heard the word cancer. We told them that mommy has breast cancer and it’s not so bad, a lot of people get better. I told them that I’m going to get treatment and I have the best doctors who are going to help me recover. There is going to be a period of time that I am going to get strong treatment so the cancer will die. I don’t remember any tough reactions or trauma.

When the cancer came back it was a little tougher because the kids were already older. My two older children cried. I didn’t tell them it was terminal. I was told not to say that because no one knows how much time I have so not to limit it by time. I told them that the cancer was back and that this time it was in my bones as well and that the doctors had found the reason for my back pain. I told them I was going to go for treatments now so that I can cope with the cancer. Again I told them that I had good doctors and that I was in good hands.

When my husband got sick less than a year ago, telling the kids was traumatic. When we told our older daughters the younger one sat there and cried. My older daughter was angry and yelled What??? It’s not fair!! You’re sick already. Now daddy? She cried and yelled at the same time. It was a very tough conversation. She already understood as this was the third conversation she had gone through. I started to cry when she started screaming “it’s not fair”. My husband spoke, my younger daughter and I cried silently and my older daughter cried and screamed. The conversation with the younger boys was easier, they didn’t really understand as much. They know that daddy has cancer in his belly and mommy has cancer in her bones

I worry a lot about the kids because obviously it’s very hard on them. My oldest is very angry with God. She’s not willing to pray anymore. I understand her anger. I’m angry too. How can this happen to both parents? With my second daughter I see more sadness.

We haven’t really had any more outright conversations about our illnesses with our kids. There is the day to day coping like if I’m not feeling well then my husband will put the kids to sleep. Or visa versa. So the kids know when we’re not feeling okay. The other day my youngest who is 6 1/2 asked me how much longer are you guys going to be sick? When are you going to be healthy again? I explained to him that it is a very tough disease and it takes a very very very long time to get better. I can’t explain to him that you don’t get well.

 

S: Physically, how do you manage? With yourself, with the house, the kids.

 

N: It’s not easy. In areas that I feel are less meaningful and more technical,  we have help. We have someone who cooks and someone who cleans. We had someone to fold laundry and we will probably use her again. We used to have a babysitter in the afternoons. Now we have the kids in afternoon programs. In the areas I can release and get help, I have done so. There are certain things I’m trying to keep as is,  like having everyone sit down for dinner together. I try to make sure that there is always food in the house. It comforts me to know that there is food in the house and there is what to eat.

It’s a pity to waste energy on things that are not meaningful. I save the energy for things that make me feel good, like if the kids want to go shopping, even though it’s already tough for me to walk a lot.

 

S: What has been the one most difficult or scary thing that you have gone through since you were first diagnosed with cancer?

 

N: When I lost my eyesight. Not being able to see was really scary. You lose your connection to the world. I was also very confused. It was a real trauma. After my eyesight came back I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I was afraid that maybe when I woke up in the morning I wouldn’t be able to see again. In general, the scariest thing is losing your abilities. Suddenly, I won’t be able to see. Suddenly, I won’t be able to walk. Basically, it’s about losing your independence. It’s very important to me to be independent. I’m very afraid of becoming dependent. Losing my eyesight meant losing my independence. I needed people to be with me, to go everywhere with me. It was a complete lack of control. Seeing is such an important sense and suddenly you lose it. You only hear and you lose your ability to do things. For me the fear of losing my independence was the worst. If you ask my husband, for him the fear of me being confused was worse. He was able to imagine being with someone who couldn’t see. He didn’t know how he could manage with someone who was confused. I remember the blindness as traumatic, my husband remembers my confusion as the traumatic part.

 

S: A lot of people want to support friends or family who have cancer but we often say or do the wrong things. Do you have any advice about what we should or shouldn’t do?

 

N: There is a lot of good will and a lot of people want to help but you have to remember to respect the person and the household. Like in the beginning, friends wanted to come and fold laundry for me but I didn’t want anyone to. That was something I could handle on my own. Also when people were cooking for me in the beginning, there was a constant stream of people coming in and out of the house bringing food. You feel like you have no control over what is going on in your house.

It was very important for us to return the sense of control over our household to ourselves, to conserve the sense of independence of our family. Our good friends who were a constant presence in our house beforehand did stay a constant and that was fine. Those friends also knew to ask beforehand. I told friends and family when it was okay to visit.

 

S: Sometimes, we say no because we don’t want to trouble other people and when someone insists on doing something anyway, sometimes in the end it is a big help and appreciated.

 

N: It is possible. Like the few times we’ve had company over in the past year and they wanted to wash dishes and out of manners I told them no but they did it anyways, it was appreciated.

 

S: Is there anything someone said to you that really bothered you?

 

N: It really annoyed be when people told me “Be Strong”. What? Like I wasn’t working on that enough? Another sentence was ” I’m sure it will pass.” What exactly will pass? Where is it going to pass to?  I am sure there were other things but I don’t remember anymore.

 

S: Were there people who found it hard to talk to you afterwards?

 

N: I don’t think so. People tell me that because I’m so open and speak so freely that it wasn’t so hard to talk to me. There were some people who told me they were afraid to talk to me at first but when they did speak to me the conversation flowed. I talk to people about what is going on. I don’t hide it.

 

S: It must be quite a financial burden to have all the help with the cooking and cleaning and other things.

 

N: It is. I’m not working anymore and I get a small government stipend. My husband is still working which is lucky. If he has to stop working, the financial side would be very tough.

 

S: So what things would you suggest that people do if they want to help?

 

N: Always ask. What is right for me might not be right for someone else. First ask if they want the help. Like with food, say “I really want to make something for you guys, can I?” If you got a yes, then offer a choice of what to bring so the person can pick something that is right for their family. Make sure to ask first because maybe they really don’t want anything. To bring forcefully is also not good because it infringes on their domain. It also obviously depends on how close you are to the person. To bring without asking doesn’t seem to be respectful of the home.

 

S: Any tips about cancer in general?

 

N: Go get checked! Every woman needs to be checked even if there’s no family history that you know about. Just go get checked. I really don’t know why they don’t start the screening from a younger age. I was diagnosed at age 38. If they would have done routine scanning from an earlier age they would have caught my cancer sooner and I would be in a very different position right now. I found it on my own and I found it too late. The difference between early diagnosis and later diagnosis is huge. After I was diagnosed, all my friends went to get checked.

 

You have to gather strength. We don’t know what life holds for us. Who ever imagined that I would have breast cancer and bone metastases? If you would have asked me six years ago, that wasn’t even an option. I didn’t even think of it. When we get sick, it will always catch us by surprise. We’re never ready to be sick. Even if we know there is a possibility, we are never truly ready. When it happens you have to rally a lot of strength and understand that we can’t control our lives and we just have to do our best. That’s what I try to do. I’m fighting the best I can. I can’t do more than that. Ever new day I try to find the energy to fight and I say to myself I’m fighting this. When you succeed in having a good day, it gives you a lot of strength to continue on. If you don’t do that you can sink emotionally and that can’t possibly be healthy. I think that the reason I am not sinking into depression is because I’m invested in doing.

Sometimes it’s better not to think too much and to just be busy. When I had time to think it was really not good for me.

 

S: What is your wish for world moms?

N: I wish for either a way to catch cancer early or for better drugs to fight it and cure it or at the minimum turn it into a chronic disease that you don’t die from. Breast cancer rates are way too high.

 

I wish for mothers around the world to enjoy every minute of their parenting because we never know when it will end. I was sure that I would raise my children and live to see my grandkids grow as well. Today, I am not sure I will even see my kids grow up.

 

We never know when we will leave this world. Don’t push things off. Don’t say when I retire I will do this or that. Parenting is a very precious gift that has no replacement and we don’t know how long we will be parents or grandparents for. Take advantage of now and don’t push things off. We went on a family trip overseas a while back and I am so happy we did. It was a great experience. It was better than having a new kitchen done, buying a new car or having the garden done.

The experience of motherhood, parenthood, of family is the most precious experience in the world, so invest in that and less in material things.

 

It took a lot of openness and strength on Neta’s part to do this interview series. I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to share her story so that other people might benefit from it.

As far as helping people who are going through any difficult time, be it medical or emotional, I think this article about the “comfort in, dump out” theory is a must read.

 

Cancer can happen to everyone. Listen to your body, treat it well and educate yourself about cancer symptoms. Learn not just about breast cancer symptoms (which are varied) but also the symptoms of ovarian cancerGI cancerlung cancerpancreatic cancer and all the other cancers out there. Ask your parents about your family medical history. Do the recommended screening tests that are available to you because early detection of any cancer makes a hell of a difference.

 

Most of all enjoy every minute of your life because there are people out there who are dying for more time.

 

Who hasn’t yet gotten screened and is now going to get themselves checked?

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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IN MEMORIAM: Neta of Israel

ISRAEL: Part III of IV: Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastatic breast cancer.

This is part three of our contributor and cancer nurse, Susie Newday’s, moving and in-depth interview on breast cancer with her close friend. Grab a cup of something warm, and come be a fly on the wall with us, as two friends discuss living with metastatic breast cancer. There is something for us all to learn. (Click to catch up and read Part I and Part II.)

Susie: Your diagnosis changed your life. How did it change your life in practical terms?

Neta: When I was first diagnosed, it almost didn’t change my life at all. I had very few side effects from the treatment, and I continued to work. It was a total of nine months with surgery in the middle of those months. I had chemo, surgery and radiation. I started the treatments from a place of strength. I think that, strengthwise, I’m a strong person. I was almost never sick. I had a body image of a healthy, strong person.

I was always athletic and strong. I never felt weak. And suddenly you change from the healthiest person in your mind to the sickest person, who is getting chemo that weakens you. And you get shots and blood and everything else that’s involved. I continued to work during that whole period.

The principal in my school said to me that she had never seen anything like this, someone going through such strong chemo who continues to function like this.

I would miss work for the day of treatment and the day after, and then I would work the next two weeks until the next treatment. Also during the six weeks of radiation, I would do it after work in the afternoon. The work kept me going.  I would be very tired in the evening, but I continued to function more or less like normal. I worked a few less hours at work and managed to keep the house running more or less like normal. I did go to bed very early about 8 pm.

The only trauma was the hair loss. The kids took it very hard. They were very embarrassed for me to go around bald. All the kids, even the young ones, wanted me to wear some type of head covering. I had a wig.

I went to work with a wig, and whoever didn’t know about the cancer, didn’t realize. I was diagnosed over summer vacation, and I came back to work in September with a wig already. I didn’t hide it, but it took some people time to find out.

So, during the first bout of cancer I had a lot of energy, and I was lucky to have very few side effects.

S: Did you have nausea during your pregnancies? There seems to be a correlation between people who have nausea during pregnancy and nausea during chemo.

N: No I didn’t, and my doctor also said there is a correlation. I had very little nausea, if at all. As far as other side effects, I hated wearing the wig. It really itched me and was uncomfortable. The minute I was able to, I took it off and wore a head scarf.

S: Your trauma about the hair loss was because your kids took it hard, or was it something you yourself took hard?

N: It was also because of the kids and also because you don’t want anyone to know you are sick. I didn’t like the way I looked when I looked in the mirror, but I understood that it was something temporary, that it would grow back.

It was very hard for the kids. They didn’t want their friends to see me without a head covering. At home I didn’t wear a wig only a head scarf.

I only wore the wig to work and to special events. I think if it wasn’t for the kids asking me not to go without a head covering, I probably would have gone without anything.

S: When the cancer came back, how did you feel?

N: It was very hard. When it came back there were already metastases all over my bones. I had really bad back pain. I received radiation to my neck, but it didn’t help right away. It took time. In the beginning I had to wear a neck brace; initially, only for car rides; but then I had to wear it all the time. I was in terrible pain. For a few months I spent almost all day in bed, I couldn’t move. I could barely get up to go to the bathroom. It took a long time until I found the right pain medication regimen. So yes, things were different. I was in bed and everyone came to me.

S: How did you cope with such bad pain?

N: I remember I was in shock from the pain. I don’t know if I’m someone who doesn’t do the self-pity thing, but I do pity myself sometimes. The pain was so bad sometimes that I physically couldn’t do things, but I don’t remember having a feeling of being depressed.

Once again I summoned the energy. I had no choice. In my way of thinking, I had no choice. I have four children, and I can’t give up or take a time out from this world.

S: You did and do have a choice. You choose.

N: In my mindset, I have no choice. I have to cope, and I have for what to cope. I had to be strong because I have children and they need me, so I cope. My choice is to be here.

S: There is a lot of strength in knowing that you choose and that you are in the driver’s seat.

N: Even if it is a choice, it’s an automatic choice for me. I don’t stop to think, what am I going to do now?

S: That’s your mindset because your family and your kids are important to you.

N: I know that when some mothers are sick, thinking about the children and what will be with them can be depressing. For me, thinking about my children gives me a lot of strength because I want to be there for them. I want them to see that I can cope and that I can be there with them. Even when I was in bed all the time, the kids came to lay in bed next to me, and I read them books.

The kids are very important to me and they give me a lot of strength. They are what gives me the most strength. I love a lot of people in this world, friends and parents and family, but no one comes close to my kids in regards to their meaning in my life, in regards to my love for them, in regards to my commitment to them. The kids are just different. I choose to be there for them because I want what is best for them.

Because they give me so much strength, even when I was stuck lying in bed and not moving, I didn’t sink into a depression. I knew I had to fight. Maybe I am just a doing, practical type of person. I say to myself, this is what I have  to do now, and these are my priorities and that’s what I do. I do think about things. I do understand the significance. I choose my priorities and what’s most important, what’s worth fighting for and what I will invest my energy in. What’s less important will wait.

That’s something that has guided me this whole period. The strength is finding the things that give you strength, to understand what they are, to stick with them. If for me what’s important is that my children have a normal childhood without major traumas (as much as I am able to control), if that’s what’s close to my heart, I will fight for it. If it means that in order for that to happen that I have to do something like asking for help even if asking for help is not easy for me, I will do it.

I remember in the beginning how hard it was for me to ask for help. You find yourself in a place of weakness and no one wants to feel weak, and pathetic and in need of help. It’s a lot easier to be the one giving help. Once upon a time I didn’t understand how hard it is to ask for and receive help. Healthy people generally don’t ask for help. I have been helped so much that I feel like I want to give back to people what I can. If I hear someone needs something that I can help with, I try to help.

Even though receiving help is hard, when the other choice is not receiving the help and having my children hurt by that I take the help because I need my children to have the most normal life that they can. What keeps me going is trying to figure out how to create the most normal surroundings for my children. I’ve done everything I can to make things easier on my children. My community is amazing. We’ve had unbelievable generous help from our friends and community, and I’m not sure that is something that can be found everywhere. People cooked for us for months, and even now if I need help taking the kids anywhere or to run errands they help me. Now that my husband is sick as well, when he doesn’t feel well we need more help as well because all of a sudden everything falls on me.

S: Have you thought about hiring someone to help you?

N: I have thought about it. We had someone for a while but it’s not easy bringing someone else into the home. I have been trying to refrain from that. If I see that I have no choice, that’s what I’ll do.

S: Do you find that it’s taking a physical toll on you doing it all by yourself?

N: I’m tired all the time but that’s not something new. Actually when I know that I have to rise to the challenge for a few days, I surprise myself and have found the strength. I’m tired but I manage and I feel good that I was able to manage. It also keeps the stability of the dynamics in the house. I choose to function. I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible. It doesn’t do good when people are coming in and out all the time. It hurts the household routine.

If I need to bring in help I will. The kids also understand that if I bring someone in to help that means that my husband and I are not functioning anymore and it stresses them out. They ask “What? You can’t do it by yourself?”

Tune in soon for Part IV of this IV part “World Mom to World Mom” series on living with metastatic breast cancer.

Cancer can happen to everyone. Listen to your body, treat it well and educate yourself about cancer symptoms. Learn not just about breast cancer symptoms (which are varied) but also the symptoms of ovarian cancerGI cancerlung cancerpancreatic cancer and all the other cancers out there. Ask your parents about your family medical history. Do the recommended screening tests that are available to you because early detection of any cancer makes a hell of a difference.

Most of all enjoy every minute of your life because there are people out there who are dying for more time.

(For the full series: click here to read Part Iclick here to read Part IIclick here to read Part III and click here to read Part IV.)

This is an original post by World Moms Blog Africa & Middle East Regional Editor, Susie Newday in Israel. 

Photo credit to the author. 

 

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

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IN MEMORIAM: Neta of Israel

ISRAEL: Part II of IV: Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.

This is part two of our contributor and cancer nurse, Susie Newday’s, moving and in depth interview on breast cancer with her close friend. Grab a cup of something warm, and come be a fly on the wall with us, as two friends discuss living with metastatic breast cancer. There is something for us all to learn. (Click to catch up and read Part I, first.)

Susie: You know what I remember? I remember before I worked in oncology, when you were diagnosed for the first time. You were waiting for your scan results to see whether there was any metastases and you said to me, “If I have metastasis, my life is over.” When you were diagnosed with the recurrence was that the same feeling you had?

Neta: Yes, that was my feeling. I said to myself, I’m screwed. With metastasis you don’t recover. You get another year or two.

S: Or maybe longer.

N: I have to say that I have a hard time believing that. I don’t really see that in the cards.

S: I wish you many more years.

N: I wish. And I thank you very much, and I hope I do. I’m not saying I want to die, I don’t. I’ll be happy to be surprised for the good but the feeling is that this is the end.

S: You walk around with the feeling everyday?

N: Now it’s less. Since I lived through the setback I had with the bleeding in my brain, and everyone told me that I’m a medical miracle, I now say to myself that maybe there are miracles out there.

I am more open to the possibility that maybe there will be a miracle here, something I refused to believe beforehand when my cancer recurred.

S: Tell me what happened with your setback and the hospitalization.

N: When I was rediagnosed, I was receiving Aredia to strengthen my bones and a biological treatment that was part of a clinical trial. I went back to work. About two or three months after that I began having severe weakness. My hemoglobin kept going down and they decided to hospitalize me. My oncologist told me that the cancer has reached my bone marrow. I was hospitalized in the regular medical ward for a week and a half until space opened up in the oncology ward and then they moved me. I received blood transfusions and chemotherapy.

A day or two after I was moved, I started having confusion, and then I couldn’t see. For about 5 days I had what seemed like a gray veil over my eyes. I don’t remember much but they told me I was really confused, and they had to appoint a legal guardian to make my medical decisions. To do that I needed an interview with the psychiatrist. He asked me a lot of questions which I don’t remember,

but I do remember that he asked me how old my children were and I couldn’t tell him. I knew their names but not their ages.

My husband brought the kids to visit me, but afterwards he told me that it was a difficult decision whether or not to bring them because I couldn’t see, and they didn’t want the kids to get scared. He had consulted with the psychologist who said to bring them because it’s better for them to see their mother even if she is confused and doesn’t see than not to see her.

It was 5 very difficult days. They ran all kinds of tests from eye tests to an MRI. I remember being very afraid before the MRI. I remember them saying it’s a very important test to see what’s going on. Inside the machine everything was rotating, and there was a horrible noise. I remember it being very traumatic, also the MRI test itself and also the fact that I knew it was a very important test, and I didn’t know what they were looking for. After the fact, I now know they were looking for metastases in the brain. They didn’t find any, it was only a brain bleed, and then they said the situation is better than they thought.

I don’t remember everything from those days. I remember people coming to visit. I recognized the people who came.

Later on, I found out that my husband already prepared the older girls a bit to expect the worse. They said psalms, and no one really thought I was going to recover because my medical state was not good. Then on the fifth day I woke up in the morning, my mother came into the room, and I was able to see her.

The doctors came, and they did tests. My eyesight came back, but slowly. Even now I can see perfectly from far but my vision from close is still impaired and interferes with reading. But at least I see the world, I see things. I don’t need help walking.

Since that incident I say to myself maybe there is some kind of miracle going on here, maybe there is some kind of divine intervention. In the hospital everyone was saying they had never seen someone recuperate like I did with their eyesight returning. Maybe it had something to do with my willpower. After my husband was diagnosed, I realized why it was that I pulled through, why I’m still here. I’m here to organize things and take care of my family. It is much harder when both parents are ill. I couldn’t “go” and leave my husband here alone to also fight his disease and raise the children because it is impossible to do. Apparently someone up above realized that I’m still needed here. That’s the answer I give myself. No one has said that to me, I just feel it. No one has answers but after my husband was diagnosed with cancer I just understood why I am still here.

S: When was your husband diagnosed?

N: January 2013. He was admitted with a bowel obstruction and then was diagnosed with Metastatic Colon Cancer. He was diagnosed about 2-3 months after my prolonged hospitalization, and I hadn’t really recuperated yet. I had slowly been getting better. I would be hospitalized for a week or so and then released and then hospitalized again for a week. It was a big shock having another person in the family sick. When he wasn’t feeling well and needed to go to the Emergency Room I still wasn’t feeling great and I couldn’t drive. His brother came and picked him up.

S: What was going through your head when your husband was diagnosed?

N: That someone up above is crazy. It’s not just that I’m sick, and now he’s sick. It’s the fact that both of us are in a situation where the doctors are not optimistic. It’s not a situation where you can say to yourself that I will definitely beat this. It could be 1, 2 or 3 years. No one has any idea how long you have for sure. I said to myself and to God, why him? * He is such a good person. For sure he hasn’t sinned. Maybe I sinned unwittingly but him? With my husband it seemed like a different level, it was like he doesn’t deserve this. He is such a good person.

S: And you deserve it?

N: No. But HE is really a good person. He’s a better person than me. He has a good heart, he doesn’t hurt people. * I just couldn’t reconcile how it was possible that he could be sick because he didn’t deserve it because he is such a good person. You start saying to yourself that God went crazy. Is there no justice in the world? Two young parents with 4 children are both now sick. Something went wrong. Either God is putting us through some great trial or I don’t know what. It’s not fair. I felt very strongly that it was just not fair that he was sick too, it was enough that I was sick.

*(I went to get some tissues at this point for her, which were easy to find because as she said there are lots of tissues in her house.)

S: I think that women and especially mothers don’t see ourselves the way other people see us. We are very generous towards other but we don’t cut ourselves any slack. I’m flabbergasted how you’re talking about how your husband doesn’t deserve this to happen to him and you do? (We both started laughing at that point)

N: He is the kind of person who if you ask directions on how to get somewhere, even if it’s out-of-the-way he will take you there. I would try to explain, I would not take anyone all the way there.

S: What good things do you see in yourself, what things do you do that are good and that are unique to you?

N: I have more sensitivity to people. My husband doesn’t see certain things that I’m more intuitive about, also in life and also in work. Part of my job was to be sensitive to kids. I have more sensitivity to my surroundings which my husband might sometimes miss because he just doesn’t see it. I can be a good friend. As far as the kids, I’m more involved, I am with them more. I never said I don’t do good things. My husband is just good.

S: Were you always as involved with your kids or is it more since you have been sick?

N: It was always very important for me to be a mother, to be with the kids. The thing that stressed me out the most when I got sick was the kids, what’s going to be with the kids. I still struggle with that. I was always with them. After my births I took extended maternity leave. I saw motherhood as a very important role. I always had that, it’s not something that started now.

(For the full series: click here to read Part Iclick here to read Part IIclick here to read Part III and click here to read Part IV.)

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our Africa and Middle East Editor, Susie Newday, in Israel. 

Photo credit to the author. 

 

Susie Newday (Israel)

Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookPinterestGoogle PlusYouTube