When my second child was six weeks old my husband had a business trip to Asia for one week. One evening when I was breastfeeding the baby, my first child demanded me to pick him up and carry him to the toilet, “Mom, I need to pee, now!”
I couldn’t figure out how to deliver a 4-year-old child without interrupting the feeding. Plus, the 4-year-old was perfectly potty trained. So I told him, “Come on, honey, you know how to do it by yourself. I can’t pick you up now. I’m feeding DiDi.”
“No, no, no! I want you to take me!”
“I can walk you down the hallway.”
“No, no, no! I want you to pick me up!”
I didn’t know what to do. My husband wasn’t home to help. I was tired. Now I was trying to nurse my baby to sleep while my young child throwing a tantrum, which really adds in salt to injury when being sleep-deprived.
Then he peed his pants and had a meltdown.
“Honey, honey, that’s okay!” I tried to calm him down, “We all have accidents. Now you take your pants off and wrap yourself in this towel. Then come sit with me. We’ll clean you up once DiDi are done eating.”
But he was crying like his head is being cut off. He cried too hard to hear me.
The baby finally fell asleep. I put him in his crib. Then I picked up the crying child and cleaned him up. He must have been crying badly, because when we were in the shower, I heard the doorbell.
A police officer stood at my door and asked if everything was alright in the house.
“Yes, yes,” I told him, “My child had a meltdown. But we’re good now.”
He asked me a couple of questions to make sure I was okay. Then he wished me a good night and left.
One of my neighbors called 911 and reported the cry. Realizing that, I actually felt peace, knowing someone cares about what’s happening in my house.
I was born and raised in Taiwan. At about my son’s age, I was beaten up by my parents almost every day. There was always crying, often blood. But no one ever showed up at our door and asked if everything was alright.
Our neighbors looked at me pitifully when I walked home from school. Then they turned around and chatted in low voices. I could tell that they all know something was happening in our house. Yet no one ever asked.
I finally escaped from the horror. I fled to America, left behind an irritable father, a depressed mother, and an anxious sister.
I finished journalism school in America and became a journalist. I write about parenting, education, family lifestyle, maternal and infant health. Currently serving as the US correspondent for a Taiwanese parenting magazine, I frequently write about how people in America parent differently from people in Taiwan.
Last year, a Taiwanese couple posted prank videos with their kids on Facebook. In the video, the parents scared their 5-year-old and 3-year-old with a vacuum machine until the kids cried. After trying to fight back and protect his little brother, the 5-year-old was spanked by the dad with a clothes hanger. The video angered its audience, but nothing happened to this couple.
At about the same time, the controversial American Youtubers “DaddyOFive” were sentenced to probation for similar videos with their kids. I wrote about the case for the magazine. A Taiwanese pediatrician commented, “Many young lives could be saved if only we judge parents like Americans do.”
I could have escaped from the horrible domestic violence much earlier if my parents were being judged. My sister didn’t have to suffer from anxiety disorder if my parents were being judged.
In 2016, 16 children under six died in car accidents because they didn’t use car seats (Jing-Chuan Child Safety Foundation, 2017). There is a car seat requirement, but no one would say anything if parents don’t use car seats or leave their children in a car alone. Those 16 children didn’t have to die if their parents were being judged.
Three years ago in Taiwan, I saw a father slapped his toddler in a restaurant. At the scene, I seemed to be the only one who was shocked. Others shushed me, “it’s none of your business to judge other’s parenting.” I silenced. I still feel bad after three years.
That night when the police showed up at my door and questioned my parenting, I knew I was being judged. Being judged doesn’t make me feel like a terrible mother, as long as I know I did nothing wrong. I don’t feel attacked or ashamed for being judged. I feel safe, knowing we, as parents and a whole-of-society, are watching each other. And by so doing, we protect our children.
This is an original post written for World Moms Network by To-Wen Tseng
It is a good post. I personally feel To-Wen Tseng is a very brave woman who has succeeded in overcoming such trauma in her childhood. She has highlighted the need for effective and affectionate parenting through the story
Thank you Lalithasai. I am glad I came to America. Initially I was really just trying to run away from my parents. But my advisor from graduate school sensed that I had a traumatized childhood and referred me to the school canceler. I rebuild my life with the professional help.
Dear To-Wen Tseng, I’m terribly sorry for what you experienced, but surely there should be a middle ground? It would have been better (in my opinion) for your neighbours to come over and see if you needed help instead of calling 911! Personally, I don’t believe in judging, because none of us can ever know the true circumstances of a family. I believe that Americans have gone too far, and now parents are *afraid* of disciplining their children to the extent that many of them have become hooligans with no respect for any kind of authority! Child abuse is a crime which should *never* be condoned or overlooked, not strapping a child into a car seat is criminal. Giving a toddler a smack on a (padded due to diaper) bottom to stop a tantrum shouldn’t merit a visit from social services! The other problem with what is happening in America now is that due to all these (frivolous) complaints, both social services and police are being kept from dealing with *actual* child abuse cases due to being stretched too thin. I hear what you’re saying, and I understand why you feel that way, but I do not think that calling 911 when you hear your neighbour’s child crying (without first noting a pattern) is the right thing to do. Love and best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, dear Simona.
I actually consider it’s reasonable for my neighbor to call the police. Just like what you said, ” none of us can ever know the true circumstances of a family.” What if I was going crazy and/or was armed? The neighbors calling on me could be putting themselves in danger.
Judging is not criticizing. For me, concerned neighbors making reasonable judgements are important to our community.
I wish I could have protected you as a child. Some parents just dont know any better. They weren’t taught any parenting techniques and didnt have any support or good role models. Parenting is the toughest responsiblity in the world. Should be more resources available, more workshops available and free counseling to parents who need it. Thank you for this ete opening article.
Thank you, Annamaria! It took me a while to find out that my father was abused as a child himself. He was unknowingly passing down his childhood trauma to me. I wish I could have protected him as a child but apparently that’s not something I can do. What I can do is being aware and not to leave the same traumatize experience to my own children.