My mother used to say the same thing whenever I was sick: “Well, your hands are not sick.”
She expected me to do my chores and not to make a big deal about being sick. It was a motto she lived by. When I think of her in those days, I cannot picture her sitting down or lying in bed. She was always busy taking care of us and taking care of the house. I can almost imagine her feeling sick in the morning and saying to herself: “Well your hands are not sick,” and getting on with business as usual. I have tried to live up to this motto as long as I can remember.
This image of a mother that takes care of her family regardless the circumstances, was printed in the core of my being.
When I got diagnosed with depression, I was deeply conflicted within myself. Every moment that I needed for myself, every day that I couldn’t go on as usual, troubled me. I judged myself. There is always something the matter with you. Are you sick again? I felt like a sad excuse for a mother. I pitied my children and husband for having to live with me. Being sick has always been a powerful trigger for me to sink deep into depression.
In 2011 I got diagnosed with depression, which led to a long struggle with dealing with my depression and undergoing extensive therapy. Just as I started to feel a little bit better in 2013, I broke my right shoulder and as it started to heal, I had to have my gallbladder removed. After that, a long period of feeling sick and dealing with throat problems, led to a tonsillectomy in 2015. In 2016 my doctor referred me to a rheumatologist. The word rheumatoid arthritis was mentioned. I’m still in the process of finding a diagnosis and proper treatment.
But I am doing fine. In a sense, I am grateful. It is easy to find joy when you’re healthy and pain free. When you’re walking in the sunshine it isn’t as hard to be hopeful. I have learned to enjoy every single ray of light when walking in the shadows. I do have my occasional pity parties, and I indulge in them, because I allow myself to feel, to grieve, to be sad when I need to. But my pity parties end and when they end, I pick up positivity and make the most of what I have.
Depression always lurks in the shadows. But it is more a kind of melancholy that accompanies me, reminding me of its existence. It doesn’t bother me as much, nor does it scare me the way it used to.
I feel fine, I feel happy. We’re almost in the 11th month of 2016 and I have had approximately two days this year without physical pain. The other days have fluctuated between noticeable pain, manageable pain and excruciating pain. All things considered I still feel blessed. It could have been so much worse. I still feel privileged and grateful.
I have reshaped my image of what a mother is supposed to look like. No longer is she shaped like a rock, a bulldozer, a mechanical machine. She is covered in flesh, imperfect, she bleeds, she falls, she lifts, she cries, she smiles. She is shaped like a human.
How has your concept of motherhood changed since you had children?
This is an original post for World Moms Network written by Mirjam in the Netherlands.
Waw Mirjam, such a powerful post! I too feel terrible at the moment, for ‘giving’ in to depression. Haven’t come to terms with it yet. I really hope I can be like you someday, enjoying the rays of sun when they appear!
I think it is part of the healing process, to come to terms with it. Most of the accusing and condemning thoughts are part of the depression. I am confident that you will heal and that you will get there. Keep on fighting the good fight, you are worth it!
Sending you rays of sunlight and hope. Much love.
Dear Mirjam and Katinka, I have been where you are … and I am proof that you *can* get better. Feeling guilty for being sick is the engine that keeps Depression running. In my case, I started to feel better when I accepted the fact that it *wasn’t* my fault that I wasn’t feeling well! The best decision I ever made was to check myself into a Psychiatric Clinic for 6 weeks (roughly 10 years ago) to *really* deal with my Depression. Since then I’ve had the the odd day when I’ve felt “down” but I haven’t slipped back into that bottomless pit I used to know too well. Physically I’m a *real* wreck, because I’ve been diagnosed with all of the following: Fibromyalgia, Psoriasis, Lupus. Trigeminal Neuralgia, GORD and Hypothyroidism. I’m on a bunch of meds and supplements to try to keep the symptoms at bay (because none of them are curable). I haven’t had a pain free day in so long, that I don’t remember what it’s like to not have some kind of pain or itch! Recently the Psoriasis has flared up and the itch is giving the pain a run for its money! 😛 Despite (or maybe because of) all of this, I am grateful for every day that I’m still able to go to work and contribute to my family. Just like you, Mirjam, I choose to embrace it all, because I wouldn’t be the person I am if not for everything that I’ve experienced. I have started a “secret” Facebook page called Living with an Invisible Illness. It’s an online support group for all of us who look perfectly healthy on the outside, but are dealing with illnesses which impact on our quality of life. I’ve found it very therapeutic to know that I’m not alone in dealing with the things I’m dealing with. 🙂 Thank you for this lovely post, which I’m sure will help other moms too! Sending you both lots of Love, Light and Strength xoxo
Mirjam, what a powerful message you are sharing in these lines!
I had the image of a warrior mum, the one who does not complain and take care of a family, first thing. And then I got pregnant, gave birth and it took me months to find my place as a mum, to create a healthy and happy relationship with my boy. Some days are painful. Some days are wonderful.
It’s only when I accepted my limits that I found my strenghts. It’s when we assume our weaknesses that we are true to ourselves and giving the best of who we are to our loved ones.
Keep going and stay blessed.
Mirjam,
I love the authenticity of your posts. I wish I had magic healing powers for both, you and Simona. I am stronger for reading your story. And please do only what you can. Sometimes our hands like resting, too. And that is ok. You are doing a great job!
Great to talk to you this weekend, too!
Jen 🙂
I do love ready your story. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for years. Coming from a divorced family since I was eight years old really effected my life. I married at 16 and was married almost 25 years. Around 10 years into my marriage I began treatment for the depression. Hope I made it without any help this long I’ll never know. I had my first child and only daughter at 17 and she was born 3 months premature and we lost our sweet girl at 5 1/2 months old. We then had our first son 2 years later and our youngest son 2 years after that.
I loved my husband and children so much and never believed in divorce,as I believed everything could be fixed. But I spent years after our daughters death watching my husband become an alcoholic and tried raising my children and ignoring it.
By the time 10 years of this had went on I couldn’t do it alone and it was my boys that were not getting my full attention as their moma because I was so depressed and full of anxiety. I raised my sons in this life because I loved everything about my life and family except my depression and my husbands alcoholism.
A day after our 23rd anniversary I had my first heart attack. My oldest son was 19 and our youngest son 17 years old. It changed my life and I knew things had to change in my life. I could no longer be the moma they needed by staying with a husband and Dad that didn’t put us first and seen it was time to change. A year after my heart attack and being diagnosed at 38 with heart disease I left and found out about a month later that my husband had been having a affair for almost a year. This tore my life and our children’s apart.
Today 10 plus years later my sons and I have had such a hard time having loving close moma and son relationships due to them trying to have a relationship with a alcoholic parent and a moma with all kinds of health problems. I love my children and now 3 grandchildren so much. My youngest son and only grandson are in my life and having a good relationship now for the past 4 years. But my oldest son and youngest granddaughter are hardly in my life.my oldest granddaughter isn’t in my life at all due to a divorce and I so need my family healed from this. Being a wife and mother was always my dream in my life and I can’t seem to heal from this. I’m so proud to read all the stories of all the mothers and the love they have and overcoming their depression. My story here is long but I needed to say this. I’m praying for you all and keep us in your prayers also.