I grew up in a house full of girls with one baby brother, who was so much younger than me that our friends and social lives didn’t overlap.
Now that I am the mother of three boys and one girl, I am learning many things I never knew about boys: they are more straightforward, easier to read, and, honestly, easier to persuade than girls. Boys wrestle–a lot. Even when they haven’t got the hang of walking yet, they wrestle. (I still don’t know why.) Boys are more emotional than I expected, and more sensitive.
I know there’s a lot more to learn about raising boys, and I’m excited to do it–especially because I can call in their father whenever something freaks me out.
Despite my growing expertise in raising boys, something recently caught me off guard. Something obvious in our society, but not so prevalent in my ‘tribe’ (which is what I call my close family–mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.).
My eldest turned 11 this year, and is in the phase between boy and teenager. And I find myself surprised to discover that our society’s segregation of men and women is changing my relationship with my own son.
I was totally unprepared for the separation that occurred when he moved from the little school to the big school. I went from being able to walk into his class, to speak to his teacher, and to meet his friends and their moms, to having to drop him off and pick him up outside the school gate (but not right in front of it, where the other boys could see us).
No more going into the school, unless I make an appointment with the headmaster and go to his office to speak with the teachers. (And even that is not permissible in most boys’ schools, the majority of which would not even allow a woman on the premises. The same is true for girls’ schools, which don’t permit men on the premises.)
My son can no longer go into the all-women area of the malls. In a few years, he won’t be allowed in any area of the mall without a ‘family’ for fear he will terrorize the girls. (Ironically, some young teenagers wait outside the malls and approach older women, or women with children, and ask them to pretend they are one family to gain entrance into the mall.)
Soon, my son won’t invite his friends over when his sister is home, although he could still invite cousins and close family friends.
There are so many unwritten rules concerning the separation of girls and boys, and a million variations. For some families, it’s pretty black and white: unless he is your brother or father, or unless she is your sister or mother, you don’t spend time with them. It also depends upon the region. In the eastern or western provinces, strict segregation is not as prevalent as it is here in the central region. In seacoast areas, people have the benefit of interacting with many cultures, and are therefore more forgiving.
I am baffled by how our society has become so segregated. Throughout the early history of Islam, segregation wasn’t practiced. Modesty and chastity, yes. Total segregation, no. I do not even think it was part of our culture as Saudis. At least, not to the extent it is today.
Until recently, Bedouin women were expected to welcome travelers into their tents, and to make them coffee, and even dinner, regardless of whether her husband was there. Yes, most would have had their faces covered (again, a cultural custom, not religious one), but they interacted with men all the time. It’s only in recent years that things have changed. Some put it down to the influences that came into Saudi when it was united. Others say it is a reaction to how fast we were exposed to the outside world, and how quickly we went from tribal life to modern-day life.
Theories aside, I’m facing the reality of being shut out of a part of my son’s life and of him being shut out of mine.
When I explained my concern to one of his teachers (over the phone) he said, “You can’t follow him around all of his life!” As if I were a stalker! Am I being a stalker? Hmmm, I wonder how involved I would be in his day-to-day school life if I were?
My biggest fear is that if he gets caught up in the wrong crowd, segregation makes it easier in certain houses with absent fathers to make mistakes and do stupid stuff. I thank God his father keeps an eye on him, and that he still fills me in about his day and talks to me when he is upset. If we can continue to talk, I think I may be okay.
Perhaps I just don’t like not being in control of the situation, or perhaps it’s that I don’t have the choice.
Would you naturally step back from your son’s day-to-day life when he turns 11 or 12? Would you withdraw from knowing his friends and supervising his outings?
It’s all foreign territory for me now, and I am learning to deal with it as best I can.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our contributor in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and mother of four, Mama B.
Photo credit: Dr. Coop under Flickr Creative Commons License
I cannot even begin to imagine this. There are some similarities though. My son is twelve and he started junior high this year. He goes to school and comes back home on his own. I am never at his school, and I don’t know most of his new friends. I depend on him to tell me about a great part of his life that I am missing. This was a very interesting read for me. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the comment. I was wondering wether there would be some separations starting at this age regardless of culture… it’s so interesting to hear from other mothers of children the same age in different cultures!
I could not imagine being completely shut out of my son’s life. My son is 8 and we just moved to a new neighborhood, so new friends and schools for the kids, and feel a bit the way you do (I.e. Not knowing his friends or teachers) because I work full time. But that is a choice, as opposed to being forced into it. I imagine it must be very hard for you, but at the same time our boys will grow up anyway and will normally “push” us away to gain their independence. As long as he keeps talking to you about his friends and school, I think you can keep an “eye” on him and stay involved in his life, even if it’s from the outside looking in. Thanks for sharing.
Thats exactly the key! That he keeps talking and I keep listening lol. So far so good! and good luck to us all!
Thank you of your comment!
Mama B. thank you for writing this. I am fascinated by the fact that, despite the ever increasing gender equality in my own country, there are still many places (in the developed and otherwise) where women and men exist on two separate planes. I can’t imagine this disparity within my own family. Is your son aware that these standards don’t exist everywhere? He lived in London for 2 years and I’m guessing has also had the opportunity to travel to the Western world as well with you. What happens when he’s outside of these cultural expectations? Does he behave in a different, more gender equal manner? Is it akin to being bilingual?
Kyla I love the way you put it!!! Akin to begin bilingual! I think it is! I went to say goodbye to a friend of mine, an American Muslim woman, who is leaving Saudi for good. But she lives in a western compound which are basically little bubbles of westerner living western lives within Saudi. And I was looking at my son who was with me and my daughter who have no problem transitioning from one to the other without batting an eye. Like transitioning from Arabic to English. I know they are aware of it by the way they act with different people in different situations but I am not sue they are consciously aware of it. Sometimes tho the questions arise about the major differences and I hate when I do not have a simple way of explaining it to them!
He is always gender equal, (or as anyone can possibly be in this world as I have yet to visit a truly gender equal place yet) but we have always in our family had the same respect for women as we do for men. but he knows what is the norm and what is not and will act accordingly I would imagine in order to fit in. Especially at this age. For example some boys would never tell you their mothers name! I assume he would probably do the same around those boys but feel totally comfortable telling a westerner my name. It’s all so very strange and must be studied by some sociologist at some point lol.
These cultural/religious rules sound very challenging to me as a mother and woman. You have travelled abroad to Western cultures and I wonder how difficult it is for you to keep within these-for western women- harsh restraints?
I live in Greece and have experienced certain such segregation but to a MUCH lesser degree. In church, for example, men and women sit separately and women don’t sing, only men. In many coffee shops,especially in small towns and villages, it’s unheard of for a women to go and drink coffee with the men. Of course there ARE many places where the younger generation go and hang out in mixed company and these places are always full, particularly in touristic areas and large towns.
With regards to your boys, I think wrestling and distancing themselves from their mothers seems to be a universal characteristic! I have 13 and 14 year old boys and since they were 12 they don’t let me pick them up from directly outside school. I have to wait at least 60 metres away from the entrance…and they measure the distance, too!!! If we go shopping, they want me to walk ahead about 5 metres so their friends don’t see them with mama! With all these distance rules, I’ve become an expert in judging things in metres!
This was a really informative post. Thanks!
Ann Marie that makes me feel better. At least I know we as mothers of tweens and teens are all being equally shut out lool. Misery loves company.
We have always traveled and had friends from so many different cultures growing up as has my mother so we have been exposed to these cultures as well as our own since we were born. For me as I grow I discover the differences between what is truly my religion and faith and what are the customs or the strange new additions that do not have anything to do with my faith truly and am able to make my own choices about them. I hope that answered your question! If not please ask me to clarify. My 8 year old daughter told me a few weeks ago that I explain too much lol.
Thank you for your comment.