If you Google bullying, there is a whole plethora of websites to choose from. Most of them deal with how to prevent your kid from bullying, how to react when your kid is bullied/being a bully, how to talk to your child about bullying.
But what if it is you—a fully grown adult—who are being bullied and there is really nothing you can do about it because the bully is also an adult…and your boss? And you cannot afford to lose your job.
Here is the situation: years ago I worked for a small, family owned business (You will understand why I do not name any names). I can best describe my boss as the Belgian cousin of Miranda Priestly, the Devil-boss who wore Prada. Believe me she had her down pat. From the sneering “that’s all,” the calls outside work hours, the berating because I could not divine her thoughts and causing her to suffer the indignity of having to actually tell me what was expected, the pout…
Oh yeah, they were related all right.
After little more than a six months, I was actively looking for another job. And then, a week before I planned to resign and tell her to go do something to herself, I found out I was pregnant. And the game and the world as a whole changed completely.
We had just started building our house, there was no way my husband’s salary would cover all the bills and finding a job while you are pregnant is not easy.
So I stayed on. But it was obvious right from the start that they did not like the idea of having a young mother as employee.
Since I was competent at my job they had no reason to fire me outright and because Belgian legislation is rather protective towards pregnant women in the workplace, it became almost impossible to fire me when I handed over the medical bill announcing my pregnancy.
And so the bullying started.
Little things at first. Saddling me with a huge amount of work half an hour before I was due to clock out. Making a mess of the client contact database, insisting it was my fault, even though there was actual proof that it wasn’t.
But when they noticed that I was relatively unaffected things got BAD. In capitals.
While the company was closed for the summer holidays I got a letter detailing every little thing that I had done wrong after I announced I was pregnant. And I really mean everything, like putting one (1!) sheet of paper for an invoice the wrong way up in the printer causing them the loss of a whole eurocent in paper because I had to reprint the page. After that it got even worse than you can imagine. Belittling me in front of clients, calls at all hours, at all times, screaming, yelling, throwing. One day I came into the office to find that my boss had emptied my trashcan all over my desk. Fun times… I can tell you.
You must wonder how I dealt with the situation. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I did not deal with it.
No, that is wrong. I did deal with it, but not in the way you might imagine. I did nothing.
I showed up for work, I let them scream, I let them yell, I let them belittle me, when they called at 6am on a Sunday I answered the phone and made no complaint. Nothing. When I arrived at the office I did my job. Business as usual.
This was my defense strategy. I did my job and because I continued to do it well, they never had an excuse for firing me.
Yes, I could have filed a complaint for harassment and started a legal procedure. I even started collecting evidence in case I should one day be forced to do so. Chances are very good I would have won, since the evidence was pretty rock solid. Yet, this was never really my intention. I was 29 at the time and legal procedures in Belgium can take a looooooooooooooooooong time. Dragging my employer to court would take ages, it would cost a lot of money and it is the kind of thing which haunts you forever. I still had my way to make in the world, my career was just beginning. A court case was likely to follow me around for my whole life and I did not wish to bring this kind of baggage with me.
I collected—and still keep—the evidence just in case.
In retrospect, I should have gone to my doctor, explained the situation and asked him to declare me unfit for work. But I did not do that. As soon as it was legally possible I resigned and the happy dance I did on my last day of work might have come straight out of a Broadway musical. I never looked back.
Has this situation ever happened to you? What did/would you do?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in Belium, Tinne of Tantrum and Tomatoes.
The image used in this post is credited to Elizabeth Atalay.
I never knew how terrible bullying at the workplace was, until it happened to me.. I can still physically feel the frustration, anger and grief when I start thinking about it..
My situation was also ‘Mommy-related’. A group of people at my job at the time had to be transferred to a different place. (Long story)
Because I worked only one day a week, I was treated with contempt, even though I was fully qualified. They tried to pressure me into quitting my job.
From my experience at that time, I disagree with you saying that you did not deal with it. The amount of strength it must have taken to show up and do your job? And all that, while you were pregnant??
No, Tinne, you DID deal with it, you fought like a tiger.
Oh God Mirjam,I’m so sorry that you had to go through that! People can behave like complete assholes sometimes.
LOVE each and every word Mirjam just shared …
I can only imagine their frustration and confusion as to how you held your head so high … tiger indeed.
Ha, thank you!
To be honest… they were indeed very frustrated and that gave me the strenght to go on.
Wow Tinne – I am not sure that I would have dealt with it nearly as well as you. I have been bullied in a much lesser degree – and I fought back (I was lucky and working for a very large bank at the time). I went over my boss’s head and started to ask questions directly from HR, which then started an investigation and actually resulted in my boss loosing her job (I wasn’t the only one who complained it ended up). I didn’t feel good about it though, since no one should ever loose a job like that, but at least things got much better afterwards. make sure to keep all of that evidence in a really secure place – you never know when another young mother may need your help! 🙂
I think you dealt with the situation extremely well! If you can go to HR with situations like these you totally should!
Wow, I admire your self control to hold your head high and just keep going. It must have driven them crazy for you not to react! That is what they tell kids to do too in bullying situations! The bullies want reactions! They want to feel superior. I have worked for several maniacal bosses in my film production career, the upside is that was freelance work so I always knew it was only temporary. There is a great deal of empowerment when you can walk away from a bully boss and know that that is not how you have to live the rest of your life, but that they have to live with themselves and will be that miserable person forever. People who are happy with themselves and their lives are not usually the bullies. It is usually the ones who need to belittle others to try to make themselves feel better/bigger/more important/powerful……whatever they lack.
The empowerment when you walk away… yes I know exactly what you mean.
Oh man Tinne! I can’t even believe you went through that!!!
I’m glad you are where you should be now (and where people love and respect you).
Thanks! I’m indeed very fortunate in my current workplace, having gone through all that makes me appreciate it all the more.
Wow. I can’t believe you toughed it out through all of that. I would have lost it. That shows remarkable strength of character and a whoooooooole lot of patience. But you did what you had to for your family. I get that more than I wish I did right now. Not from the bullying perspective, but from being this close to moving on, but….no.
Isn’t it ridiculous how what seems like a playground issue for children can turn into such a horrible horrible thing. Proof that if we don’t deal with our society’s issues in the early years, there is nothing good ahead.
I applaud you. (clap clap clap clap clap…)
Hah, thank you very much for the applause! I quit agree with you, all bully tendencies need to be nipped in the but as soon as possible.
Yup. Been there; done that. Sadly, bully bosses are not easily dismissed and can work the system, so those higher-up think they are wonderful. Sigh. So pleased you got through this – it’s not an easy thing to do.
I also commend you for your fortitude and agree with what the other Mamas have said. 🙂
I’m still living this so I can’t really comment much but I know…oh how I know lol
My boss was a bully..tyrant would be a better word. I left my job…
It seems that workplace bullying is more common that we thought. I agree, you should have gone to your Dr. but seriously, how could you even think straight when someone was making your life a living hell 🙁