INDONESIA: The Absent Grandparent

INDONESIA: The Absent Grandparent

Grandfather photoOut of the blue, my daughter recently asked “Mommy, who is your Daddy?” “My Daddy is Grandpa”, I said. “Do you remember him? We visited him in the desert.” “No, Mommy. Can we go to the desert again, so I can remember him?”

This breaks my heart.

Growing up, I always had a close relationship with my Dad. We are kindred spirits in many ways, and he has had a big influence on the shape of my life.

When I was 14, my parents separated, and my Dad moved to San Francisco. I loved visiting him there and experiencing the world beyond my suburban life – touring the city together while he listened, offered perspective and treated me like the adult I was becoming. After my friend backed out of our planned graduation trip to France – my first overseas experience – my Dad encouraged me to go by myself. Buoyed by his confidence, I took the leap…and thus began my traveling life.

Over the years he expressed only enthusiasm for my far-flung travel plans and showed up to philosophize over wine in Paris and fresh roasted coffee in Eritrea. Between adventures (and sometimes jobs), his home was a welcoming safe haven.

I always thought my Dad would make a wonderful grandfather. He is a gifted storyteller, seems to know everything about everything and even has a Santa Claus look about him – white hair, smiling eyes and a jovial laugh.

However, until now he has played a very hands-off role in my children’s lives.

In the years after the twins were born, we visited each other a handful of times. As a new mom, I had less time for keeping in touch – and my adventure tales were decidedly less riveting – but he was still just a phone call away, and I often took advantage of my rare alone time (usually while walking the dog) to give him a ring.

After moving to Asia 3 years ago, communication has dwindled. These days we might get an occasional email, but there are no skype chats, phone calls, letters, or birthday presents to unwrap. When you live far away from family, these are the things that keep us close – the quick IM exchanges, silly video chats, emailed notes and drawings, and slightly dented packages with exciting postmarks.

Luckily, my Mom and my British in-laws make a great deal of effort to keep in touch and up to date on our daily lives, which I am so grateful for. Our kids know, love and miss them and it’s a joy to watch their relationships grow and thrive despite the miles between us.

Three out of four grandparents isn’t bad, yet, I still feel disappointed by the Grandpa gap in our lives.

Everyone is missing out ,and I feel sad that my fantastic kids don’t know my equally fantastic Dad and that he doesn’t know them. Ultimately, though, their grandfather-grandchild relationship belongs to them. I can encourage this special bond, but I can’t create their connection or force them to know and love one another.

I also feel disappointed in my Dad’s hands-off role in my own life since having kids. Just because I am now a parent doesn’t mean that I don’t still need my own parent. Though I’m now living in the big wide world that he encouraged me to explore, all of the same advice applies. And sometimes I still need it.

In a few weeks we will drive our little family to the desert to visit my Dad for the first time in 2 years.

My hope is that my Dad and my children will have time to get to know each other and create some special memories during our short visit. For myself, I hope to reconnect with an open heart and commit to communicating better going forward.

Life is simply too short.

How do you maintain relationships with family when living far away? Has your relationship with your parents changed since you became a parent?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Shaula Bellour in Jakarta, Indonesia. Her blog, Notes From a Small World, is currently on hiatus but she promises to return to blogging soon.

Photo credit to Kihoon Park. This photo has a creative commons attribution license. 

Shaula Bellour (Indonesia)

Shaula Bellour grew up in Redmond, Washington. She now lives in Jakarta, Indonesia with her British husband and 9-year old boy/girl twins. She has degrees in International Relations and Gender and Development and works as a consultant for the UN and non-governmental organizations. Shaula has lived and worked in the US, France, England, Kenya, Eritrea, Kosovo, Lebanon and Timor-Leste. She began writing for World Moms Network in 2010. She plans to eventually find her way back to the Pacific Northwest one day, but until then she’s enjoying living in the big wide world with her family.

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MOROCCO: Keeping It All Under Wraps

MOROCCO: Keeping It All Under Wraps

jordanRecently, my boobs took a trip to Jordan.  At least it seemed at the time that the rest of me was just along for the ride.  Never had my cleavage gotten so much attention; never had it occupied my thoughts so completely.

 Having lived in Morocco for almost a year, I thought I knew how to strike the proper balance….somewhere between my usual, US appropriate signature style and a more modest décolletage that I felt was an appropriate concession to my host country’s social norms.

This balance was clearly off-kilter for Jordan.  My ensembles were getting more attention from the male Jordanian population than a Britney Spears get up.  Given that I have been a little sensitive about my dwindling cup size since giving up nursing my son, I was momentarily flattered….before being sincerely uncomfortable and confused.

I knew in theory that one country in the Middle East or North Africa would not necessarily adhere to the same standards of dress for women as the next, just as various areas or social classes within Morocco dressed worlds apart.   (more…)

Natalia Rankine-Galloway (Morocco)

Natalia was born a stone's throw from the Queen's racetrack in Ascot, UK and has been trying to get a ticket to the races and a fabulous hat to go with it ever since. She was born to a Peruvian mother and an Irish father who kept her on her toes, moving her to Spain, Ireland and back to the UK before settling her in New York for the length of middle and high school. She is still uncertain of what she did to deserve that. She fled to Boston for college and then Washington, D.C. to marry her wonderful husband, who she met in her freshman year at college. As a military man, he was able to keep her in the migratory lifestyle to which she had become accustomed. Within 5 months of marriage, they were off to Japan where they stayed for a wonderful 2 and one half years before coming home to roost. Baby Xavier was born in New York in 2011 and has not slept since. A joy and an inspiration, it was Xavier who moved Natalia to entrepreneurship and the launch of CultureBaby. She has loved forging her own path and is excited for the next step for her family and CultureBaby. Natalia believes in the potential for peace that all children carry within them and the importance of raising them as global citizens. She loves language, history, art and culture as well as Vietnamese Pho, Argentinian Malbec, English winters, Spanish summers and Japanese department stores...and she still hopes one day to catch the number 9 race with Queen Liz. You can find her personal blog, The Culture Mum Chronicles.

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SOCIAL GOOD: Let’s All Become Globally Responsible Mothers!

SOCIAL GOOD: Let’s All Become Globally Responsible Mothers!

heather copy

Heather Horsey of Swaysilver jewelry

As we all know, raising children in today’s society can be a financial challenge for many. As mothers, we are often seeking the best deal on the purchases we make. Like many, I do consider myself to be a responsible consumer and I try to purchase from ethical sources.

The recent tragedy in a Bangladesh factory that resulted in the loss of hundreds of lives, however, revealed that some of the stores that I purchase from on a regular basis were in some way or another linked to the poor working conditions of this particular factory.

The majority of those who lost their lives that tragic day were our fellow mothers, working to provide the basis necessities of life to their families.

Those lost in the building collapse have not been far from my thoughts since that day. My appreciation has greatly increased for the companies run by my fellow Canadian moms who I know put the ethical treatment employees as a top priority in their company operations. Peekaboo Beans, Redfish Kids Clothing, KiKi Kids, and Red Thread Design are some of my favourite Canadian brands started and operated by some fabulous Canadian moms.

The success of these businesses lead me to wonder: why can’t all companies choose to manufacture goods in an ethical manner? Isn’t it a fundamental obligation of ours? Why is that for some, despite the obvious financial challenges, this is of such high importance, and yet for many, it is not? In order to address this issue, I decided to speak to a friend and local artisan, who I know has given this very topic much thought and consideration.

soar bracelet copy

Soar bracelet by Heather Horsey

Heather Horsey makes beautiful silver jewellery in my Canadian hometown. She recently designed and marketed a “Teach, Feed, Soar” bracelet benefitting my not for profit organization, Mom2Mom Africa. I asked Heather why she chooses to run her business, Swaysilver, in such an admirable and ethical manner.

Her response was equally as admirable: “It’s no secret that for centuries the jewellery industry has been wrought with social injustices and it’s good to see some headway being made in the ethical production of jewellery by using recycled materials and lab-created gemstones. The metal I use is recycled silver, harvested from catalytic converters from the car manufacturing industry. In my opinion, a lot of good has come out of creating jobs overseas, however, it is in the best interest of everyone to make sure the working conditions are safe and pay is fair”.

It is common knowledge that overseas factories provide a huge cost-savings to many companies, enabling them to provide products to interested purchasers at bargain prices. This is a huge challenge to entrepreneurs, like Heather, who are trying to provide products at a competitive price without compromising ethical standards.

According to Heather, “while bargains are enticing, I’d rather buy from a company that I know is going above and beyond to put caring for people first no matter where the product is being made. Competing in price is a challenge only when it is assumed that I should be able to make by hand something that is quickly made by machine in a factory overseas. I do my best to create designs that are original and artistically interesting in order to set my work apart from something that is mass-produced”.

I truly believe that we need to shift our focus from finding the best possible bargain to instead ensuring that our purchased products are being made in a manner that provides safe and respectable working conditions for employees.  I encourage everyone to research the way in which products from your favourite companies are produced. Our actions have a direct impact on the lives of many around the world. It is our moral obligation to help those in need, and not endanger the lives of others in order to benefit ourselves. I encourage you to support local artisans and companies of high ethical standards in your communities.

Saving a few dollars can mean the difference between life and death for others.

As mothers and consumers, we have the power to create change and prevent another needless workplace tragedy.

This is an original World Moms Blog post by Canadian writer and founder of Mom2Mom Africa, Alison Frasier.

Are you conscientious about the ethics and conditions under which the products you purchased are sourced?

Alison Fraser

Alison Fraser is the mother of three young girls ranging in age from 5 to 9 years old. She lives with her family in Cambridge, Ontario, Canada. Alison works as an Environmental Toxicologist with a human environment consulting company and is an active member of the Society of Environmental Toxicology and Chemistry (SETAC). She is also the founder and director of the Canadian Not for Profit Organization, Mom2Mom Africa, which serves to fund the school fees of children and young women in rural Tanzania. Recently recognized and awarded a "Women of Waterloo Region" award, Alison is very involved in charitable events within her community including Christmas Toy and School Backpack Drives for the local foodbank.

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BELGIUM: When Special Needs Children Have Children

BELGIUM: When Special Needs Children Have Children

Tinne 271 x 240It is a running gag that we Belgians like to make things complicated. This shows itself best in the Moloch which calls itself ‘Government’.
Government – like all of its kind – has a thing for paperwork. It starts even before you are born, when your mother and father are requested to fill in form after form to guarantee your basic rights and to prove that yes you are about to enter the world.

And it goes on and on and on. Papers which need to be filled out announcing your actual birth, your name, gender, weight, etc… Then when you are a few weeks old, your mother will receive an order to have you weighed, measured and to have a friendly chat with a childcare specialist about how you – little pooping nugget – are doing. (Don’t get me wrong, I greatly appreciate this service: these checkups – and accompanying vaccinations – are free of charge, and they often aid in detecting health issues really early.)

When you enter school the whole administrative shebang is transferred to another institution, which will now not only monitor your growth, weight gain and fine motor skills but also your learning process and general scholastic development. And, of course, there is paper work to be filled out…

So this is how I found myself filling out a five–page questionnaire on a rainy night in May in preparation of our eldest’s first annual checkup. Most questions were simple and straightforward : “Do either of the parents wear glasses?” (Yes, both), “Any hereditary diseases, mental illnesses,…” (None), “Primary language spoken at home?” (Dutch), “Any serious illnesses as an baby/infant?” (No).

But there was one question which gave made me pause : “Was either of the parents treated for a learning disability as a child/adult? If yes, please specify which one.”

Well, yes, actually. I was.

When I was about seven or eight years old I was diagnosed with the type of Attention Deficit Disorder, now called ADHD–I. Later they threw in some dyscalculia for good measure. While I never took any medication, I did receive treatment well into my teenage years.

Those were very difficult times, mainly because when I was diagnosed, the whole ADHD–spectrum was relatively unknown. Most people – teachers, close family members and other – scoffed when ADHD or ADD was mentioned.

Many called it an imaginary condition and would tell me that I was making things up, that I was just “not that bright”, “plain stupid”, “not trying hard enough” or – my personal favourite – “a lazy good for nothing pest, who would never get a degree and whose only career option was cleaning toilets”.

I vividly remember how my mother and I were asked to come to the principal’s office one day during my first year of high school, so we could discuss my poor results and lack of attention during class. We arrived carrying a thick file full of test results, reports, statements,… only for the principal to refuse even to look at the file and tell my mother that “it was about time that she accepted her daughter was not as intelligent as she was and that she should not waste peoples time by insisting I remained in a normal classroom.”

Needless to say, my mom was a wee bit pissed off and the discussion which followed can best be described as a fight between a lion with anger issues and a crazy, rabid baboon on steroids.

It got better when I changed schools the next year. It got better when I got older, because I got a better view on the what, the why and the how. It got better because I developed coping skills. It got better because the therapy actually worked and somehow my brain got whipped into some kind of shape. As we now know there is no “curing” ADHD. I still get distracted easily and rely on noise cancellation headphones or classical music to get me through a bad day.

After filling in the questionnaire I catch myself looking at my children all too often, and playing the “What if” – song in my head.

Because what if – along with the sensitive skin (sorry about that one, by the way, kids) and the shape of their eyes – I gave my kids those parts of me. What if, they, too, will have to fight a lifelong battle?

I know times are different. We are lucky to live in a part of the world where education is a basic right, not a privilege and not something for which we – women – have to fight. I know there is a better understanding, new developments in treatment and more acceptance regarding learning disabilities as opposed to when I was a kid. I know – think, hope, … I will probably be more prepared in dealing with one or both of my children being diagnosed with a learning disability than my own mother, who was basically left in the middle of the jungle with a broken compass as her only tool to help her fight a way out, if only because I’m aware of the fact that this situation may arise and have lived it, am in still living it, coping with it.

But still…

What if… ?

How are people dealing with the whole learning disability spectrum in your neck of the woods? If you are a “former special needs child turned adult” how would you deal with this situation?

This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Tinne of Tantrums and Tomatoes.

Photo credit to the author.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes

Born in Belgium on the fourth of July in a time before the invention of the smart phone Tinne is a working mother of two adorably mischievous little girls, the wife of her high school sweetheart and the owner of a black cat called Atilla. Since she likes to cook her blog is mainly devoted to food and because she is Belgian she has an absurd sense of humour and is frequently snarky. When she is not devoting all her attention to the internet, she likes to read, write and eat chocolate. Her greatest nemesis is laundry.

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CALIFORNIA, USA: Family + Puppy = Happiness?

CALIFORNIA, USA: Family + Puppy = Happiness?

ewa-samples-dogsA few months ago, while waiting in our laundry room, I saw some magazines left on the table. I picked one of them and started flipping through. Being in a not so very happy period of my life, one article drew my attention: Give yourself a happiness makeover. Beneath the title: Longevity expert, Dan Buettner traveled the globe to discover what makes people happiest. This caught my attention more than the title itself.

Essentially it was an article about how to improve your happiness in 10 steps. I normally don’t read that crap but then I thought: what the heck, it won’t hurt me.

So here are a few steps listed in this article:

  • “Make the most of your mornings.”:  CHECKED. Two kids (one newborn), three if counting husband, four if counting a recent (at that time) addition of a high-maintenance puppy to our family. I didn’t even remember my mornings…I didn’t even remember my name!
  • “Stop spending; start saving.”:  Don’t have much to spend or save, I thought. CHECKED.
  • “Get a daily dose of friends.”:  Well, I have 303 friends on Facebook…CHECKED, right?

There was even advice for those who don’t go to church: “Start going.” Duh!

Anyway, the list went on, and then, there it was, the golden advice: “Gain Peace With a Pooch.” Now it got more interesting! (more…)

Ewa Samples

Ewa was born, and raised in Poland. She graduated University with a master's degree in Mass-Media Education. This daring mom hitchhiked from Berlin, Germany through Switzerland and France to Barcelona, Spain and back again! She left Poland to become an Au Pair in California and looked after twins of gay parents for almost 2 years. There, she met her future husband through Couch Surfing, an international non-profit network that connects travelers with locals. Today she enjoys her life one picture at a time. She runs a photography business in sunny California and document her daughters life one picture at a time. You can find this artistic mom on her blog, Ewa Samples Photography, on Twitter @EwaSamples or on Facebook!

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