A few months ago, while waiting in our laundry room, I saw some magazines left on the table. I picked one of them and started flipping through. Being in a not so very happy period of my life, one article drew my attention: Give yourself a happiness makeover. Beneath the title: Longevity expert, Dan Buettner traveled the globe to discover what makes people happiest. This caught my attention more than the title itself.
Essentially it was an article about how to improve your happiness in 10 steps. I normally donโt read that crap but then I thought: what the heck, it wonโt hurt me.
So here are a few steps listed in this article:
- โMake the most of your mornings.โ: ย CHECKED. Two kids (one newborn), three if counting husband, four if counting a recent (at that time) addition of a high-maintenance puppy to our family. I didnโt even remember my mornings…I didnโt even remember my name!
- โStop spending; start saving.โ: ย Donโt have much to spend or save, I thought. CHECKED.
- โGet a daily dose of friends.โ: ย Well, I have 303 friends on Facebook…CHECKED, right?
There was even advice for those who donโt go to church: โStart going.โ Duh!
Anyway, the list went on, and then, there it was, the golden advice: โGain Peace With a Pooch.โ Now it got more interesting!
It said that when some smart woman with a PhD โstudied 240 married couples, she discovered that the presence of a pet was more effective than a spouse or a friend in easing the effects of stress.โย The conclusion was that pets foster self-esteem, calmness, soothing and feeling of acceptance. To sum it up, the author said, โso visit your local animal shelter and consider adopting one (pet).โ
And I say STOP WHERE YOU ARE.ย Getting a dog (puppy or a rescued shelter dog) is a huge decision which could shape your life, your relationship, your child(ren)โs attitude toward pets, and your character (the most). Of course those who have no problems with their puppies or adopted dogs are very lucky. I envy you.
I am a dog person, always have been. When I met my husband I instantly fell in love with his dog. I am not really sure which was first: love for the dog or for her ownerโฆ
The thing was that when we first met she was 6 years old and so well trained I felt sorry for her. She was too good to be true, and I felt like she was not allowed to be a dog. There would be a bowl full of food standing in front of her and she wouldnโt touch the smallest crumb of it until she was released to do so by an โokโ. She would sit there all day waiting for the release command. Then I came along and life changed for her. She was allowed to sleep on the bed with me. She was allowed to be in the kitchen with me. She was allowed everything. I spoiled her rotten. Today I know I did wrong, but this piece is not about her.
Anyway, about a year ago a decision was made. My husband decided he was ready to start his business and that required buying a new dog. He decided to get a pure bred puppy from a breeder. Weโd talked about it, and Iโd expressed all my worries in this matter.ย At that time I was in the middle of my second pregnancy and the vision of having to take care of one more baby was terrifying. I was afraid that at some point I would be left all by myself with all the responsibilities that are attached to having a puppy.
I didnโt really want another dog. I wanted her even less when it appeared that we would have to give our old dog to my husbandโs parents for at least the first year of the puppyโs life. When that came out; I already hated the new dog.
My husband assured me he would take care of the dog. He picked the breed and he picked the breeder. When the puppy was ready to be picked up we packed both our kids (the youngest was 4 months old) and in one trip we said โsee ya laterโ to our old dog, and we picked up the puppy.
During the first several months after the puppy came into our lives, we suffered terribly. My husband is the mentally strongest person I have ever known, but this puppy drove him to the state of depression and resentment. I was, not intentionally, forced to take the lead and take care of the puppy, plus the baby, plus the two year old.
She was picked to be a good working dog, but at the same time she was the last breed you would want to pick if you have small children around and no time to take care of her at all. She was a crazy, high-energy, kicking, pushing, scratching, biting dog. And she was aggressive towards people ย (not towards us, but towards other people and their dogs).
I could barely manage her. I did some basic training with her but that was a drop in the ocean. She needed way more than I could give her. We did not have the space she needed and we did not have the time to take care of her needs. She did not seem to get the idea of potty training what so ever…and the truth is, neither of us had the patience or energy to manage another child.
After-pregnancy shape โ forget about it! I lost it all within several weeks of the puppy being with us.
Baby finally sleeps through the night. ย Well, there is puppy that just pooped in her crate for the 3rd time this night, so you better forget about sleep, get on your knees and scrub.
I did not remember my name or what day of the week it was. I cried a river because that dog made me feel like I was the worst person on this world just because I didnโt like her and didnโt want her. I wanted her to be gone so bad like I have never wanted anything else in my entire life. How can you not like a puppy, a dog? How?, I was asking myself. So many times I sat down to write about my feelings and the whole situation, and the only words that came to my mind were: โI hate her, I hate her, I hate her.โ It came to a point when I was ready to give my husband an ultimatum: me or her. I thought I could not go on a day longer.
Our relationship suffered terribly; I was depressed, exhausted and angry. Angry at myself and angry at everybody around me. My husband was depressed and frustrated with me because he thought I didnโt understand. ย He thought I was being impatient. Our kids, but especially the youngest, hated this terrible creature who scratched her, pushed her, and kicked her all the time. Our first child was raised to love dogs because since she was born, she was around a very calm, loving and submissive dog.
Our second child was on a path to become a person who hated and/or would be afraid of dogs, and I hated myself for that too. I saw that happening and I didnโt know how to change it or fix it.
The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that at some time in the near future, the puppy was going away for training. ย She would be gone, and when she came back she would be different; she would be trained and she would have a purpose in her life – and in ours.
Today, we have our two dogs back.ย Itโs crowded in here, but we are happy and looking forward to what the future will bring. We have (barely) survived one of the life’s lessons. Now, when somebody says: โIf you are bored, or want to be more active, consider getting a dog.โ I know what bad advice that is. I know that because of articles like the one I read, people makeย decisions to get a pet and there are more and more abandoned dogs out there. ย Shelters are filled to their limits. People seem to think of dogs like toys (like a new elliptical), instead of kids.
So, if you consider getting a dog, please think twice…and then one more time…and then once more. Think of all the consequences of bringing a dog to your home. Do a research about the breed, or if you want to adopt, get to know that dog first. ย Learn about the dogโs past and all his/her potential problems, and think about whether or not you can deal with them. Donโt play a tough cookie by saying: “Oh, we’ll be just fine, it’s just a dog.” ย Be honest with yourself. The dog deserves that, because the dog is not just a dog, it is a family member who will need the same, or even a greater amount of love, acceptance and work than your own child or human partner.
Are you a pet owner? If yes, whatโs your story?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer Ewa Samples “Mom Photographer” from California. ย
The photographs used in this post are attributed to the author.
Oh my, Ewa! What a wonderful and brutally honest post.
I am a farm girl and have grown up with post-Christmas cats and dogs being dumped at the end of our road…people are caught up in the fairy tale…perhaps the same with babies sometimes…and then reality bites.
Good on you for raising awareness about this. And good luck with your dogs, girls and hubs. ๐
Thank you, Karyn!!!!
People do not think enough before getting a new pet. They all get it for different reasons but at the end it comes to one: this pet becomes a family member and it should be treated and taken care of as one, and if we don’t have the time or the space or the energy or the money (or all those things together) we simply shouldn’t be getting one because we are asking for a disaster.
Wow Ewa, this is so true! When I was a child, my stepfather came home one day with an English Spaniel puppy, who a was beautiful, active, crazy dog. Like you say, she had a really hard time being house broken, and drove my mom crazy. We were living in a teeny apt then, and I believe that she did give my step-father the ultimatum because one day the dog was gone, living with an older, childless couple with a boat where I am sure that she had a wonderful life. (Even though at the time was sad, as a mother of 2, I now understand what she must have been going through). A year or two later, we got a Maltese, who was much easier to handle (Malteses only grow to be about 8 pounds) and then another several years later. The second one passes a few years ago when my son was a little over 2. He loved the dog as much as we did, and loosing her was so hard that we decided to have another baby instead of a dog. I think I’ll eventually get another dog, because they do bring a family so much love, companionship and comfort that it makes the first year and loss bearable… But I’ll def wait until there are no more toddlers in the house first! ๐
We already have a dog that is a wonderful family companion. That helped me to deal with the puppy as well, because I knew that at some point in her life she will become a good friend as the old dog has… but till then, well, the road has been very bumpy and uncomfortable.
I did know how much my husband wanted that dog so the ultimatum was my last option but I was SO CLOSE to use it. I think, one more month or so. I totally understand what you mom was going through and that is not fun.
We definitely want to have more dogs in the future but for now we are done…
Thank you for writing this post, it’s definitely something more people should be aware of! ๐
I always wanted a cat but my mom doesn’t like them, so the first thing I did when I moved out (obviously!) was to get a kitten! She was almost feral and it took 1 week to coax her out from under the bed, but she definitely kept me from feeling too lonely while my boyfriend (now husband) was in the Army. Sheba didn’t like it when he came home on leave and only really warmed up to him 10 years or so later!! ๐ She was definitely “my” cat. Our next pet was also a rescued kitten … this one actually still needed 2 hourly feedings with a dropper and special mixture (recipe from SPCA). Alex would take her to work with him until she got old enough to eat solids and stay home with our “old lady” Sheba. By the time Sheba died we’d added 2 children to the family too … and then got a tom cat to keep the other male cats away from our house. THAT’S a post on its own!!
Both Alex and I have always loved dogs and had them as children, but we had no illusions as to what it meant to look after a puppy! Cats are pretty self-sufficient, dogs are just like babies and need a LOT of care, that’s why we’d agreed to wait until we moved to a bigger house with a larger yard …. but then Fate intervened. My husband called me to say that his boss had nearly run over a tiny puppy and had brought her to the office. He wanted us to adopt her. I spent 30 mins on the phone telling him why it wasn’t a good idea to bring her home …. but he did anyway and (as he knew I would) I totally melted at the sight of that tiny bundle. I kept praying she wouldn’t grow too big … and she eventually became the size of a Border Collie. A few years later it was my turn … I rescued a puppy from a bunch of kids who were mistreating her … and just told my hubby that I’d be bringing home puppy number 2!
Thank God in April we were able to move into a bigger home, because now we share our home with 2 cats, 2 kids, 2 medium-sized dogs and 1 mother-in-law!! ๐
Wow, you’ve got a story on your own. We do live VERY crowded these days but hoping to move pretty soon, and honestly, I can’t wait for that day. Our apartment is way too small for this amount of creatures.
I LOVE your honesty! We love animals, however, we don’t have any pets yet. I’m hoping that once the girls get a little older, I will have more time to take care of another family member. I’m so glad that you’ve found peace with your pup now!
Jen ๐
Jennifer, the peace is not yet in my heart.
It is way better than it used to be. The puppy is like a different dog, but still, we do have some issues with her, and still not enough time to make her as tired as she should be, because in this case the saying : “tired dog is a happy dog” is the brutal truth. But to make her tired it takes a half a day of running and playing, and that is just impossible for us.
She is a good dog in general, I can’t complain. After the training she has received I couldn’t believe she is the same dog. I am proud of her! I know there are better days to come for all of us.
My dog is always referred to as my first baby. He is the light of my life and my children are madly deeply in love with him. This said, we did a ton of research before we got him to be sure we found a breed that was a good fit for our family. An Australian Shepherd, lots of energy but amazing with children. We got Finnegan at 8 weeks old the exact time I became pregnant for the first time. It was way easier to raise a puppy before there were children in the house. I tell all my friends either you get a puppy before kids or you should wait till your kids are like 4-5 because otherwise it’s way too overwhelming. I always vote for puppy first because there is nothing sweeter then a good dog and his baby!
Our first kid was raised with a very good and calm dog. She was like a second mother to her, always close by, always listening for the baby’s cry, and the firstborn just LOVES pets.
When for our second child dog means trouble and being hurt. Even today she is afraid of the dogs and she does not like them as much as our first… but with everything calming down I can see her attitude towards dogs has changed as well.
And you’re right puppy and small kids at the same time is not a good idea!
Thank you, Ewa! I am under heavy pressure, but based on the experiences with cat/fish/gerbil/hamster/praying manta, I just knew in my gut that we can’t take on a dog until the kids are a little older. That having been said, it sounds like you are past the worst and can now enjoy. I’m sure that your dogs will be a BIG part of your daughters’ memories of their early years!
Jennifer,
my kids both like the dogs these days. the little one is still litte frustrated when being run over by the puppy but itโs nothing like it used to be.
A few days ago I saw her giving a big hug to the Old Lady and it was just sweet.
I know that it might have been a good time for my husband to get a dog but it was not for us a family.
Yes, we are past the crazy time and now it is way better and we are much happier and relaxed.
Beautifully written, Ewa. I know how difficult this time has been for you. You are not an easily frustrated person. Dog #2 was a lot to handle with everything else going on. …and let’s face it…no one will ever stand up to Di. Glad things are settling down a bit. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time.
xoxoxo
Oh Arline, youโre so rightโฆ NO ONE, and I repeat, NO ONE, will ever stand up to Di ! I love her so much I donโt know how I could let her go. I hated myself for doing that, as well. But we had to and I knew how bad J. wanted the new dog.
Anyway, our Little Miss M. just got certified and since yesterday she is a certified detection dog. She finally has a purpose in her life and you can see how much she loves it!!!
I am proud of her, of course, but if you look closely you can see that I am not very close with her anyway. I still prefer to snuggle with the Old Lady while receiving her stinky kisses!
I live out in the country, and we have 2 sons. We feel like we are dog people, and someday, we want to get one. But I am just no where near ready. For one, I only want to potty train one living thing at a time. I am in the thick of it potty training my son right now, and this morning I said to my husband, “Thank goodness we don’t have a pet. I would lose my mind.”
I appreciate your honesty and caution, and I am also glad the story has a happy ending.
I KNOW!!! The potty training thing is just like with humans. Sometimes they get it so fast it’s crazy…
Sometimes it takes years of hard work and patience, and you actually never know which is going to be.
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot the last few months with the new dog. Yikes Ewa!
My oldest keeps begging for a “small” dog, but I keep reminding her that until she can prove her responsibilities with the fish she now has, there is no way we will even consider a dog.
As Tara mentions above, I think I would lose my mind if I had one more living creature to keep an eye on in our household! Thank you for sharing your perspective so honestly ๐
Eva, I remember as a young girl my sister got a puppy for her b-day (without our parents permission). they said she can keep it if we take the responsibility for him, and we did but only till we all went to colleges and moved out, then, as old people, they were left with that dog and they didn’t really like it.
I know that kids always want some animals and I believe that it is a good thing to raise kids in an animal friendly environment but the idea of what kind of animal and when should be though through as you would while deciding for another baby.