I had my third baby when I was 41. Many people told me I was bonkers and a few refused to congratulate me, but those who knew how it felt to long for a baby, whether that baby was number one or number six, were as delighted as I was.
I was unfit, I knew that once the baby came I would feel tired, and I knew that I would have no time to myself. We already had one son who felt secure with strong boundaries and a gazillion hugs a day, and another who felt truly secure only while he was attached to my body. I knew that I would have to take each day, each hour, perhaps each minute as it came.
This was my self-imposed Everest: to give completely of myself until all the boys chose to pull away from me or manage my small nudges out of the nest, in order that they properly develop their wings. I figured things would begin to get somewhat easier at around the 18 month to two year mark. A friend, who had also had a third baby in her 40s, said it would take four years. I didn’t believe her.
I hadn’t counted on a 24 hour labour followed by a massive bleed on the operating table during an emergency C-Section. I hadn’t planned on premenopausal bodily hiccups. I never imagined I’d feel like I was churning through porridge day after day, after day, after day. But that’s what I got.
Just before Christmas last year I could stand it no longer. I was barely functioning, and I truly felt like this level of energy was my lot. I had three energetic and wonderful boys who needed a Mum with some oomph and pizzazz. I did a breathing rate test off the internet, and my results were worse than a heavy smoker and the same as someone in heart-failure. I went to the doctor.
It was then that I discovered that my iron and haemoglobin levels were extremely low – I joke that I was three quarters dead. Thankfully, my vitamin B levels were fine, my thyroid was doing its happy dance, and I passed the depression test. I got my iron levels sorted and began to feel a bit better.
Still, I wasn’t feeling great and I did wonder, again, if this amount of energy was my lot.
I tweaked my diet. I began rising earlier and going to bed at the same time as the boys. Our baby turned three and a half, and then three and three quarters.
And now, finally, after close to four years, I am almost back to myself. I cannot possibly regret having a gorgeous and much loved child in my 40s. I cannot possibly regret any of the time or energy I have put into any of my beautiful boys. But I can tell you this in complete confidence:
I am damned pleased to be on this side of the mountain!
How did life events affect how you coped with parenting your babies and toddlers?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our contributor in New Zealand, Karyn.
The image used in this post is credited to Lindsey Turner. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
I was told I wouldn’t be able to conceive without medical intervention so my first baby took us completely by surprise. As thrilled as we were to have conceived this “miracle” baby, we were not prepared for the financial and physical implications. I ended up needing an emergency C-section and nearly died from blood-loss. This was followed by post-partum depression (mine) and serious projectile vomiting + diarrhoea (my new baby)! Add to that the fact that we were living with my grandparents, and you pretty much have the “perfect storm” of misery!
Fast forward 3.5 years and my daughter’s birth (also by emergency C-section) went a lot better. I didn’t hemorrhage and didn’t get PPD. She was healthy. We lived in our own home. There is NO comparison between my first experience of motherhood and my second!
I seriously considered having a third child when I was 40. When you have 2 same sex children, people understand you wanting another child (because they assume you’re looking for the opposite sex to what you already have). When you have a boy and a girl NOBODY understands why you’d possibly want a 3rd!! In the end I gave up on the idea – mainly because my husband wasn’t willing to go through the baby stage again – especially because my youngest child was already 13 years old!
Oh Simona! That’s quite a journey you’ve had. I know what you mean about that *need* for another child…I have friends who hunger for their 6th and other who knew they were done after one…there simply is no explaining it, is there?
I have 3 energetic little ones and I feel old and tired at 36! I can’t imagine having my 3rd at 41! I guess I have 2.5 years to go before I’m back to normal. Oh my!
LOL It’s tiring what ever age we’re at! I just figure I’m taking longer to recover and find my zing because I’m that little bit older. 😀
My brother was born when my mom was 39. He is younger than me, and my mom felt exhausted and tired, but my brother ended up being thre greatest thing that happened to me- especially when I was the one to talk my parents into having another baby! Now I am approaching 31, and am done having children, I have 2 girls and a boy and am also tired… Seriously, there is the right time for children, and this time is different for everybody.
You are so right! It’s good that we all seem to know when we’re done!
I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second child, and I am 26 years old. This pregnancy has been a trial unlike anything I had ever anticipated. I have a rare disease called Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is a severely debilitating disease that takes morning sickness to a whole new meaning. I have lost 50lbs since a week after I conceived, and am still down 30lbs. I have been to the hospital at least two dozen times for IV hydration and malnutrition, and have been admitted for multiple day stays 7 times. There were many points in this pregnancy that we were not sure if the baby would make it, and some circumstances where my own health was questionable. As of right now, I am praying and praying this pregnancy ends soon. HG is notorious for a 3rd trimester relapse, and here I am suffering once more. At this point, it has been weeks since I have slept longer than an hour, and I often worry if I will even have the energy to push a child out. Life events and pregnancy complications can hit us all, not matter how healthy you started out, how young, or how old. But it makes us stronger. I am a firm believer of that! I have to be, or I would have lost my sanity months ago!
http://www.helpher.org/
Oh my, Kay! That sounds like a really hard process to get through. You are right, of course, different things can cause us to struggle no matter our age. Take care and let us know how you get on. xx
Thank you! Ugh, this pregnancy is just dragging on! There are many woman who have HG that continue on having children even though they suffer because it is what they want. I am very glad you went for the third child despite the naysayers because it is your choice!
Glad you have spoken clearly and positively about being an ‘older mum’. When I had my first child I was 28 which was considered at that time to be ‘old’ to begin a family, so I had to go to a specialist, here in Auckland. I was 43 when I had our seventh child and this was considered with embarrassment by some family members, and discouraged with stories of the increase in likelihood of difficulties for me and risks for the baby. As you have stated, it needs more recovery time and understanding that with older age and more kids you must live differently. Being a parent is a day-by-day learning experience. All our kids, thank God are healthy vibrant adults, the last 2 still in their teenage years. I would do it all again with great happiness.
Cathy Turner
http://www.thisweekwiththekids.blogspot.com
Hi Cathy!
I wonder if that discomfort with older Mums is a Kiwi thing? I had such a strong negative reaction when I got pregnant…unbelievable really. So cool that you stopped by and shared your story, thanks. 😀
Wonderful post! And kudos for making it over the mountain. Now you have 3 companions following you down with smiles on their faces. Yay!
As for me, I had both my boys in my 30’s. I got into the best shape of my life after I had my 1st son, and I was really worried I couldn’t maintain that once I had another baby. And I was right. I can’t maintain that level of fitness. But I am not doing to shabby either. I have come to accept that as I age, I do need to get more sleep, watch what I eat, and fit in exercise, even it’s a short walk. it all adds up to a happier, healthier mommy. But I don’t stress out over not being what I once was either, because that just distracts from the beauty of my every day. My youngest is 3 yrs old, and once we get potty training settled, I will feel over the mountain.
Tara, it’s awesome that you’ve maintained that fitness… I really do think that could be the biggest mistake I’ve made.
Yeah, potty training. It’s probably the other side. 😀
I have been looking forward to reading this all day, Karyn. So, here I am at 10:15pm at night with my cup of tea, at my desk (!) and finally happy to get to read it. My youngest is just over 2 years old. I thought it was 2 years to be back to normal, or at least the new normal. Thanks for saying 4 years — that makes me feel better!
I’m pretty sure we have completed our family at 2 children. I feel at the other side of the mountain, too. Now all my energy goes into to guiding the two little girls that are under my wing! Tonight my 6 year old and I were up late trying to name all of the world’s languages that we knew. It made me feel like I know so little about the world when we quickly ran out of languages we knew!
I’m happy for you, Karyn. Thank you for being open and honest with your story!!
Jen 🙂
Thanks, Jen!
I’m pleased you enjoyed my story. I love hearing the snippets of your life that you share with us – WMB is such fun!
Great post Karyn,
My mom was 43 when she had her first child, my brother, and then 45 when she had me. That was back in the mid-60’s when women did not do that! I marvel at it all the time, and do remember being really little and wondering why on earth someone had just asked my mother she was my grandmother! It could not have been easy for her!
No, it can’t have been! Wow, qudos to her! It’s not so bad for me, I am blesssed with the kind of genes that hide my age….Craig gets it a bit though, he’s now 49 and very grey and he too has been asked if he is the boys grandfather. Yikes.
Four years, you say? My daughter just turned 3 (I was 35), and I have just started to think about me (with you as my inspiration to start – so thank you Karyn). I have started to pay more attention to my diet, and exercise more. I have even started to do my nails every once in a while. It’s amazing what something as silly as that makes you feel better about yourself. Dealing with a toddler and a baby had been so exhausting, that I though it would be easier when she was 2. It hasn’t gotten there yet, but as Tara says once the potty training is 100% done, then we’ll be over that hump. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
Yup! It’s those long days…hard work sometimes no matter how much we love our kids. So pleased you’re finding some time to yourself now. xx
Wow, Karyn. You’re a one tough and brave cookie!
I had my two kids before I hit 30 and I couldn’t stand the vision of being pregnant one more time. As a husband and wife we are done making babies 🙂
But if our situation improves we plan to adopt.
It was one of those things that just seemed to happen to us, Ewa!
Good for you, considering adoption. That’s a fabulous idea.
What a gorgeous and honest post! I’m glad you sorted it all out. It’s not just your boys who need you at full strength! XOXO Jennifer
Thanks, Jennifer! AND YUP, I need to be strong for me too. 😀
What great writing! My favorite line is “This was my self-imposed Everest” – how well put. It is funny how in life things happen that we didn’t plan – we had in our mind how things would go and life throws us a curve ball. I think it is so utterly important to try and “go with the flow” as the old saying goes. If we fight the universe and pout because things aren’t going the way we want them too, I believe things will just inevitably get harder.
I am glad you are at a point were things are going smoothly. I salute you woman! Nice to see you’ve made it to a point of clarity and a point where you are comfortable in your own skin and environment.
I am obnoxiously content in my skin, these days Courtney!
Thanks so much for your kind words all about the internet…they are much appreciated. xx
This is such a great post, Karyn! Just yesterday, I was thinking about how unfit I am right now to carry baby #2. I just sorta let myself go after having the first one and getting married and all. But we’ve been talking about it and maybe within the next couple of years, we’d like to have a go at it again. I’m only 30, and I know I can totally get myself back in shape and back on track with a little bit (or maybe a lot?) of motivation. Your post just made me realize that it’s never too late, and that I should really start now. That, and it would be nice to actually be able to run after my kid and be able to catch him once in a while haha.
I dunno about never too late…I’m 45 now and there’s no waaaaay I’m having another baby!
That said, there is still plenty of time when you’re 30. All the best for that running thing, I never got the hang of it myself. 😀
That would be like me falling pregnant now, the thought scares me silly. My grandson is two and after a weekend with him I’m exhausted. Then again my sister-in-law had her first baby last week at the age of 42.
We do what is right for us and sometimes even if we don’t plan it, we make the best of what we must in every stage and facet of motherhood.
What a wonderful story to share 🙂
Thanks, Fi!
Yes, I have friends who are grandparents…I always tell them they are much older than me. 😉
WOW Karyn, this post is just so beautifully written!
I’ve been having some serious baby fever lately but was quite worried about being pregnant again with me being 34 but this post is just what I needed to read today.
Thank you so much for such an honest post.
I had my first when almost 34, Maureen…plenty of time, plenty of time… xx
After our first son, we chose for adoption, with all our heart. We were really ready to take this challenge. Even after the obligatory (and very good!) preparatory courses, with all the scary stories, we felt up to it. We waited four years for our daughter to finally arrive. She was 2.5 yo at the time.
The first year she was home, I felt like I was the stupidest woman on earth. How could I have thought I could manage this? How could I have been so naive? I kept on hearing my mother-in-law in the back of my head: “Why would you adopt? You are so happy now!” Implying we wouldn’t be happy anymore. And indeed, it felt like that.
And to be honest, I believe I might have been too young. I was 29 yo when she arrived. I often wished I would have been older and wiser. With better self control and all, able to see the good things in a bad situation. And not in the middle of my career going exponential. I don’t understand why people think you should be young to have children. I think the opposite has quite some benefits as well.
To me, the first year didn’t even feel like a mountain that we should overcome. It felt like a severe earthquake that tore our house down and made cracks in the earth. I just wanted to survive. More than once, I felt we were on the edge of one of these earth cracks, trying not to fall down and perish.
And the hardest thing in all this, was to admit it. We had been longing for this child for FOUR years! A lot of other people, most of them not able to have biological children, were still waiting for their adopted child. So we were supposed to be happy!. And most of all, I couldn’t confess to my mother-in-law about it, no way!
Fortunately, I had my blog (in dutch). While in the beginning I wrote about the small nice things, I started writing about the hardship as well. I think that has been my save. On one hand, it was a kind of therapy. Writing down exactly what was so hard, analyzing why I felt so incredibly bad. That already helped to put things into perspective. But the best part were the responses of other adoptive parents. They could relate! I wasn’t the only one! They didn’t blame me one bit! They even thanked me for writing it down.
Now, my mother-in-law is our biggest supporter. I believe she loves her adopted granddaughter most of all.
Now, our daughter is with us for 21 months. She is 4 yo now. A year ago, I wouldn’t have believed the earthcracks would close one day. But they did! She still is a challenging child, due to her temperament and her adoption issues. But how I love her! She is the most amazing human being I know.
Now, I don’t regret our decision to adopt anymore. It is the best thing that has happened to us and it has thought me great deal about myself.
But I don’t want to go back to that first year. NO WAY!
Wow, Katinka! That’s quite some story; thanks so much for sharing it here.
I can well imagine the earthquake that rolled in through your life – so very pleased that the earth has settled a little for you now. 😀