Before I got pregnant, I had one fear, and it was never about childbirth: I was terrified of breastfeeding. I am not sure where it came from, or what specifically made me go into panic mode about it, but it almost looked unnatural to me. Having spent so much time in Asia, breastfeeding was just not seen or done much in public. I also don’t have many younger cousins, so naturally, I wasn’t exposed to it.
When I got pregnant, I spent months plagued with anxiety, researching and keeping my breastfeeding fears to myself. I finally blurted it all out during a big, pregnant “I-am-not-fit-to-be-a-Mother” meltdown in front of my husband. He tried not to laugh, and asked “Is this your only concern?” I had to pause, and think. Well, yes, I was set about everything else. But for some reason, breastfeeding just freaked me out!
By the time I was 6 months pregnant, I sat down with my OBGYN and expressed my fear. She looked at me, perplexed; she said that breastfeeding was “natural” and stated it was best for the baby. My fears were completely dismissed, and I left that office feeling stupid.
In Vancouver there is a whole hospital dedicated to all things related to female bits. Aptly, it is called The Women’s Hospital. But, I never really felt they were there to help or support women, or their fears. Instead it was like “Have your baby, put them on the breast and then get out.” No, there isn’t anything wrong with it, but women do carry a huge weight, especially when everything about pregnancy is unknown territory.
I felt like the greatness of breastfeeding was shoved down my throat, no matter to whom I spoke. I felt that breastfeeding was my only option. I had sleepless nights; I had anxiety that I would not be able to produce enough milk; I was terrified. I was given endless numbers for lactation consultants, and nurses, but all gave me the same feeling: I would be a bad Mother if I didn’t breast feed.
At one point, I called my mother long distance and cried. She didn’t laugh, she simply said “Everything about having a baby is scary. Listen to your body, be your own advocate.”
My mother (bless her heart) had all of us on posting, or in between postings. Now to understand my family background, my Great Aunt was one of the first female doctors in Canada to write about breast feeding, nutrition and formula. My Grandmother was a nurse who advocated for Canadian hospitals to allow men in the delivery room. My Mother breast fed all of us, and well, she bit her lip in horror at my anxiety!
After giving birth naturally, I was admitted into the high risk room of Women’s Hospital in Vancouver. I had over a dozen people standing over me, lecturing me about breastfeeding, watching me. I was told I would have to put my son on me every 2 hours to get him used to nursing. I obliged and religiously followed the breastfeeding instructions.
As a new Mother, I was plagued with doubt worry, especially over bodily functions I had never before experienced.
For two days in the hospital, I had a crazy male nurse named Money, who coached me through my new role as a milk machine. I have to admit, dear old Money was the best nurse and cheerleader anybody could ask for!
A week after giving birth, I had a massive bleed out. I called the doctor and went to the hospital, in one week I saw a handful of various doctors. I had a massive infection and had to go in for surgery. I kept on nursing, but my son would stay on me crying for hours. I never got a break.
When I finally went to a pediatricians office, before going in for surgery, I broke down in tears in the doctor’s office. I told this wise older Doctor that our son was on me for hours at a time and crying. I rambled on about feeling like a bad Mother because I felt my son needed more food. It was the pediatrician who intervened. It turned out that my massive bleed out shut down my milk production, but not one doctor that I saw during my week of visits clued this in. My son was starving, and because the hospital made me feel that I was a bad Mother if I gave my son a drop of formula, I never thought that I was not producing enough food for my son. I was immediately plagued with guilt, but also relief. This doctor finally understood my deep fears, and I guess I finally understood mine.
The pediatrician, sat me down, gave me a prescription for medication to help with getting my production back, telling me that with my bleed out, I needed to keep nursing to keep my uterus contracting. He then kindly gave us a bottle of formula to feed our son right there in the room. He put a hand on my shoulder and said,
“Don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad Mother. You are doing everything right, and supplementing with formula will not hurt your baby.” For the first time in over a week, my son was happy and full, and slept for more than 20 minutes.
For the first time, I was hyper-aware of just how extreme the pro-breastfeeding movement was in Vancouver. I met more women just like me, on medication, and terrified to admit that they had to substitute with formula. A friend recounted at the hospital how she was forced to try nursing with her second child (she had previously had a double mastectomy), but kept on telling everyone that she couldn’t produce milk. They gave her lectures and made her fear for her baby’s health. She also never went out and about with a bottle, and she would have complete strangers screaming at her about her being a horrible mother for giving her baby formula.
I did keep on nursing, and was blessed with a ridiculous amount of milk after being on medication. Still, I was horrified that with all of the pro-breastfeeding and the hyper-awareness of babies health, that in my circumstance, it took so long for someone to clue in that a bleed out would, or could, shut down my milk production.
Why are women so harshly judged over something that in some instances, can’t be helped?
This is an original post by Travel Lady with Baby from Vancouver, Canada. You can also find her on her personal site,Travel Lady with Baby.
The image used in this post is attributed to http://www.flickr.com/photos/44068064@N04/4800982099/in/photostream/. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!! I had the same problem in South Africa … except that I DESPERATELY wanted to have a natural birth without medication and wanted to breastfeed exclusively!
Unfortuantely it was not to be. My son was delivered by emergency C-Section, I nearly bled to death on the operating table and (despite medication and my best efforts) I NEVER managed to produce enough milk to satisfy my large baby’s appetite! 🙁 When my nipples started bleeding and my son developed oral thrush, I admitted defeat, and switched to bottle-feeding exclusively. If I remember correctly my son was about 6 weeks old.
We had both SUFFERED both physically and emotionally for 6 whole weeks because I’d been “brainwashed” into believing that I would be handicapping my son for life if I didn’t breastfeed exclusively for a MINIMUM of 3 months!! 🙁
Please don’t misunderstand me, I would have LOVED to have been ABLE to do that, but I couldn’t! As much as breast milk is beneficial for a baby … a mother who is happy, relaxed and healthy is much MORE of a benefit for the baby!!
This topic, again, fits in to the fact that each body is different and what works like a charm for one mom & child just doesn’t work for another! My second child was also delivered by C-section, but this time I didn’t lose too much blood and was actually able to breastfeed (with formula supplement) until she was 3 months old.
My son in a happy & healthy 19 year old and my daughter is now a happy and healthy 16 year old. NEITHER of them remembers when I did (or didn’t, as the case may be) breastfeed them and there is NO cognitive, emotional or physical difference between the one who was barely breastfed at all and the one who got to breastfed on demand!!
Thank you for sharing that! I wish I knew you 2 years ago. I am not sure why we go from one extreme to another, but letting a Mother be happy and healthy is so important. After almost dying myself, and then being left to fend for myself after getting a blood transfusion, they still made me breast feed in the hospital, and during my blood transfusion. They put me on medication, and I was that rare percent that overproduced once on it. I now tell friends to always go with their gut, and to never think that their fears are irrational.
My jaw is on the floor. How can we swing from one extreme (formula is best for baby) to such the other extreme?
I’m so glad for you mom and for your pediatrician. At least someone had some sense!
Our Pediatrician rocked, I don’t think I had ever sobbed as hard as I did in his office. First time parents go through so much emotion, and you tend to follow the garbage that is spoon fed to you, because you just want the best for your baby. If I had to do it all over again, I would have listened to myself more. My surprise, was that it was women in general who were just mean about it.
My heart goes out to you. in saudi things are just starting to go back to the breast is best mentality. Of course my grandmothers generation think breastfeeding for less than a year is child abuse but they would tut and shake their heads at you but in the end leave you be. my mothers generation hardly ever breast fed. I was lucky that it came easily for me but i will never forget when one of my sister was sat in her room crying after her baby vomitted blood because both her nipples were bleeding and infected after endless amounts of time trying to breast feed because people were telling her she had to. She was so upset since giving birth because it wasnt going well. Her baby was upset because she wasnt ever full! I told her to just give her baby a bottle and enjoy her being full and happy and not having to throw up blood anymore. Also, after watching my sister try for months on end to produce more than 40ml of milk for her premature baby at a go (she tried everything from herbs to medication to hours of pumping and nothing was happening) I know that for some people it just doesnt happen. No one will love your baby more than you do so don’t let them get to you.
It is so wrong to have pressure to do anything without true support. I had a similar situation after my third son was born via emergency c-section and the dr cut the artery to my uterus by mistake and I had a massive bleed on the operating table. My baby fed on formula for 24 hours, as he too was starving, but he was my third baby and I had the support and skills to go on to feed him for 20 months. I am very passionate about many things around parenting, but supporting women properly is at the top of my list. This story was horrifying for me, and so important to share. Thankyou.
Did you read my posts on breastfeeding? I feel that this is a HUGE problem in our society. People are told “do it” but not given any info on HOW.
I am deeply disappointed in BC Women’s especially because they really failed a friend of mine. They never told her about cluster feeding, never told her that breastfeeding is a supply and demand system, and never told her that counting diapers is a good way to be sure that the baby is getting what it needs. So when she started worrying that her baby wasn’t getting enough milk she put it on formula right away, not knowing that she was wrecking her own chances at breastfeeding successfully. And she wanted to breastfeed SO badly. But she got zero support!
How are women supposed to do it if no one can teach them the first thing about it?
I had fantastic support at Royal Columbian. I was so lucky.
I read this post and kept thinking…Travel Lady with Baby has to meet Carol from If By Yes!!
Travel Lady — wow — on your family Canadian history re: women’s health!
For me the craziest advocate for breastfeeding was me. I was so determined to figure out how my body worked, and I pushed through a lot of obstacles. I can definitely get too hard on myself when I set my mind to something.
When it’s my daughter’s turn, I’ve got to say that she has to do what is best for her and her baby. Every woman is different!
Jen 🙂