Buzzzz…….Buzzzz…… It is 5 a.m., and my alarm clock just buzzes away. I hit snooze one too many times, and I have that same thought cross my mind as it does every morning. I wish I could call out of work today…… But, I never do.
I have been working on Wall Street for over 15 years, and something in my nature always keeps me going.
I commonly refer to myself as a “worker bee.” The worker bee in me has been married for eleven years, waited to have a baby for six years and then went through another three years of trying before our little miracle was conceived.
I pat myself on the back when I tell people I never took a single sick day while pregnant as an example of dedication to my job.
I also continued my typical schedule during the entire pregnancy of going to bed at midnight and waking up at 5 a.m. How do I do it? Why do I do it? When will I stay home with my baby? These are the common questions I hear from friends and family at functions, parties and holiday get-togethers.
I tell people I love New York City, the thrill of sales and trading and I couldn’t picture my life any different. What they don’t know is that I lay in bed many a night or early morning, and I stare at the ceiling contemplating my answers and guilty feelings. The mama bee has thoughts of panic to sadness to indifference all at once. What does that say about me?
I have always dedicated my life to my job and career, pushing aside trying to have a baby for years because a child didn’t fit into my busy sales job. My typical week involved taking clients out to dinner at least twice, and I also traveled once a month to different parts of the country like California and Chicago.
My quote “maybe next year” was the common response I gave when people asked me when we were going to have children. I like to recall the story of visiting my mom at work, and her coworkers asked if I was the daughter with the new little baby girl. She responded,
“No, this is my daughter Jeni, she won’t be having kids because she works in New York City.”
She meant no harm by the comment, and she was very proud of my job and the success I had. However, she jokingly would say she didn’t always see me as the “motherly” type, and I should stick with working and not babies. I often wondered if she was only half joking with her comments and if she was really serious. I think it was a little bit of both.
So, here I am with a beautiful and healthy one year old little boy. He is absolutely amazing, and I do feel like I am in a new and special club. For years, I heard from people how “your life changes” and “it’s a miracle.” I have to agree – 110%!
When I leave my suburban NJ house each morning, I often feel tired, as I prepare for my 1 hour and 20 minute commute and 10 hour work day on the trading floor, but I hardly ever feel sad.
Most people ask me if I feel sad, and I honestly do not. I have work to do after all! I sit on the bus and plan out my day and dream about all the things I could do if I was home with my son instead of working. When I walk in the door at night, I play with my son, feed him dinner, and then it is bath and bed time.
I like to think of this as my mama-busy bee part of the day. I typically sit down to relax around 10 p.m. and fill those last two hours by watching some of my favorite recorded shows. Of course, there are many things that still need to be done, but I can’t possibly do it all. There is always tomorrow……
Writing down my thoughts is refreshing, yet, I don’t really have the answers to all the questions I have asked. What do panic, sadness and indifference all at once really mean? I think as a working mom these are feelings that will come and go constantly depending on the day, the crisis or the amount of honey that needs to be made.
I am so new to motherhood, and I am trying to balance out the work that needs to be done along with the emotions in my heart. I often wonder if it will get easier, but a part of me thinks the challenges will only get harder. Can I really keep up with the commute and long hours if I want more children in life? I guess only time will tell.
I find it a bit ironic in nature when you look at the caste system that exists within a honey bee colony. All of the bees within the colony are females that are responsible for feeding, cleaning, nursing and defending the group. The male drones serve one purpose only and that is to mate with the Queen. Is that concept that far fetched in real life?!
The Queen does not actually do any work except lay eggs. Her every need is attended to by the workers. I think we would all like to be Queen Bee for a day. But can you ever be a Queen as a mother?
I like to think of myself as a Mama Bee, a bee that is part Queen, part worker and ultimately very busy. If there was a new category of bees perhaps it would be something like Balancing Bee. Moms are the key to providing balance in the family, and at the end of the day, we deliver something sweet – a loving and happy family. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Do you ever find yourself questioning your decision to be a working mother or a stay at home mother?
This is an original guest post for World Moms Blog by Jennifer D’Ambrosio in New Jersey, USA. Jennifer is a working-mom on Wall St. and is a fan of World Moms Blog!
Photo credit to Abeer. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Wow! You are a busy woman! Your son is lucky to have a mom who is such a dedicated and hard working person. I’m sure those work qualities carry over into your mothering and that the time you get to spend with him is wonderful and meaningful.
Thank you Erika. I try my best to be the best mom I can. Even if that means I can’t stay home with my little guy!
Wow Jennifer – I feel like you have written the story of my life in this post! I actually left Wall Street (quite coincidentally) when I first became pregnant with my son to go to a vendor software firm. So I was still very involved with the Wall St firms but my hours were not as intense by the time he was born, but I do have quite a bit of traveling to do (am writing my next post on this very topic), and have the “luxury” of doing the late hours at home once the kids are in bed. Even so, there have been many days where I was ready to quit it all to stay at home with my children, esp when my son first started talking. One night he was talking in his sleep and saying “please mommy, stay home today, please don’t go to work”. As soon as I heard that, I cried and turned to my husband and declared that I was quitting my job! Alas, I’m still here (we actually live in NYC, and need the second income to survive private schools)! I am constantly battling the panic, sadness and indifference all at once, and wonder how can I make it better. Let me tell you, adding a second child into the mix makes only intensifies all of these feelings, and make it harder to go to work (even though, like you, I actually enjoy work once I am there). I have managed to find a (sort of) balance, by taking “mommy Fridays” off and being with the kids, but this adds another level of balancing into the mix, because I am still expected to do 5 days worth of work, even though I am only working 4 days. We all do what’s best for our families in the end, and being a mother is nothing short of a miracle worker – and I don’t think there is any bee that can do that!
My biggest fear is the day my son says those words to me! I think that is great that you can work 4 days instead of 5. But as you said, you are expected to do 5 days of work! I know a few moms in sales and trading that have this arrangement and they tend to stay later on the nights that they are in the office yet they still get a reduction in salary and bonus. I also have a very good friend that works 4 days from home and she said it can be so much harder and time consuming. Yes, she can work in her PJ’s and throw laundry in while working, but she is always logged into her computer and reading emails until way after 5:00. She does not have the separation from work and home life which is another topic to discuss! The bottom line is we all have to do what is needed for personal or financial reasons – and I think our children will love us just the same…….no matter what we decide. 🙂
I’m a working mother and I have never questionned that decision. In canada we get a year of maternity leave so that year gave me a chance to find out what it would be like to stay at home. I hated it. I suffered with PPD throughout that year and struggled to stay afloat. Once I returned to work I found my happiness again, my sense of self, and was happy to have a goal each day.
I love my daughter completely, but I love my job as well.
I know a few women that “retired” and came back! I myself question whether or not I would truly enjoy staying home. I lost my job during the credit crisis and I found my 7 months home to be the most unproductive days of my life! I think I function better with less time and I found out that I need structure. I was actually shocked that I didn’t work out more, organize my home, finish projects and do all the things I “dreamed” about during my morning commute. I know having a baby is different then being unemployed and having all the time in the world to basically do nothing, but I feel like I need that alarm clock to go off at 5:00, because without it I was actually a procrastinator. Which was shocking to me!!!
Hi Jen,
Thank you for guest posting, and for sharing your feelings with us! I did the same thing — kept putting off having kids until I was ready. But, are we ever really ready? It’s more of a plunge you just have to take, I found out!
There really is no right or wrong answer when it comes to staying at home or working, right? What works for one mom doesn’t work for all because we are all so different and all have different stimuli, needs and ideas. I think you are similar to a lot of moms, and that many will relate to your questioning!
I’m a stay-at-home mom. This works for me, but what I found is that I needed to keep busy. I made sure I had something to do every morning, so we would get dressed and out the door and do social things. Otherwise, I could see myself never getting out of my pajamas! I found by staying home that I get more opportunities for my kids to see their family during the week, that our weeks can take us to places that we’ve never thought we’d go or do depending where the kids interests lie, and our daily lives are really woven together — whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I tend to take my kids EVERYWHERE with me. Hopefully, when my little one gets a little older, I can think about spending more time away with just me and my husband, but for now, that’s how we roll!
Jen
Jen – I think you are a wonderful mom and neighbor! You always post the most interesting things on FB like activities, recipes, etc. I always think – how does she have the time?! If I ever stay home one day I will need many tips…….. Thank you for letting me participate in this wonderful Blog! I have some more ideas for stories…..hopefully soon!
Awwww….thanks, Jen. I’m glad you like the blog, and are coming over to the other side by writing! 🙂
Jen 🙂
Your post made me think about post I’ve been wanting to write for some time! I am a stay-at-home-mom, but where I come from it’s not a good thing to be. My family every time I talk to them on the phone or on the skype reminds me that “I should get a job”, “I should be doing something, ane earning money”. I have only one child and in their opinion it should be my excuse to not to work. It’s not an excuse. I would like to work, but before we decided to have a child we’ve established that I’m gonna try to stay at home and take care of my husband (lol) and our child. Now I have the time and energy to bake and cook breakfasts, lunches and dinners for all of us. I clean almost every day (I’m a clean freak) and I have the time and energy to focuse on my daughter’s life. I’m liking it, but not my family back in Poland. My parents have never had a close relationhips with any of their children (3). We’ve been always strange people that happen to live together at the same house. My mom and my dad worked long hours and they even didn’t noticed we are all grown ups and now is too late to establish any close relationship… . I do not want to make their mistake!
Well I can totally relate! I am also 100% Polish. My parents were born in Poland so I am first generation. I think the work ethic comes from my parents and that has shaped the person that I am. The Polish mentality is definitely different. Growing up if you were caught napping you were called “Len” (pronounced Lane, for others that do not know) otherwise know as lazy! Something I was called quite often since I loved to nap, especially as a teenager! My dad’s mother was on a ladder painting the day she gave birth to my dad. Hello?!!! She is in her 80’s and can probably do any chore 100 times better than me! I understand exactly where you are coming from. I had a very close relationship with my mom who recently passed away but my father is like you described – not really close to any of us in an emotional way. He was very strict and we would get in trouble for things like laughing at the dinner table when we were kids! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job – baking, cleaning and taking photos! And you are making a big difference in your daughter’s life, which is ultimately the best thing you could ever do. I have actually read some of your Blogs and I think they are great!
oh.. yeah… I worked so hard to not to be called “leń” lol… and someday I just said… “you know what? nothing gonna make them (my parents) happy. my life is my life and I’m gonna do what makes me happy. if I want to be lazy I’m gonna be lazy. If I want to sweat my butt off I’m gonna do it as well” :). these days I try to make fun of my mom’s comments abut me looking for a job or having the opportunity to be lazy all days long (what’s of course it’s not true), but as you said: Polish mentality is different. If you don’t work you’re lazy and that’s all to it.
Thank you for your comment about my blog 🙂 I appreciate words like yours!
have a wonderful day!
Wow…that is some day!! I honestly don’t know how you do it.
As for me, I stay at home with my kids and haven’t regretted a second of it. We have made some sacrifices being a one income family, but I feel like we have gained more than we gave up. I wouldn’t change our decision at all. It was the right one for us, but it isn’t the right one for everyone. I have some friends who prefer to work full-time, some part-time and some stay home. They are all great moms and our kids all learn something different from us. There is always a positive and negative to whatever we do, but focusing on the positive aspects and doing what is right for you and your family can never be the wrong choice. We are lucky that we can even make these choices.
So, try to remind yourself not to waste your energy on feeling “panic, sadness or indifference” if you are doing what you want (Mom’s happiness matters, too!) and what is best for your family. You are too busy to have wasted energy, for one. Besides, your little boy will learn many things from you. He is lucky to have a Mom who can offer him so much and take such good care of him.
I think this is a question that many moms ponder. My mother and grandmother also thought that I was not the “mothering” type so were all surprised when I decided to stay home after the birth of our daughter and leave Corporate America. Fast forward 4 years and I am now dipping my toes back in the pool doing contract work part-time. I am finding that I miss my girls a lot – it is the little things like taking big girl to ballet class and seeing her dance around the room like a fairy. But am happy for the opportunity to refresh my resume. All the moms I work with think I have the ideal situation (I work 9 – 5 Monday – Thursday) but I am not 100% sure of that. I just feel lucky that I have the ability to make the choice.
I was not wall-street level go-getter but I certainly put work ahead of any baby aspirations, too. Interestingly, I see an apathy in younger women who are saying they do not want to take more ambitious opportunities because as you and many others are admitting…moms and families are loosing in the deal. It feels so wrong to have to have limited options for doing such an important job — raising our children. I think we are headed for the next leg of women’s movement — a mother’s movement. What good is advancing as a woman, if as a mother so much that we achieve can be so taken away? I enjoy working full-time now and I enjoy my job. But having my son in my life has me longing for more days like “Polish Mom” and fewer in front of a computer pushing paper. My dream is to go part time when my son is around 8 years old. If there is any lesson that women can take from bees, it’s one of cooperation.This each man for himself thing does not work when you are a mother with a child. It just doesn’t.
This is such an excellent post! You are the best Mama Bee he could ever ask for and only doing what is right so your son will have a fantastic future. I am very proud of you 🙂
Wow I was exhausted just reading about what you do each day. I was a stay at home mum the first years of my boys lives. With three of them I would have had to have been a brain surgeon to afford childcare.
I worked part time (school hours) and studied once my youngest went to school because I was going stir crazy sitting at home. It was as much for my peace of mind as it was being a well rounded mum for my children. My youngest was 10 years old before I started full time work.
Every mum has to do what works for them, but boy I don’t think I would have the energy to work the kind of day you do.
Thank you Fiona. It is 12:10 a.m. and I am enjoying my free time as we speak! Is it strange that I feel more tired when i get more sleep?! I understand the expense of childcare too. It is so expensive to have a nanny at our house with the hours that are necessary to cover my commute. My nanny is here before 6 a.m. and leaves around 6:30 pm. It’s a long day for her and me! I often wonder how long it will be before she burns out……..
Jen, I enjoyed reading your comments. As a former NYC Account Exec on Broadway for 10 years moving to a Suburban NJ town to raise a family was a shock for me. Now being home 5 yrs this week without making a $1 I know I was meant to be a stay at home mom. I miss the city terribly. Life is hectic at times yet very satisfying. Being the happy mother of two incredible little girls I am non stop all day whether it be activities for the girls, house keeping duties, cooking etc. I never stop. I like you get to watch my tivo about 9 pm every night and that is my quiet time. I am not up at 5am getting ready for work but do get awakening on occasion by the feel of those little hands and feet crawling onto my bed at 3am or being asked to help someone go potty at 4am. My day begins at 6:30 with my 3 yr old coming in my room with her handbag and stuffed animals thrown on top of me. I think no matter what we do our children will love us for who we are not what we choose to do. After all we are their only “MOM” .
I was exhausted reading this! What a lot you pack into each day. 🙂