A recent book, Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother, about the Chinese-American method of raising children, almost caused a hurricane in the parenting world. Many were quick to defend their own parenting styles, some supported the author, Prof. Amy Chua, and yet ,others maintained their peace.
Parenting styles are so varied in different cultures. For instance, in my homeland, India, we don’t think much about teaching our kids a thing or two with a stick handy. It is supposed to be for their ‘own good’.
In schools, they may be subjected to the ‘cane treatment’ if they haven’t done their homework, for talking in class or for general misbehaviour. At home, their parents may give them a slap or two if they disobey. Even the elders in the family have every right to chastise the kids of the house.
In fact, in India (and I believe in most of Asia) parents are considered to be in the right if they regularly chastise their kids, especially when there is company. Moms think nothing of listing out their kids’ ‘naughty’ deeds to anyone willing to listen, and then there is the joint judgement by the clan.
This notion is so widespread in India, that if a couple is found to be indulgent with their kids, the elders start grumbling, “Today’s kids! No wonder they all turn out bad with parents like this. It was different during our day. They will rue the day the child was born, if they don’t beat him into obedience now.”
Whereas, in the West things are the extreme opposite…
There, children are considered to be completely defenceless and, hence, sometimes protected even from their own parents by laws and lawmakers. A parent found to be beating his/her child may even find him/herself in the unenvious position of being hauled off by social workers to a Judge. I have often seen movies in which this particular trait of the West is portrayed poignantly, with kids and parents alike suffering through their losses and failures.
I once knew an Indian family who had 2 kids, a girl and a boy. Being Indians living in the Western world, they had no other option but to follow the strict rules in place there. However, as parents of two extremely mischievious kids, they were bone-tired of trying to discipline them through grounding and making them stay in their room. In fact, had they been in India, every mischievious deed would probably have been accompanied by a spanking from Mom or Dad.
I have often wondered why the huge hullabaloo about child rights in the West. And, I think it probably might be different in Asia because, in most Asian countries, kids have a huge support system around them: grandparents aunts, uncles and cousins from both, the mom’s and dad’s sides.
The child usually grows up with an innate sense of being surrounded by relations with love, affection and caring. Even if the parents get angry with the child, there’s usually a doting uncle or aunt or grandparents who are at the beck and call of the child to heal all hurts. Most kids live with their parents until they marry, and many live together even after they are married and have kids of their own. If both, the dad and the mom, work, then the grandparents take care of the kids.
However, in the West with its nuclear families, such a support system is absent, or at best, a distant one. Hence the need for such a State-controlled support system to aid the children. With the increase in the crimes committed against children, the need for such a system is imperative.
Yet, I believe. we, in India, are not very far in moving towards such litigation for children. Especially, with the increased incidence of crimes against children and vengeful behaviour by adults in responsible positions like teachers and headmasters. Recently, there have been shocking stories of kids being beaten to death in schools, being made to kneel out in the blazing sun by an irate teacher and, so on. Such atrocities against children were perpetrated by adults who were supposed to be responsible for their well-being.
As a modern human being, I certainly do not subscribe to the school of thought which advocates that every misdemeanour be punished. And, as a modern Indian mother, I have to appease both sides while bringing up my baby. The elders who frown at any easy-going parent with a child are a staunch force in my life and quick to judge in case of any problems with the child. And, in India, any deed of the child (whether good or bad) is deemed to be because of how the parents brought up the child, and not because the child has a mind of its own (even if the ‘child’ in question is a 40-year old man or woman).
Tell me, where do I stand as a modern mother? Do I appease the older generation who will certainly try to back-seat drive my parenting, or do I completely ignore them and take things into my own hands, and simply do what I think would be best for my child and ignore tried-and-proven methods of discipline?
This is an original World Moms Blog post from Fire Crystals in India. You can also find Fire Crystals on her personal blog, Merry Musing.
Photo credit to Grotuk. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
A very interesting post! I live in a country where physical punishment of children, of any kind, is not allowed, in schoold or at home. I believe this is because of the people who misuse this… It wasn’t always like this – my dad has told me that he would get slapped with a stick over his hands if he for instance didn’t do his homework.
I personally wouldn’t hit or slap my child as I believe it is possible to dicipline a child anyway. I do not believe in raising a child without dicipline or without structures and rules – we have plenty of those. However I do believe that every parent has to do what feels right for their family and children – as long as no lines over over stepped…
I agree….I wouldn’t like to hit my child either. But spanking kids when naughty is so deeply ingrained in us….I am trying to overcome the tendency by turning a blind eye to the most harmless things my baby does.
I am surprised!!!!!!!! I grew-up in a very Indian family and not one person in a very large extended family would touch a child with any type of physical correction. In fact both my mother and father’s family have no history of physical abuse of children and they each have 6 siblings. My personal experience is that Indian take a lot from their children and are very forgiving.
Every time you think you have to do something, either because you need to be considered part of the ‘clan’ or because you are a ‘modern’ mother, refer to your heart, refer to your head. Do what you think is best for your child. I know this is so cliche’ that it borders on corny, but there is no rule for bringing up a child or no tried and tested menthods even though there are umpteen parenting methods. I go along the flow, take each day at a time, and act upon the moment. And ultimately, trust yourself to be a good parent 🙂 I know I am one. The positive energy goes a long way in making you one.
(** ok, just my 2 rupaiyas 😉 **)
And Oh agree with Asta totally… I believe in raising a child without hitting him/her. I have a disciplined 5 year old boy who is healthy, happy, good at school too. He is rambunctious now and then, but, oh, he is just 5 years and sometimes I ignore it.
I just need to call out his full name with a glare and he stops being ‘naughty’… Know what I mean… 😉
“I just need to call out his full name with a glare and he stops being ‘naughty’… ” Love it – that is what I am hoping to achieve!
I loved that – “I just need to call out his full name with a glare and he stops being ‘naughty’”. I hope my kid begins to see it that way too. Being just 16 months old, when I call out his name, all he does is scream back at me a little more louder 🙂
Fire Crystals,
Here’s why I like this post. Because it made me feel so naive, I learned something about your culture and we are talking about this important topic for the first time on World Moms Blog.
I read an interesting book on discipline early on, and I felt it really made a lot of sense. I’ve recommended it many times. It’s called “Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds” by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. One of the points it makes about choosing not to hit your children — the only way to increase the punishment is to hit harder. And, if increasing the punishment helps make a punishment more effective over time, then it can lead to abuse and there must be other ways to discipline. I’ve used their steps, and it’s changed the way in which I talk to my daughter, and in turn helped her behavior. I think the book is applicable to children of ALL temperaments.
Moms of the world, do you have any other book recommendations on the topic of discipline?
Ok. So, I haven’t addressed your cultural situation with your elders. If you choose not to hit your children, are there other ways in which you can strengthen the relationship bonds between you and your elders and show respect towards them that do not have to do with child discipline?
The decision is up to the parents and to the bodies that govern, but I’ve answered from my own experiences as though you and I were discussing this topic one morning over a cup of tea. I hope you find a solution to your question that works for you, and once again, I’m glad you brought this topic up!
Jen 🙂
Thanks Jen….the decision is certainly up to the parents on how to bring up their child. The sad part is, in India, we all care too much about the ‘wagging tongues’. We are not supposed to, but these ‘wagging tongues’ try their best to make their presence felt, even if we try to ignore them.
And since I am currently away from my relatives, I do have a lot of freedom in choosing the best way to deal with my baby 🙂
Jen, there is a great book called “Playful parenting”. The blog “The parenting passegeway” (http://www.theparentingpassageway.com/) also has great tips on gentle discipline.
Here in Brazil it used to be similar to what Fire Crystals described in her post, in the sense that teachers could spank their students – in fact, I have older cousins that still were spanked in school and had to kneel on corn kernels in the corner of the room. Nowadays there are specific laws regarding children’s rights.
I was spanked in school myself. Teachers would have a bamboo cane with which to hit kids who didn’t do their homework, or did some mischief. And girls were usually puniched with an open wrist caning, while boys may even get a caning behind their thighs.
And it smarts real bad.
This is a great post! Thank you for sharing the cultural difference in the way things are done – I confess that sometimes I suffer from that Western arrogance that makes me just assume that things are the same everywhere as they are here.
The problem in the West – as you are starting to see in India – is not so much the use of physical discipline, it’s the people who overstep the bounds of what is acceptable. I mean, I got a few spankings as a kid, and I didn’t turn out any the worse for wear. I myself do not spank, because it doesn’t feel right for me or my kids. Having a child with autism kind of muddies the waters of discipline even further. There are forms of discipline that he simply doesn’t understand, and if the child doesn’t “get it”, there’s no point.
In your circumstances, I do not envy you having to appease both sides of the cultural divide. I do agree with The Alchemist when she says, do what feels right for you. At the end of the day, we all have to focus on what is best for our kids before we worry about what our elders will think. It’s hard, though.
Thanks for a great, insightful post.
Kirsten
Approaches to boundary setting *are* interesting and varied.
Personally, I rethought my views when I started reading about Peaceful cultures (there are a few around the world – hidden away) and found that some spanked their children and some didn’t – yet none were involved in conflict or war and managed to operate as peaceful entities. Then there was the bit in the book Nurture Shock about children who were spanked in a culture of spanking, where it didn’t damage the parent-child bond, yet for the children who were spanked in the culture of not spanking – it did damage the bond.
Of course some adults seriously hurt children and that is what all the legislation and cultural cringe around spanking children is *meant* to stop. It hasn’t worked here in NZ.
I think there is a lot more to this issue than what most of us realise.
Great post. Thanks for raising this. 🙂
Hmmm..peaceful cultures? I haven’t heard of them. If you have the link to the article, could you forward it to me?
The link is here:
http://www.peacefulsocieties.org
The interesting thing for me was not just the variance in attitudes to spanking, but the similarities in how children *are* raised.
Thanks Karyn. Looking forward to finding out something more about these people.
I, too, was naive to this difference in our cultures.
I have many issues with spanking and will share my perspective. In no way do I mean to put anyone’s culture down. I have never lived in another country and I know my beliefs have been shaped by my own culture and education (Psychology and Education). I am sharing my position, so other people can understand how and why I (a westerner) see things the way I do.
I think spanking teaches a child that someone in authority or bigger than you, can hit you. People in positions of authority are not always in the right and they can abuse their position.
I know parents who have used this as a main source of punishment and they have caused more harm than good to their children.
Some parents can take things too far and severely hurt or kill their child. I do not know anyone who has been in this position, but I have read about them and it disgusts me.
I don’t want my children to fear me, nor do I want to teach them to be controlled by fear. There is a lot of fear mongering that goes on in our country. It is a tool to control people and when people are afraid, they usually don’t behave rationally and are more open to misinformation. They can easily become victims and I don’t want that for my kids.
I also don’t want them to hit other people or their own children one day. I don’t want to perpuate a culture of violence.
I don’t want them to think that violence is a solution. I want my children to learn how to solve problems and be thinkers, instead of just stepping in-line with everyone or be quick to fight.
The thought of hitting my children has never felt right at all.
There are ways to discipline your child without hitting them. Time-outs have a purpose and if not done correctly, it will not work as well as it could. It isn’t just a punishment to take the child away from what they were doing. It is an opportunity for the kids to learn. Yes, they do take a break from the situation, but this gives them time to calm down. It takes a while for the kid to learn what behavior is expected of them while they are in the time-out. They need to know why they are there and are encouraged to think about what happened. When their time-out is up. it has to be followed by a talk about the behavior and what they could do differently next time. It doesn’t have to be long and you want the child to be a part of the process and be able to explain their behavior and other options. It is a process of changing behavior.
I also don’t believe that just because you don’t hit them, that you spoil them.
Everyone has basic needs that have to be met before they can move on to higher needs. (Maslow Hierarchy). One of the basic needs includes feeling safe. I don’t see how a kid can feel safe in a home where they are hit.
My children may not be perfectly behaved all the time, but they are kids and I don’t want robots. I do address their behavior and I don’t let them run wild or act disrespectful. It is very important to me that they are respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding and think about their actions. In the long run, I think I am helping them more by teaching them the reasons we behave and showing them how to behave. My children are very kind, loving, confident children. I don’t think hitting them is the way to teach them or to build them up.
I think parents who use harsh methods to discipline a child had been subject to similar behavior themselves during their childhood. As a child, I remember it brought nothing but resentment, and even though I understood that it was something that my parents won’t tolerate, it used to be deep rooted in me, and as I grew up, and reflected on those incidents, I realized that it could have been handled in a better and more reasonable way. Thus I am a firm believer that spanking or disciplining a child by physical means is nothing but abuse of authority, and a loss of temper.
I loved the post and could relate to it better as a fellow Indian and a modern mother sandwiched between her even more modern daughter and a very old fashioned mother. Even though there is a generation between me and my daughter, I find I can relate to her and understand her issues unlike my mother who has trouble relating to me and her grand daughter. I was quite strictly brought up by my mother who incidentally was a teacher – perhaps that accounted for being a stickler for discipline – but I was careful not to impose similar methods with my children because I wanted them to enjoy some measures of permissible freedom that I was denied. I don’t believe in appeasing to the older generation in totality although I am firm about pointing out the errors of my children and refusing to give in or be drawn. The worst the older generation could do is to sound their objections to my parenting styles in front of the children, leaving you feeling impotent with frustration because you dare not retaliate for fear of driving a wedge between you.
http://yourkidandyou.blogspot.com/
anita
Hi fire crystals,
i visited your blog ‘merry musings” and liked your posts and wanted to add my “invaluable comments” to it 😛 but I didn’t know how to go about it. I kept looking for the comment box but failed. Perhaps you could direct me 🙂
http://yourkidandyou.blogspot.com/
anita
Great post ! I like and respect Indian culture very much, but I didn’t like the point of hitting your child if he/she disobeys you and other elders. In fact, one should make them understand in a very polite way and I feel this is the best way else your child becomes very stubborn and rude.
A well written post.
I am totally against spanking. I believe that to make children learn discipline we as parents should show great patience and show them how to behave in each situation. When we react rudely they will only understand that behaving rudely and doing mischiefs is ok. Instead we should sit down and make them understand the consequences of whatever they are doing.
Children are meant to be naughty, let them be children. Once they grow up they will know what is wrong and what is right and learn to be pretty ladies and gentlemen.